12 July 2013

real talk: i'm 30. no more excuses.

Do you consider yourself to be a "creative person"? I don't dress magically, and I don't wear tons of fun jewelry and nail polish. I feel like how I look does not in any way match all the 70 bajillion creative things going on in my brain at any given moment. Seems like most creative types dress the part, you know? My brain has always been basically like one giant Pinterest board. Tons and tons of ideas, but I feel like something is stopping me from implementing them. 

I turned 30 last week, and I've been thinking about this funk that I've been in. My paralysis. The fact that I have so many blessings, but all I can think about is my lack of fulfillment - in career, in motherhood, in my fitness/body image. I'm full of "I'll waits" ... I'll wait til we buy a house. I'll wait until the next fun special occasion. I'll wait until we have kids to decorate a room like such-and-such. I'll wait to create an Etsy shop. I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait.
I even buy clothes that just hang in the closet with the tags still on them, because I am waiting for the "right" event/time to wear them. Is that crazy, or what? And what's most ironic, is I hate waste. I look at tons of things and think, "OMG! Don't throw that out! That would make a great such-and-such!" But then, it pretty much ends up lying around. AKA - this is what hoarding is, right?
 I feel like people constantly tell me how creative I am and how I should do this, and do that ... photograph, write, make jewelry, or quilts, have my own store ... but how? How does one go about getting their creative juices out and into some sort of ... something? Something that makes money, preferrably. 
Hell, I feel like my creative juices are like 800 different flavors. I want a hand in everything. 
I feel like my brain is mayjahly overstimulated with awesome ideas, but actually producing next to nothing.

I love looking at anything that involves someone's creative effort - even if it's not my bag.
For example, anybody who knows me will tell you that I am not a girly girl. Never have been. But, for some reason, I love stalking blogs like these:

The color combos!
The prints! So inspiring!

These chicks' Instagrams can provide tons of entertainment for me, y'all.

With a bottomless bank account, I would more likely dress like Miranda Lambert & The Pistol Annies, or a Junk Gypsy chica, also a mix of bright colors, textures, patterns. But more Waylon & Willie, you know?

But - I don't like the way I look in clothes, in general, (most of the time). And, I hate shopping because I feel like I ought to be able to fit in the crap that's hanging in my closet right now. But, that's my own fault. Nobody can change that but me, right? "That" being my tire, thunder thighs, extra chin, etc. It's so easy to feel defeated with working out and diabetes. Sometimes I feel like I have to choose: good blood sugars so I can hopefully have a baby soon ever? or getting my blood sugars high enough so that I don't get low while working out, which inevitably (in my head at least) is screwing up my a1c, a.k.a. all the work I've put into controlling my sugars. The result? I don't work out at all. Bad. Then I feel fat and gross. WTH? Somebody get in my brain and straighten that shit up, for realz.

Annnnyway, y'all still readin'? Debbie Downer in the houuuuuuuse, right?

Similarly, I read blogs like these because I love, love, love their photographs. Again, so inspiring.

Sometimes, I think, "What is stopping me from acting on my ideas and dreams? Fear of failure? (yep) Money? (Yep, in some aspects - not that I am loaded, but a lot of my ideas don't need tons of cash to come to fruition. Point is, lack of money isn't a really good excuse conisidering what I'd like to do.)
Sooooo, I'd say it's definitely mostly a fear of failure.
I totally admire people who just get out there and do it.

Do you ever wonder what you'd do if money and fear were no issue?

If I won the lottery and had huge kahones to do whatever I wanted, I would do the following things in no particular order:

* Buy an old farmhouse on some land and renovate it and decorate it with about 90% vintage items. I'd raise my kids to do work, to be outside, and to appreciate what they have. I would try to prevent them from the hustle and bustle and competition for busyness that America seems to be so proud of.
* Donate money to animal shelters and pay the spay/neuter/vaccine costs for tons of animals so they could get adopted to good homes, and, since I'm living on a farm, I'd have tons of dogs myself. And cows. And horses. And pigs. And a few mini horses. And maybe one cat - to catch mice.
* Buy several pairs of Lucchese boots and maybe some Fryes too, natch.
* Buy a beach house - somewhere not too, too busy or touristy ... like the Nights in Rodanthe house.
* Donate money to JDRF/diabetes research.
* Fly to TX much more often to visit my friend. Hell, I might buy my own house there.On And a ranch.
* Open up my own junk store/business and offer services where I decorate spaces, both to live/work in, and spaces for events, much like the Junk Gypsies. Gyah, I love them. Basically, the Junk Gypsies have my dream career. I mean, did y'all see what they did for Sadie Robertson's Sweet 16?!

Soooo, hello 30.
Basically, I feel like most of my life has already passed.
You don't scare me.
You are bout to be my biotch.
I hope.
Baby steps.

Am I the only one?


The Pink Growl said...

Make 30 your year girlfriend! Follow your dreams!!

Suze said...

Oh I've been thinking about this stuff so much lately. I just turned 29. Must be that time of life.

I know you can make 30 your biotch!! Do it, girl! And I'll try to be inspired by your example. :)

Annabelle said...

Own it girl! Let the Junk Gypsies be your inspiration and run with it! BTW, why can't I have a Redneck Redcarpet for my birthday? Please tell my husband that he needs to hire you for my birthday next year! Seriously! I want a freaking glitter toilet and a deer head with a crown! *insert bratty whiney kid voice here* ha!

Suzi @ chores and chandeliers said...

OMG. I think we are the same person!!!
I totally agree on ALL PARTS!!!!

1. I LOVE junk gypsies and every picture you shard I have PINNED! :) I like to think I look like a Nebraska version of a junk gypsy.

2. WEIGHT SUCKS!!!! I just told my husband that I should take my daughter to the carnival tomorrow night but I hate how I look and I don’t like running into people. Ugh. STUPID. But it’s how I feel. I went and bought a few new pieces that actually fit me. And I told me self that at the end of summer if I have not lost any I am clearing out my closet of EVERYTHING that doesn’t fit! I think in a way it will be freeing to let it go.

3. I’m 31 and feel like I have half assed the last few years. {I'm taking control now, well working on it}

4. I also am creative and feel as if I could be successful in many creative outlets and often dream up business ideas but I’m scared to death to even take the plunge! UGH

I do live on a farm and I thank god DAILY for it. It is such a blessing, I hope one day you get the experience!
If you don’t follow me I’d love for you to start!

Heidi said...

I love all of your to-dos. Sounds like a wonderful, beautiful life. One step at a time! And happy belated birthday! :)

Meredith said...

I don't know why I didn't get my invitation to Sadies party, must have gotten lost in the mail. seriously pistol annies <3 and the rest of your 'if' list

Courtney B said...

Happy belated Birthday!!
I've come to realize that I'm turning into a hoarder... yikes! The good thing is that we are downsizing momentarily until we buy a home, and I HAVE to get rid of crap! The even better thing is that the town I live in has a facebook yard sale page. It's actually REALLY addicting selling crap I haven't used in YEARS! I told my husband that one day he'd come home and our house will be empty :) But seriously, it's made it MUCH easier to get rid of stuff in exchange for cash!