03 February 2012

PMS. Realer than Real Deal Holyfield.

Perhaps this is dangerous/uncharted/nobody-wants-to-read-that-shiz territory, but like I said, here on the old bloggey, Shug writes what Shug wants to write, so Shug says have a great day if this is of no interest to you. Hey, at least I was considerate enough to warn you with the title, huh snookie pie?

I was inspired by a friend's facebook post:

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I mean, it happens. It is a non-disputable fact. It affects women to different degrees and in different ways, sure. But SHIT. IS. REAL. Just ask Andrew Davis. He will tell. He doesn't fully get it. But he will tell from experience. He done seen Shug in a whole new light. As my mama would say, "Poahhh Annnnnj."

It's like Truvy and 'nem was sayin on Steel Magnolias ...
Shelby: Truvy, you know what you need in here? You need a radio, takes the pressure off of everyone feeling they have to talk so much.
Truvy: I had one once, but I threw it up against the wall when I couldn't figure out where the batteries went. I know now I was suffering from pre-menstrual syndrome.
 
But, for realz, dudes (or you lucky beezies who don't suffer with the rest of us) - let me help you out. Don't ask or try to use logic. Just get the hell on somewhere. Mmmk? I mean, I will be sittin there, totally fine, and then it's like BAM! A bad batch of epinephrine.

STFU!
Don't look at me! 
The thought of your hands on me makes me want to peel my skin off! 
I said I don't want a damn chicken salad! Are you deaf? 
Get off me! I already have two parents! I don't need a third!
What the hell is that noise? Make it stop!
I HATE this commercial! Who the hell paid these idiots to be on TV?

then, seconds later ...

I'm so sorry I used all those terrible words and threatened to cut you. (followed by crying and confusion as to what just went down, etc.)

someecards.com - Your PMS is driving me close enough to insanity that I've been considering knocking you up.

someecards.com - Sorry I broke your arm during my PMS rampage.

But, on a less threatening, but equally counterproductive note, how bout the shit you just. have. to. eat. when that ole biddy comes around? Ohhhh. my. word.

A few faves:

*Wendy's fries dipped in the frosty. Holla!
*BBQ Fritos and green grapes
*Arby's Beef N' Cheddar with lots and lots and lot of Arby's sauce
*Wendy's Bacon Deluxe
*salt & vinegar chips
*fries with ranch
*fries with Chicfila sauce
*fries with McDonald's BBQ sauce
*tater tots
*fries with Texas Pete
*hashbrowns
*bacon dipped in pancake syrup
*tablespoonsful of peanut butter
*diet mt. dew (which just amplifies all the scary behaviors/outbursts/meltdowns)
*vanilla ice cream with salty peanuts and chocolate syrup
*pepperoni pizza with ranch
*TGI Friday's Potato Skins Chips with chicken salad
*butter
*cream cheese
*Gold Fish in cold Chicken Noodle Soup
*Chinese - especially egg rolls
*potato chips (any flavor) wrapped up in deli meat and cheese
*Munchos chips gyahhhhh might have to hit the gas station for them guys tomorrow mornin.

Bonuses: swelling (in addition to the massss calorie consumption), feeling like I'm toting a cinder block around using solely my lower back muscles and bein sooo friggin tired yet life and work keeps on goin. Good times.

Point is. It is craaazy to me how dudes just stay the same all damn month. All year. All their lives.

But, it is what it is. So, just stand back, say a prayer and be nice to someone with PMS today. But don't try to hug them.

Good riddance.

Bee

3 comments:

Tracy said...

So glad I am over all that...

Sandy said...

I miss not having a valid excuse for my occasional bitchiness and crazy food cravings!
LOL. Your "menu" sounds completely reasonable....and oh so yummy to me!
Blog on Shug!

lynn said...

so funny and so true! your fav list made me hungry:)