your baby's not cute. stfu.

mother's day. officially, not one of my favorites, thanks to last october.

i am so ready to get the eff out of my own brain. people ask, "how are you? any news?"
i'm thinking, "yes, there's news. i'm pregnant, (with quadruplets!) and i haven't told ANYONE - but i am going to tell you, since you asked."

NO, I'M NOT. 

i mean, people know about "what happened" because i told them. and i do appreciate their checking on us, but i don't necessarily care to discuss how many times a month we are having sex, or just how hard we are trying.
but thanks for comin' out.

_________

over the weekend, i was in kohl's, trying to buy ONE ITEM.

there was a grandmother/mother/toddler trio in front of me.
the cashier was all, "OHHHHHHHHHH WHAT AN ADORABLE BABY!" in this super annoying foreign accent. it sounded just like that painter that samantha dated for ten seconds when she wanted to try being bi ... you know, samantha on sex and the city?
and, she was doing everything slow as molasses.

anyway - they were going ON and fucking ON about how adorrrrrrrrrable the little girl was, and how happy they were that the daughter only lived three hours away because the grandmother just COULD NOT BARE the thought of them being further away.
and the cashier was still goin .... WHAT A PRECIOUS bond between a mother and daughter. truly a blessing. YADA YADA YADA.
i mean, the woman had like three items, and so far, we've been standing there droning on and on for ten minutes.
clearly she needed to peace out from kohl's and get a job writing mother's day cards for hallmark.
the grandmother's eyebrows were abnormally high, and it looked like her smile was permanent - like she was on a combination of percocet and mt. dew through an IV.

the grandmother REPEATEDLY turned around to me smiling, like, "don't you agree?! isn't it a blessing?! aren't my daughter and granddaughter the cutest things you've ever seen in your ENTIRE life?!?! what is wrong with you? tell me how awesome we are!"

i did not smile.
instead, my facial expression was more like, "actually, no. i just want to pay for this one freakin' item. could you please shut the fuck up, pay for your shit, and get the eff outta dodge so i can get away from you, your daughter and your average looking granddaughter? thanks."

i know the woman turned around eagerly awaiting my giddy reply at least three times.

fat chance, grandma.
didn't she know that it was about to be mother's day, and i wanted to be a mother and all that jazz, but instead i had a surgery to cut my baby and one of my fallopian tubes out of me and i didn't have time to listen to their disgusting shit?

wanna buy me?

_________

and on mother's day night i cried.
i cried because i can't truly be happy for people.
i cried because i'm scared my body is broken.
and my mascara ran down to my neck.
and when i cry, my eyes get greener than normal.
and i looked like heath ledger as the joker.
i wish i had taken a picture for y'all.
i don't really like the mascara. it's the first time i've tried it, and i will be going back to my old shit.

then, the next day at the store, my emotions - bitterness, sadness, jealousy, self-pity were still lingering around.
so, i cried some more - seemingly at the drop of a hat - out on the front porch.
warning, crazy female davis at the store.
and my SIL was there to hug me and try to convince me that despite my evil thoughts and crying on a whim, i am not in fact crazy.

cheers! to being frightfully honest on the blog.