WHERE the hayullll is my wallet?!?!

Remember how I went to Wilmington recently with my meemaw?

Well, we got back on the Friday of Memorial Day weekend, and after driving back from Wilmington in her car, I was in a hurry to get my things out of her car and back into mine so I could drive back home to SC from her house without getting totally stuck in Memorial Day traffic. For the most part, it was a success. 

Until I got home and realized I didn't have my wallet.

My wallet that has all my credit cards.

My health insurance cards.

Me check book.

My cash.

My license.

My head was pounding so heard I couldn't see straight, y'all.

Visions of my precious Nine West wallet in some gas station restroom along 85 flooded my brain.

My stomach lurched.

I seriously thought I would vomit.

I am NOT good at staying calm.

"ANJ!!!! I don't have my wallet!!!!!!!!!!!!!" as I feel the chunks rising.

He's all calm and shit, "Well, where is it?"

What?!

I call my meemaw at 12:30 at night. Thankfully, she answers. I start rambling 90-miles-a-minute about my wallet and how my life is in there and how I'm going to actually die without it and some teenagers are probably booking their senior trip on it.

"Let me go check. I'll call you back."

Six hours later One minute later, phone rings. "I got it."

PRAISE THE SWEET AND HOLY LORD!!!

So, we decide that first thing Tuesday, after the Memorial Day holiday, she will go to the PO and overnight it, which comes with insurance, and she will stuff it in an inconspicuous box before she leaves the house so no one at the post office actually knows that my whole entire life a wallet is in there.

Cool. So, she did, she gives me the tracking number. It should arrive by noon on Wednesday.

..................................

Well, it didn't. So, at like 12:03, I log in to good ole usps.com, and see that it is "missent".

WTF?????? 

Further information indicates that it's been "misrouted, but not to worry, they know and they are fixing that shit" (in so many words).

I call, ready to flip my shit on somebody. I am not a calm person, remember? This is my life in my wallet and all. So, he's asking me if it's supposed to be in Such-and-such City, NC ... Umm, no, it's supposed to be in Such-and-such City, SC .... ???

(I love y'all, but some people creepy.)

So, a couple of the zip code digits have been transposed, which was the confusion. A lot of people have done that because my hometown's first several zip code digits are similar to my new one, but in a different order, of course.

Ok, cool. He explains that it'll be here the next day (Thursday) by noon. And, if it was the PO's fault for transposing the numbers on the paperwork, then my meemaw can get her money back that she paid to overnight the package.

 ..................................

Thursday, noon - no package

I log onto USPS. Shit was delivered to 1200 EXPRESS in my town, but at the wrong zip code, after it had been at my town's PO and in the correct zip code!!!!!!!

Y'all.

I was about to whoop somebody's asssssssss. 

I felt like I was gonna have a damn stroke. And with every extra minute I was on hold, I got more and more pissed.

I'm googling frantically. The damn address just does not exist.

Where in Sam Hill is my damn wallet?!?!

I can just see it. Some gum-smacking receptionist with long, curvy nails and too much lipstick opening my shit. "Omigyahhh, a wallet! Oh shit! Let's get online and buy a tannin' bed, y'all!"

I am bout half way between panic and severe anger.

Hubs comes home for lunch. Cool as a cucumber, as per usual.

Calm Cool Anj: "What's the big deal? That address is probably some sorting center or something."

Psycho Panic Me: "What is the big deal?!? Can you read?! This shit (the USPS site) clearly says, 'delivered'!!! It also says, 'Waiver of signature was exercised at time of delivery.' It also lists an address that does not even exist!! Do you know what that means? Some 15 year old is out there stealing my identity!"

So, off he goes to Google looking for this fictitious ass address, while I continue to fuuuuuume while I wait for some damn body to PICK UP THE PHONNNNNNNNE!!!!

Several minutes go by.

Calm Cool Anj: "Well, have you actually checked the mail?"

Psycho Panic Me:  "Of course not! I'm sure they'll leave it on the door step. There's no way that box will fit in there! {We have one of those metal boxes at the end of the street and everyone has individual keys for their address.} And besides, that address doesn't match anything. Our zip isn't 29907!!!"

 I watched him walk to the mailbox. My heart was pounding, Anj was walkin' in slow mo and everything ...

and then suddenly, as he was turning the key, I just knew that shit was in there.

Yep!

Sho as shit!

I guess the address was a description for the street box itself? Still no idea about the zip code. You'd think that the box's zipcode would be the same as our actual mailing address. Who gives a shit? All's well that ends well, right?

So, I sigh a HUGE sigh of relieve, thanking Jesus for getting me my wallet back, and apologizing for being a psycho.

Then, I look down at the package, embracing that thang like an infant, and realize that the street name was wrong too.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

It was similar, but a couple letters were swirled around.

Sooooooooo,

 the morals of the story are:

{1}

I am bat shit crazy as hell. I need to go back to acupuncture for my anxiety.

{2}

Jesus is the man, and despite two errors in the address, I got my wallet! BAM!

{3}

Uncle Herman was right again:

"90% of the things you worry about ain't eva gone happ'n. The other 10%, you can't do nothin' about. So, really, it ain't no point in worryin'."

True dat, Uncle Herman!

don't be the reason your kid's teacher drinks

i've had the pleasure of teaching 3rd grade, 8th grade math, intervention/remediation, and special education. while i no longer teach, i can say that the one thing i hated the most across the board was the coddling - from parents, other teachers, and administrators. this is not to say that i didn't love my kids. and what i loved the most was the pride they felt from learning responsibility and hard work so that they could truly enjoy their success. kids are proud of what they earn - not what you hand them. And if you get them out of every little thing they do, and they never have consequences, they will never grow up. period. not only that, they lack self-respect and confidence, and they struggle to make real friends.

teachers work hard. really hard. and they don't do it for the money or the time off, as so many believe. anybody who teaches to have the summers (or track outs) off needs to get their head examined. they teach because they want your child to be the best they can be. they want your child to feel self respect and pride in their work. they are not your nanny. they are not your child's best friend. they are your child's educator.

the more of a pain in the ass you are to your child's teacher, and the more you expect special treatment and breaks for your child, the more drained your child's teacher is and the more distracted she is from doing her job. there are not enough minutes in the day. she barely has time to take a piss or eat her lunch in peace. some teachers don't eat their lunch in peace. some teachers don't eat.

she doesn't have time for unneeded pampering, hovering and drama. the other children in your child's class are just as special and important as yours is.

while it's understandable that your child's well-being is your priority, you need to let them breathe.

 please, for your child's sake - get a damn hobby.

here, some guidelines (mostly written from an elementary perspective):

 1) follow the damn rules - like all the other parents {even if you are a fellow teacher!} ... after all, that is what we are tryin' to teach your kids, remember? No you can't have a conference immediately because you "work" at the school or you are such-and-such on the PTA. contact the teacher and schedule a conference like everybody else. it is also highly frowned upon to sneak down to your child's teacher's room  and watch her teach creep on her ass through the window in her door for twenty minutes. wtf, get a grip. orrr, don't be that chick callin' your child's teacher during class to bitch about something because your child, who 1) broke a rule and 2) can't follow directions - texted you with the phone he ain't supposed to have{!!!} and then you back him up on his pooh pooh ass whining!? the apple doesn't fall far. how the hell did kids survive school before cell phones? if these mamas aren't working, why aren't they out drinkin' a margarita or doing something fun? i need to know!

2) don't tell your child's teacher how to teach. believe it or not, your child's teacher has gone to an accredited institution of higher education to be legally qualified to teach your child. don't school her on your methods. trust me, if you know all that shit, then you need to home school your kid anyway. your child's teacher will be glad you did. and don't start throwing around that you are doctor so-and-so, or head commander of such-and-such, or whoever in the middle of a conference. don't nobody give a damn who you are. they may cater to your requests in front of your face, but it's to shut you the hell up and get you back out of the building and out of everybody's hair as quickly as humanly possible. and, it'll get harder and harder for the teacher and the administration not to take their aggression towards your jackass behavior out on your child. and on that note, if you want to pretend you are actually going to give your child a consequence, or actually make them do their homework, etc, then do it or don't even sit there and lie. just keep your mouth shut and leave.
and if you ask a teacher what you can do to help your child and she tells you, don't get all defensive and bitchy about it. it is after all, her job to make sure your child is learning. sometimes, behaviors need to be dealt with first so that your child can learn. and if you say you are going to follow through and discipline your child, do it. the teacher's job is not to raise your damn kid. she's got a classroom full of others to worry about. if she isn't getting any help from you, she will end up disciplining him more and more at school. either discipline the kid, or shut up when the teacher tries to.

3) if you bring shit to school, please make sure you bring enough for everybody - this includes food and party invitations - otherwise, the kids get all excited, only to find out that there's not enough - your kid's teacher ain't got time to be doin' fractions with some chocolate chip cookies or to explain to half the kids why they aren't invited to your kid's party. the best thing for you to do with invitations is to give them to the teacher, and let her pass them out into homework folders or friday folders.

4) if you schedule a conference, have the decency to show up and please get your shit together before you show up - just as you would expect the teacher to do. if you don't want to come, just say so. and if you truly, unexpectedly cannot come, call the teacher or school as soon as possible and let them know. save the teacher the grief - she does not, in fact, take up residence at the school. her time is valuable just like yours. she could be at home with her own family, or grading shit tons of papers, or writing lesson plans. and on this note, if you find that most of your conferences involve your child's teacher and an administrator, your kid likely is all the things that you keep hearing over and over again and YOU are the one who needs some kinda intervention. don't make yourself look like an ass by bringing up things which the teacher has tried to call you about, email you about, or send notes home to you about numerous times and that you chose to ignore.  "Why didn't I know about this?"  umm, maybe because you didn't return my calls or my emails or look in your child's homework or friday folder this whole damn quarter.

5) don't bitch about your child's grade on an assignment not being 100% when we all know damn well you did most of it yourself. vomit. seriously. you are grown. how is your kid supposed to learn anything when you are doing her shit for her? your child's teacher hopes you feel proud of yourself making that A {seeing as how you are an adult, and it was a 4th grade project and all} and teaching your child to be lazy and a cheat.

6) don't teach your kid all of your whack character traits (racism, drinkin' like hell, blameshifting, etc), then not punish him for his behavior because you feel guilty you know he learned that shit from you. everybody hates this - the teacher and the other students. and while it's human nature not to want to get in trouble, if a child lies to get out of trouble and gets away with it on a regular basis, they learn to work the system. they learn that they can lie to mama and daddy and they have zero respect for the teacher, for the principal, for other students, and most sadly, for themselves. and you? they sure as hell have no respect for you. when your kid says shit like, "so and so is a racist because he said i look like the cookie monster," obviously his 8 year old self doesn't even know what racism is. therefore, the whole world knows he learned it from you. same goes for art work involving rum & cokes and vodka tonics, mmmkay?

7) don't email your child's teacher over and over and over - guess what? she is trying to teach your child and 25-30 other kids. and she has not yet graded the quiz that she gave that morning, anyway. so stop. if it's a real emergency, call the office. and if you have the access to look the grade up yourself, don't be lazy. do it. the teacher doesn't have time to hold your hand.

8) don't teach your child that they're always in the right. because they aren't. nobody is. we all make mistakes, but we learn from them because there are consequences. the worst thing you can do for your child is to teach them to play people against each other to get their way. and, let them earn their grade - good or bad. they will have more appreciation and pride for their own hard work (or disappointment in the lack thereof) if they have a true result - positive or negative - not your buffered, fake one.
if the whole world thinks your kid did it, and you get calls all the time that your kid did it, and the teacher says your kid did it, most of the damn time, your kid did it. if you have a teacher and an administrator conferencing with you because Little Susie wrote filthy pornographic words on a computer program, (which the teacher knows about because there were multiple witnesses and that shit was recorded and linked back to her because it was logged in under her username and password) - over and over, and over for monthssss, she. did. that. shit. grow some balls. punish your child. sometimes kids lie. and why wouldn't they, if it always gets them out of trouble? and maybe instead of being pissed at the teacher and principal, you ought to be wondering where an 11 year old learned words that would make Lil' Kim blush.

9) make sure you and your spouse/baby mama/baby daddy are on the same page about what is actually going on before you drive to the school to attack your child's teacher. i cannot tell you how many times mama done gone home and got daddy all pissed off, and then daddy shows up to find out mama was full of shit. for example, if you voice a concern to your child's teacher because Little Johnny lacks social skills, and she suggests that you let him unpack his own shit and walk himself to class in the morning so that he can .... (wait for it) ... socialize with other kids, maybe you should catch your husband up to speed on you and Little Johnny's morning routine before you fill his head with a bunch of bullshit about how the teacher told you how to parent your child, and he shows up ready to flip out at school. otherwise, he might leave that conference pissed off at you for wussifying your child and lying to him, instead of being pissed at the teacher. and, you look like a cray cray who never wants your child's balls to drop.

10) don't try to get your kid out of a consequence that she knew about ahead of time, and therefore, expected. if the consequence for not having homework is to walk laps during recess, or to do the homework during lunch, or whatever - and your child's teacher gives these consequences because your child didn't do her homework, don't send in some shit about your kid being at ball practice or ballet or some sort of recreational activity. family emergencies or illness are one thing, but sports? bitch please.

people wanna bitch about the government {past and present}, but i'm sure that this sense of entitlement is first learned at home, and is a much bigger problem than anything the government's doing.

give your kid consequences. do what you say you're going to do -good or bad. 

they will thank you for it in the long run.

{and so will everybody else who comes in contact with them.}

** also, big ups to male teachers too - sorry for my overuse of "she" and "her" ;)

let's smile today, shall we?

{1}

these two stations on pandora:

Summer Hits of the 90's

90's Hip Hop

seriously.

i hardly ever thumbs down anything.

{2}

this image that i found on pinterest:

hahahahaha

and these other pics from pinterest:

now - before y'all attack me assuming i'm making fun of her hair, let me clarify - the funny part to me is her facial expression.

i'm guessing she just didn't think her face would be captured in the photo.

of course, i keep my facial expression lookin' like that most of the time, so i'm not sure why it's funny ...

movin' on ...

"droppin' a deuce on the potty is AWESOME!

i give it a thumbs UP!"

this pin is some ad for getting rid of cellulite, but it's more fun to imagine this chick saying,

"hey there, sugar. whatcha think about this?"

or

"hey big boy, i know you ain't NEVA seen nothin' like this before."

don't we all stand out on the beach grabbin' our ass for the pleasure of whoever may be walking by?

adios, shugpies

i'm full as a toad

our memorial day weekend was full - 

mostly of beer & beef.

and i know i ate my weight in strawberries.

i am full as a toad {or tick, if you are a normal southerner, not from mecklenburg county - or maybe it's just davises who say such?}

hope y'all had a delightful one.

thanks to all who have sacrificed their time away from home, family, and safety so that we can live free.

and may God comfort and bless all the mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, sons, daughters, wives, husbands and friends who are missing a brave soldier today and everyday.

downtown wilmington

the meemaw & i took a bit of an impromptu trip to wilmington earlier this week.
we only had a couple days, but we crammed a lot in.
we ate, drank, junked, beached, walked, rode, visited.
{thanks weezie & buck for the accomodations.}

i took my camera with us downtown by the river.
i love wilmington {minus the traffic}.

if later in this life, the hubs and i ended up retiring on wrightsville, carolina or kure beach, i think i'd be perfectly okay with that.

yet another reason i love north carolina.

hope y'all have a wonderful memorial day weekend.

God bless america and thanks to all who have served and who continue to serve this great nation.

The Great Gatsby - I'd watch again

We saw it this afternoon, and I loved it.

I also loved the book, although I can't put my finger on exactly why.

You don't love the characters, because they are selfish.

And it doesn't have a happy ending.

But, there's something magical about it.

But - the soundtrack? In love. Not so much with the songs themselves, but the songs contributed so much to the magic. It was like the 20's come to life - but at the same time, modern artists like Jay Z, Florence + the Machine, Lana Del Rey, and Fergie were featured.

The costumes - for both the men and the women - were to die for.

{I especially loved Gatsby's ensembles - three piece suits (in white, browns, pink!), brown & white oxfords, bow ties, suspenders, the straw skimmer hats - love, love, love.}

I really, really, really wanna have a Gatsby party now.

I think for the most part, the movie stays true to the book, including using key lines from the text in the dialogue of the movie.

Watching the movie made me love the book even more.

By the time we left, I wanted to party with Gatsby - and then be able to go back to my own house and avoid all the drama. 

I also decided Leonardo DiCaprio is pretty hot in this one.
Too bad he wasted all that on Daisy's bitch ass.




Have you seen the movie?
What did you think?

Currently ...

I straight ripped the below image and idea from Stephanie's blog.

{Hey Steph.}

Listening ... to the door open and close as Anj goes out on our patio to water the plants, and to the dryer.

Craving ... nothing, surprisingly. We'll see how long this lasts ... I do feel a plain tart fro yo with strawberries, blue berries and almonds fix comin' on, though.

Drinking ... nothing. But - I did drink lots of water today! Go me!

Working ... on nothing. {Anyone see a pattern here?} But - I did some organizing (aka intense dust inhalation) at the store today ... 

                                                                                                                ... lifted some 50 lb. salt blocks, swept, sold some shit, and at home, did laundry, put away a bunch of shit from my car, our bedroom, and the living room, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, washed some dishes, made some slaw, ... and Anj and I did this crazy ass high intensity circuit workout, which made me think of ball suicides in high school where I would almost vomit.

Reading ... nothing. Finished Gatsby and am now feeling all intellectual and shit, and may try some good old Ernest Hemingway.

Wearing ... a white t-shirt, my NC State shorts and my bedroom slippers.

Refusing ... to get involved with Candy Crush Saga.Word. I agree, Stephanie!

Feeling ... awesome. We just had some delicious fish tacos, and I stayed busy today and drank lots of water. 

Smelling ... nothing. Clearly, I lead a boring life.

Loving ... my husband - for helping me deal with my tire situation this week, and for just being generally awesome - like how he made those fish tacos tonight. Mmmmm! 

Hating ... my muffin top, extra thigh meat, and granny arms.

Annoyed ... that I don't know more about photography, and that it is my own fault because I don't spend enough time playing with my camera and getting to know it better. Poor Nita Nikon. 

Ignoring ... all the shit I read about diet drinks ... well, sort of. I still drink them, but I feel guilty now. 

Anticipating ... ???

Planning ... nothing, really. The thought, "You wanna hear God laugh? Tell Him your plans." comes to mind.

Missing ... Texas.

Wanting ... a farm house and plenty of money to renovate it and buy antiques and vintage goodies to fill it up.

Excited ... to go to the beach. 

Thinking ... how May is flying by, but how far away July 6 seems.

Enjoying ... a clean house.

Thankful ... for the Lord giving me peace of mind and optimism 99% of the time - a priceless blessing. Also, thankful for getting to spend time with my FIL. :)