06 February 2012

But Cosmo, You Promised This Would Work!

 this is one of those posts I wrote and then wondered if I should publish, and then I decided, yeah ... I will. So here it is:

Attention America:

No need to raise your daughters or teach them anything about the opposite sex, self respect, or anything about marriage or what that even means. Or your sons, for that matter ... they don't need to know anything about anything because with Cosmo around, they will have girls (crazy ones, likely) throwin themselves at them, left and right.


Just a few tidbits from this month's issue: (my two cents is in italics/parentheses)

* how to totally entice a guy: master the subtle yet irresistible signal that body-language experts swear by ... "The lip bite brings out his inner caveman. Why? It causes blood to rush to your lips, which plumps and reddens your pout. Both are signs of fertility, and when a guy sees them, it sets off his primitive instinct, since he's subconsciously looking for a mate with whom he can reproduce. (Although, in his conscious mind, he just picked you up at a bar in the hot, short, dress Cosmo suggested you wear and he's pretty much just thinkin about gettin the goods. But don't worry, ladies, he is thinking of a mate with whom he can reproduce in his SUBconscious). But all that caveman business aside, the gesture also suggests that you're struggling to figure something out, which sparks his curiousity. (Guys love when you look confused and stupid). He sees that your wheels are turning (oh hell!!) and wants to know what's going on in there.

* how to know what kind of dude you've landed yourself based on what part of your body is his favorite. (All based on research of course).
- boobs - sexually adventurous
- legs - loves a powerful woman
- face - he's expressive
- ass - he has an alpha-male streak
(I guess if your man likes you and all of your 2,000 parts, then you should congratulate yourself, because you, Sugar, have landed yourself hookup/boyfriend/husband of the year.)

* when you should "pull the trigger" regarding friending him on Facebook. (people, this is serious shit - Cosmo did a survey, so it's totally legit)
 - no need to continue to fret and lose sleep over when to friend him on Facebook (never mind him havin the nuts to friend you ...)

* 8 things you can do to get his attention (again, clearly you need to step your game up to compete with tons of other beezies to prove to him that you are worthy of a conversation with him) ... here are a few:
- go wild on him, by stripping or coming up with some crazy game, as long as it's your idea
- geek out, show your nerdy side
- go au naturel (please ignore the fact that the entire magazine is full of tiny bodied, big boobied, highly made up, air brushed models and celebrities who are scantily clad straddling some dude ... but, again, the point of this tip is to not wear make up - because men find that to be really hot - it's your natural beauty that counts.)

* 91% of men say they'd pay $1,000 to make sure what happens at a bachelor party stays there. (Again ladies, this is for your own good - so you know that one day, when you get married (which you will clearly find a good man using all these helpful sex tricks and knowing how to do exactly what every man on earth wants), it will be okay if he and his buddies do tons of shit that is none of your business, and that he'd never feel comfortable having you know, Future Wifey. There is no reason to use his inappropriate behavior and lies thereafter as a reason not to trust him moving forward.)

* what spring shades HE digs and where HE wants you to wear them - just so you're clear
- i.e., on your body instead of your eye lids

* what things he doesn't need to know:
- for example, continually pull out secrets about yourself so he stays on the edge of his seat ... the more he feels he doesn't have you pegged, the more infatuated he'll be (you want him infatuated with you, mmmk?) .. so, like, don't explain that you took piano as a kid. Spring it on him instead. (the last thing you want is your man hittin it up with his secretary because you bored him too soon with your ability to play piano or speak Spanish. Whoop that excitement out years into the relationship ... if you haven't run him off by doing the wrong thing)

* how to get a peek into his personality by decoding his man bag (seriously??)

* what to do in tricky scenarios such as:
- my ex called to tell me that he screwed up and really wants to get back together ... but he's currently dating someone else! what does it mean and what should i do?  Cosmo's reply: What he's really saying is that he's not into his current girlfriend and would much rather be with you." (to be fair, Cosmo did go on to tell this chick that she shouldn't even discuss it with him until he's totally single. But, let's get real, Sugar. The fact he even has the nuts to call you while he's got some other dummy on hold shows his lack of trustworthiness/dependability/serious ego/ selfishness/etc etc etc. You should have hung up on him, and you shouldn't be wasting your time or Cosmo's by writing in.)


Okay, okay. Maybe I'm bein a lil hard on Cosmo. After all, nobody makes you buy it, right? I know, I know ... some of you are wondering why I'm even reading the magazine if I think it's such shit. Well, Cosmo is fine, if taken with a grain of salt and if you are not looking for guidance and self esteem. I kinda dig the makeup tutorials myself. And some of the fashion. And this is not to judge grown ass women who like reading Cosmo. Hey friends, I admit, when I was in high school and college, I loved some Cosmo. I'm just sayin, to me, it leans toward, "Here Honey. This is what you need to do to yourself to make him want you."

My point is not really about Cosmo - but reading this Cosmo just reminded me of the fact that so many young girls (and grown women) are living in this mentality that they need to be something specific (other than who they really are) to land and keep a guy.

It just breaks my heart to see girls OF ALL AGES from 5 to 65 doing all these things to be pretty enough, skinny enough, hot enough, popular enough, to get picked ... for cheerleading, to sit at the popular lunch table, hell there are even blogging cliques (vomit - how old are we?!). I don't think we realize how it sneaks into kids' brains, either. Dolls in full makeup and mini skirts made for 5 year olds, Barbies who are like 8 feet tall with double D boobs and a size 2 waist. There are a million out there, and it just makes me want to ralph. my. brains. out. 

No thanks. Let's teach our daughters, sisters, friends, nieces, cousins, granddaughters, co-workers, whoever, that life ain't about showin all your goodies and being a bitch (or a pushover) to get what you want. Nobody is the boss of you. If you gotta do stuff that makes you feel not good enough, or bad about yourself to fit in with whoever - shit ain't worth havin. Just be what God made you to be. People who are worth having around in your life will stick around without you having to exhaust yourself figuring out how to keep them there. Trust. God made you the way you are. He doesn't screw up.



Jordan said...

Great takes! I laughed out loud. I too like Cosmo, more for the humiliating stories and the quizzes.

Tracy said...

Your next blog should be about the contents of a 1950's magazine, jus tto compare...

lynn said...

again, cracking. me. up!!