lesburndaroadup!

our fam is basically in three parts of the north cack.

as a result, i am frequently on the road.

i love this time because i can listen to reba and miranda and bone thugs really loud and pretend like i can sing - at the top of my lungs.

 

i enjoy stoppin at random stores along the way.

well, i don't really enjoy it, but it happens because i pee a lot.

or i might need a diet coke or a snack.

i love the skinny white women in their 50's who work in these stores - the ones with a ponytail and bangs and wrinkles from smokin dorals since they were thirteen.

sometimes, you get a fun store with a big ole young black girl workin - the ones with four shades of bright blue and green eye shadow and fake lashes.

the white ones are either like, "hey there honey. is this gone be it?" or  they are dry as a bone, pissed off because they are havin to interrupt young and the restless to ring you up.

the black ones either have a great big ole smile and are happy to be alive, cuttin up with everybody who walks in, or just look real sleepy.

i don't ever see any menfolk runnin these stores. but there sure are enough of em sittin around, smokin, or playin some random video game, harrassin the chicks who are runnin the store.

and they will smile at you through their smoky teeth to hold the door open for you with a big ole grin on their faces.

 

i'm always pissed when they carry caffeine free diet pepsi but not caffeine free diet coke. woof.

so, then, i am basically forced to consume caffeine, which gets me further crunked up, and before you know it, i am so keyed up and singin so loud, and so into my music, that i am like, "shiiiit, i have missed my damn exit!"

and that, my frands, is how you get to really tour all of the great state of NC.

 

also, i really enjoy wavin at old menfolk drivin work trucks - you know, a regular old chevrolet or ford, or sometimes a dodge, but with a commercial license plate, and a lot of random shit in the back, like some ladders, and pipes and boots stuck between the bed of the truck and the back glass. they ride by, and automatically throw one finger {faingah} up in the air, even though they don't know you from adam, lookin all cutie in their carhartt and baseball hats that say, "Cozell & Sons Plumbing" or "Charles Chauncey Electric" or "Davis General Store".

 

i also enjoy wavin at the peeps holdin the signs that say "slow" when there's a one lane road because they're doin construction. you know they get tired of standin out there all damn day holdin a sign while people ride by. just smile and wave, why not?

 

know what else is fun? when you are at a stop light, do this:

turn your radio up really loud, and sing like you are axl rose, into your diet coke, or steering wheel.

be sure to get really into it, mouth wide open, eyes squinted shut, with a lot of movement.

it's better if you have on sunglasses, especially some with a little personality, like some reflective lens aviators.

when people start to stare, pull the glasses down to the tip of your nose, and smile at them and wave.

they will think you are bat cave crazy.

 

one thing i dislike about my trip is people who are goin slow as mufuggin molasses on a two lane road that is up and down hill. solid line. can't pass. and they have given absolutely no thought whatsoever to the speed limit. it's like they are just lettin their car drive itself. fast down hills, slow up hills. whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?

today's driver of the year was a lil hatchback covered in all kinds of stickers, you know the ones. huggin trees, unless of course, the paper is needed to completely suffocate their car in that shit.

i finally got to go around em, and i want to look at them like, "what thaaaa fuuuuuudge?!" but you know they are so deep into their own planet, they have no idea what is happenin or where they are.

for pete's sake, push the damn gas pedal, playa!

 

anyhoo, if you gone be in the car for awhile, might as well make the most of it, and find a way to entertain yourself.

 

i recommend the following:

*diet coke or starbuck's

* comfy clothing so you can dance

* a baller playlist that makes you want to sing loud and dance like you are gettin paid dolla dolla bills y'all

* CVS sunglasses

* plenty of Burt's Bees {lips be gettin chapped}

 

* these treats:

{nuts for protein (be sure to get the party ones, and not regular peanuts for lames)

and

munchos because they are the shizzzznatti. Just like it says - light and crisp ... and sallllllty! seriously, if you've never had these, it's time to get on the train. You won't regret it.}

 

happy travels!