OH HEY, FRIDAY

This shugpie was home today, and I enjoyed some happies in the form of

// some tutorials from Emily at The Sweetest Thing

After watching, I felt an urge to go play with makeup in my jammies that I'm still wearing at 3 pm. 

 

I do dearly love me some mascara.

That laundry, not so much. 

However, I did do am in the process of doing two loads, one of which is the sheets on our bed, which means I have to put them back on, which I think should count as a bonus laundry effort.

// some Reese's from the giant container of sweets we still have from Christmas

 

 

// some free {today's the last day!!} ebooks from Beth Moore

// lunch with the hubs. We had some tuna salad with bacon and cheese on toast, sliced apples, and some gluten free pretzel sticks. Then Anj remembered this delicious salted caramel we had left over from this Southern Living Salted Caramel-Chocolate Pecan Pie recipe, and we started to dunk the pretzel sticks and apples into that, and let me tell you friends, healthy food tastes better dunked in homemade salted caramel. YOLO.

// decided I'm sick of our bed. I think I'm going to go up and add more pillows, or change the way I make it in the morning or something. Is this weird? Do you ever do anything to switch up the look of your bed outside of going out and buying all new bed linens?

Have a magical weekend, lovelies!

Dear Jesus: thanks for keeping us from getting blasted on the side of the highway

Hubs and I decided to get some lunch at a restaurant where our friend works.

The food was magical, we got to chat with him for a bit, which was nice because we hadn't seen him in awhile.

Our check came and the waitress told us that our friend had covered our check for us.

How sweet of him!

So, to pay it forward, Anj left the 20 bucks that would've went toward our lunch for the waitress as her tip.

That song by Clay Walker that makes me cry every time I hear it popped in my head. You know, the one about the guy helping the old lady change her tire, and how he refuses to let her pay him. Then, she leaves this huge tip for a waitress at a diner down the road (the same money that he wouldn't take as payment). Seriously, you gotta listen to it.
{This song:  }

Anyway, we were full as toads and on our drive home, we were trying to decide how we wanted to spend the rest of our afternoon.

I was in a food coma and was about to drift off to sleep when I heard a sound.

A repetitive sound.

That seemed to be getting louder.

Like the one you hear when you are running over those reflector lights in the road.

I looked around us at the lane to our left, and the lane to our right at the cars speeding by at 60, 65 miles an hour, wondering where the sound was coming from.

I looked at Anj. He was sitting up super straight and checking all the mirrors, trying to switch lanes, and it wasn't anywhere near our exit.

My stomach felt gross.

Then I knew.

It was us. Oh shit.

And one of our dang tires.

A front tire.

The one on my side.

I was lower than the rest of the car.

Holy snapple.

Andrew is all cool and collected, calmly trying to get over - first, to the lane to our right, and eventually, to the shoulder of the upcoming exit without getting blasted by the people on 77 who could give two shits about slowing down for a car in distress.

Me? Calm? Not so much.

"Turn on the hazzards! Turn on the hazzards! Blow the horn! These people are nuts! We'll never get over!"

We finally make it over to the shoulder by the exit.

The guard rails are quickly approaching on my side, and we can't exactly slam on breaks, because there is only one tire supporting the front end of the car.

Closer and closer and closer.

I am just waiting to hear the sound of the whole passenger's side grinnnnnnding against the guard rails, and I'm already wondering how either one of us is going to be able to get out - me, because I'm about to be pinned against the guard rails, and Anj, because he'll be right against people flying onto the exit.

Finally, the car comes to a stop, and I am too close to the guard rail to open the door, and therefore, we are also too close to the guard rail for Anj to have room to change the tire.

So, we have to back up, on the shoulder, against oncoming traffic alongside the highway.

I am talkin' to Jesus 900 miles a minute, but I feel confident that He can understand every word I'm sayin'.

As we are backing up, I can hear the tire rim, wrapped in lose, flapping rubber, grinding against the ground with every rotation.

Eventually, we were far enough away from the guard rail to stop with enough room to change the tire.

Anj waited for a break in traffic to get out of the driver's side.

I got out and looked, and Anj yelled at me to get back in the car and stay out of the road because it was dangerous.

But, all I could think about was

1) if I get out, and stand in the grass (on the safe side of the guard rail), it'll hopefully draw attention of drivers who are probably looking at their phones or changing the radio or yelling at their kids ... to the fact that we are parked, and not simply braking

2) if a car is not paying attention, I want time to yell at Anj to get the hell up and come to the grass with me before they slam into Sylvia

3) me continuing to sit in the front passenger seat is just adding another several, unneeded pounds to that rim

So, I grabbed the car manual because getting to my spare tire is totally random and not intuitive, got out of the car, stepped over the guard rail, back into the grass, and prepared to shout over the traffic to my husband in case he needed more info.

Then, I thanked the Lord Jesus above for 1) getting us safely across two lanes, plus an exit lane to the safety of the shoulder so we could change our tire 2) letting my dear sweet husband be there with me or I woulda been toe out tha frame (more than I was) 3) not letting my rim get damaged or bent 4) providing everything we needed within the car to get the tired changed (jack, spare, tire iron, etc)

Then, I prayed for Him to keep us safe until the tire was changed, and not let that jack collapse before Anj got the spare on.

My heart was racin' y'all.

People were flying by, blowing the horn at us while my husband crawled around on the pavement, beside heavy 65 mph traffic, in his shorts and flip flops, sweating like a mule to get our tire changed.

Thankfully, Anj was able to get the spare on with no real trouble, and no one blasted our asses in the process.

I told Anj on the way home, that I realized that sometimes, I just wanna know WHY!? WHY!? WHY?! with things that happen in this life of ours. WHY does God allow it? Has he forgotten us? What is his reasoning? But, every single time I wonder that - without fail - he reminds me in another, totally unrelated way, that he is still in control, and he blesses us everyday.

He and Sylvia must be pretty tight because this sho ain't the first time he has rescued homegirl.

The Lord is good, friends.

And I thank him for this guy:

I was thinking about our friend paying our bill, and how nice that was of him to do.

And how good it felt to do something nice for someone else by leaving the waitress the tip that was almost the total cost of our bill. And then how nice it is of Jesus to rescue us from disasters pretty much around the clock. Sometimes we can see those disasters being averted plain as day - like when our tire blew out today. But, a lot of times, we have to look a little closer, and think a little deeper and more positively. He's saving us from other messes that we don't even know about. Some of those things that we see as disappointments and failures are really God saying, "I have a better time frame, and a better plan, just hold tight."

We couldn't find any obvious cause. We think the tire just blew. But, I'm due for some new tires anyway, so Miss Sylvia will be gettin' herself four brand new shoes come Monday.

why i love me some Jesus

i am a spiritual person, not so much religious, i don't think. people made religion. and some people get up on their pedestal with that shit, and let the self-righteousness begin! no thanks.
i have lots of friends who are agnostic, or just don't know if they should trust God or not, or just haven't really given it much thought, and they've asked me why? why do i believe in a God who allows pain, suffering, frustration and confusion? {it is definitely tough to imagine that God would allow us to suffer, but it is also easy to see why so many would be turned off to Jesus because of how some of His followers behave, unfortunately}

welp ... here's my thoughts ... 

some of us believe that God is in control.
some of us aren't so sure.
some of us {believers and non-believers} confuse religion with knowing God, and they are not the same.
i think that sometimes religion, and specifically the "law" of religion {and the judgement and hypocrisy}, drive people away from knowing the Lord.
and people who grew up with some form of  "religion" that they found to be so scarring and strict that they now want nothing to do with Jesus at all is even more cray to me. pretty sure that's not how Jesus intended it. knowing Him shouldn't be a set of rules where you feel like you can't breathe and if you don't follow 'em, He's gonna kick you to the curb. He's full of forgiveness, and He also always knows the true motives of your heart, frands - even if other people have no clue.

some don't talk about "religion" on their blog because they just don't have an interest, or they don't want to lose followers.
welp, it's your blog. you do you, shug.
to me, this is my blog, and if people don't care to read it, they don't have to. when i read people who think God is a crock, i politely click the red X and move on.
while i don't intend to "push" God on people, for me, He is my everything. He has gotten me through countless things that i know i wouldn't have been able to deal with otherwise, because i am totally weak. and He's the only one who has never, ever, ever failed me.
does that mean He always gives me what i want?
does it mean that i won't have consequences for selfishness and decisions that sprung from bitterness and greed?
of course not. that's stupid. believing in Him does not equal a free and painless ride through life.
it means that now you have someone to turn to, to listen to you, and to help you along the way, no matter how many times you screw up. someone who understands the ins and outs of your heart, even when you aren't so sure of it yourself.
as far as i'm concerned, it's a blessing that i know Him myself, i see it as a gift.
who am i to judge people for not choosing a relationship that i feel chose me to begin with?
i share my belief with those who seem to be hurting, and those who ask.
if they want to know more, they know where to find me. but, i am not going to worry over "their future" because ultimately God is in control. period.
that's how i see it.

some say that there's no such thing as a mistake.
well, of course there is ... mistakes happen all the time, that's how we learn and grow. otherwise, we'd all be perfect, right?
but i don't think there's a such thing as "accidentally getting off the path that was intended for you"
in other words, that mistake {and the lessons that were learned} are part of your path.
might not be the path you intended for yourself.
might not be the path you ever imagined yourself on, but if you think about it, everything in life is intertwined.
if you didn't go through this, you wouldn't have felt that, and you wouldn't have had a connection with so-and-so. you might not have moved here, or quit that job, or finally had enough and learned to stand up for yourself. the pain you went through might be what gave you the heart to have compassion for someone else instead of judging them.
some of the best friendships are formed because somebody made a mistake and needed someone to talk to, who understood the painful lesson that was being learned.

we could all do the what if's till the cows come home.
what if, what if, what if?
but, i know God has never given me something i couldn't handle.
i have watched the Lord work miracles in people very close to me that i just could not fathom ever happening. ever. i know that the strength to get through what they were facing simply did not come from them alone.
i have witnessed Him keep me from some damn stupid choices that would have ended in who knows what. i have begged Him in tears to deliver me from pain that i was just drowning in - from childhood until now. sometimes i don't even know what to pray, i just talk to Him and ask Him to help me. and He always delivers.
the key is finding a positive in every situation. find the positive in what resulted. find the positives in the people who are there to support you.
sometimes there's no explanation for your pain. period. there just isn't.

but for me, it is absolutely priceless to know that God had His reasons and He loves me still, and He's got a plan, even if i don't get it.
and it's human nature not to see or appreciate the sunny days if we haven't gone through the storms first.

when i think about how Jesus has my back, and listens to my prayers, {and i try to be real honest in my prayers - just like me & Jesus are chit-chattin' at starbucks, because He already knows anyway} and when i am tellin' him how i am mad at so-and-so and askin' Him to help me be patient and help me get over myself, i feel real snuggly in His arms, just like this lamb:

i've also spent a lot of time wondering how you can tell what God's will is.
well, that's just it.
it isn't black and white. but, there are some guidelines, frands.

sometimes we pray about something, and God leaves that door open instead of slamming it shut, so we think, "He wants me to do this", even if the bible specifically says not to. nope. i think that's you lyin' to yoself, shug. good luck with that.
take that road if you want, but likely, the meaning for it is far from what you think, and probably gonna be more painful than you bargained for. to me, the harder your head, the harder you fall.
i have learned plenty of things the hard way, myself.

and sometimes, it's not that we are blatantly disobeying what the bible says, rather, we just don't know what to do ... like taking a job or not, what city to live in, etc. neither decision is wrong, but, you just have to pick. sometimes God will let you know in His own way. but, sometimes, you just have to do something.
pick a path.
take a chance.
you'll learn what you need to learn.
you'll get to where you are supposed to be.
sometimes what comes from that decision is not at all what you thought. and it might not work out in your favor at all, but you had to go down that path to figure it out, and to get to a better place than you thought you'd be.

i also told my husband over the weekend, that even though i wake up feeling like, "what am i doing?", and that my life got derailed when i became unemployed from teaching, then lost a baby, then ended up working at the store, i also cherish the time i get to spend at the store because i enjoy that time with my father-in-law, and i know i wouldn't have that time with him if i had a teaching job. to me, it is a precious gift that i never would have intentionally worked out for myself.

sometimes we need to stop worrying about the what ifs.
find the blessings in your current situation.
do what's right by others, and the rest will fall into place.

and that's my two cents on how i'm glad that Jesus gots this thing called life, because hell, i don't.
it's why i'm faithful and trust Him {although sometimes i do have to remind myself}.

and this concludes this episode of Jesusing Around on the Blog, (hey steph)

deuces.

God made a farmer, y'all.

And He gave me an awesome FIL who lets {?} me come clean, organize and decorate his old general store.

I'm still alive.

And still busy.

The store and I have been spendin' a lot of time together.
It is in need of some love.
 Bonus, I get to hang out with fabulous shugpies like this while I'm there:

And then there's The Hardware Show.
There is somethin' magical about old men in tall ball caps talkin' about seed spreaders and mouse traps and cast iron cookware.

And I've had to help clean up some messes.

But, I still love y'all.

What can I say? My B.

Sometimes life happens.

PS - the best thing about The Super Bowl?

This commercial:

Way to have the nuts to mention God in a Super Bowl commercial.

And farmers.

Some people make fun of schools like State and Clemson {among others}.

I wanna know where the hell y'all think your food comes from.

Deuces for now.

greetings, 2013

my first thought was, 'nothing super eventful happened in 2012. i mean, nothing worth blogging about anyway.'

but, that's a lie.

every day, every month, every year, is a learning experience, and some things realized, some things lost, some things gained.

in 2012, 

i let go and let God ... move me to somewhere i had major hesitations about at first.

after a bunch of back and forth about jobs and work and what to do,

i just said, 'screw it.'

i'm happy now.

i gave up a job that i thought i'd wanted forever.

i took another job similar to it in a new city.

that job was taken away before my first day of teaching.

a month later i found out i was pregnant.

i felt extreme joy.

and extreme uneasiness and fear.

four weeks after finding out i was pregnant, 

i found out it was ectopic.

i had surgery hours later.

i cried a lot.

i thanked God for getting me through it,

and for giving me a positive prognosis for the future.
 {are y'all sick of reading about the ectopic?
because i'm sick of thinking about it/writing about it,
but it's still a thing in my world right now, so thanks for stickin' around.}

i finally got my a1c below 6.

5.8 !!!!

i thanked God some more.

i learned that there is no such thing as a normal family.

everybody's has got somethin'.

love 'em anyway.

i learned it's okay to do what feels best for your own marriage/family.

even if that means your family and friends don't always get it.

 choose space,

and time with your husband,

if that's what you and your husband want and need.

life's too short to stay busy with stuff that makes you irritated and unhappy.

i saw my husband in a whole new light.

turns out it is possible to wake up everyday and love him more than i did the day before that, 

or the day before that, 

or the day before that.

sometimes yucky times are also times for you to feel someone's love in a different way than you ever have before,
because they have an opportunity to show you that love in a different way than they ever have before.

i feel like i know who i am again.

i haven't felt like this since high school.

maybe this sounds strange to some people.

i learned that caring what people think doesn't change it,

so why waste your energy?

i learned that no matter what you do,

somebody will be judging.

or be pissed.

or irritated.

again, i learned that caring what people think doesn't change it,

so why waste your energy?

i have a lot more free time than i used to.

and although i'm not as busy with stuff stress,

i can think about what's around me.

i can appreciate it.

i can learn to be who i am and say no sometimes.

what i do or don't do for a living is not who i am.

my diabetes is not who i am.

having a baby is not who i am.

thanks to God for seeing things ahead of time.

for setting it up perfectly.

for letting me know i'll be okay.

for giving me the most amazing husband.

a husband i could have never dreamed up.

he's all the things i needed and wanted,

even before i knew it.

here's to 2013,

the next 365 days,

the good,

the bad,

the scary,

the sad,

the frustrating.

may we be blessed enough to grow from it,

and be a little bit more of what God intends us to be.

______________

and the resolutions, well, i just want to get back on the wagon that i fell off of recently:

i need to get back to some form of exercise - loved my daily walks and i let the weather talk me out of it, then holidays came, and now i am totally derailed.

and gluten, been cheatin' like a mo on that.
no bueno.

other than that, i'ma keep livin' how i'm livin'.

new year's eve bonfire tonight, y'all!
whoop! whoop!
remember last year's bonfire/oyster roast?

this year's pics will be sans Nita Nikon, but we will survive.

happy new year's eve, friends!
be safe!

sandy hook - what can we really do?

we have all been slapped in the face with the reality that friday really did happen.

many {myself included} are posting images on facebook about prayer for the victims' families.

i agree - we SHOULD be praying {again, myself included}

REALLY praying.

i have been feeling so many things since what happened in newtown on friday, and i just couldn't get my thoughts together, so i posted about my weekend instead.
but then i read Ashley's post today, and it really hit me.
YES! this is exactly how i feel.

it's so easy to think, "wow. that is so, so awful. i really feel for those people, especially right here at Christmas. thank God for my own kids/family. i'm going to hug them extra tight today."

many have said they don't want to talk about it or think about it because it's just too depressing.

i do think that the media is totally inappropriate by interviewing the victims' families, and children and faculty who watched everything go down that day, and that they have crossed the line from reporting what happened over to simply being obsessed with how it went down and wanting to get into the mind of the sick person who did this. enough is enough. but, it's anything for a dollar and for an increase in viewership. 

but - by avoiding the thought of what happened, and these people's pain because it is "too much", are we thereby ignoring it?

are we thinking, "it's so awful, i don't even want to ruin my happy mood thinking about it? what can i do about it anyway? i don't want to spend christmas thinking about such an awful thing."

well, that's just it. 

what can we do?

we can pray. and pray hard. and no one can ever take that away.

for me, my blog is a voice - a voice for happy, for sad, and for real.

in my opinion, that is exactly what the problem is. 

we don't stand up for what we believe in and who we really are because we don't want to go against the grain, or hurt someone's feelings.

i believe that God does listen to our prayers, and that prayers do matter.

and i know for me, personally, if i choose to ignore someone's pain, and to shield myself from thinking, i mean really thinking, about what they are going through, then it's of course easier for me to go on about my merry way, but it is much harder for me to relate to their pain, and therefore, harder to pray.

and the gun laws - guns did not kill these kids. someone who was obviously very mentally disturbed did.

period. you can take away every weapon in this country, and people will find a way to execute evil.

a man in china stabbed 22 people outside a school on the same day as the shootings in CT.

he didn't use a gun to inflict violence.

guess what? all of the negative things done in this country are done ILLEGALLY. because that's what laws are for, to discourage people from doing crazy shit, which would usually involve hurting themselves or others or both. but here's the thing, people who want to do such acts badly enough will hardly be deterred because of a damn law. i don't understand how this is not obvious.

meth, crack, coke, sex rings, tax evasion, insurance fraud, money laundering, armed robbery, rape ...  this could go on and on and on - all illegal - people who want to do sketchy shit will find a way.

laws don't stop a mentally ill person who has set out to accomplish something like this.

just like people who walk through restraining orders and kill people - happens every single day.

evil will find a way.
it'll find a way into this world, and into schools.
we need more support for the mentally ill people who are committing these crimes.
for those kids who grow up with abusive parents and then as adults, turn right around and repeat that behavior.
i guess some people are just mean. plain and simple.
but most people who are disturbed are either sick and need help, or are deeply hurting.
what's happened has happened.
crazy shootings in malls.
in movie theaters.
in high schools.
in elementary schools.
on college campuses.
remember andrea yates? she drowned all five of her children, one at a time, in a bathtub after battling postpartum psychosis for years - with it getting worse after each birth. her doctors advised her not to have a fifth child for fear the psychosis would get worse, but her husband thought she'd be fine at home all. day. long. homeschooling five children.

let me say that i have respect for anyone who is doing something - tomorrow's blogger day of silence directs people to a site to raise money for the victims, write your congressman, volunteer to work with children in your own area, or most importantly, truly, truly praying.
we need to strengthen mental health care in this country, and stop thinking about how tragic things are after the fact. after - when people have already lost their 1st grader, high schooler, college student, wife, girlfriend, mother, etc.

and as i write this, i am feeling very convicted because i need to be more fervent in my own prayers.

so, please don't see this as a judgment.

i think that's how it has to work sometimes, sadly so. we just can't see all we have to be grateful for, or how sick a shape the world is truly in until something like this happens.

it's time for us all to wake the eff up!

so, i guess my point is this:

{1}

the media in this country need to show some respect and stop harrassing the victims' families.

our country has become obsessed with anything that is someone else's pain or discomfort. most of the trash that is on tv and in gossip magazines includes how quickly celebrity marriages end, who had an affair with whom, who is caught up in a drug addiction, who is knocked up by so-and-so's spouse, who is too fat, who is too skinny. is this really all we have to be concerned about?

 and we feed it by watching this shit and reading about it, causing the ratings to skyrocket. 
their angle and obsession with each and every disturbing detail in occurrences like this end up portraying the murderer as some sort of legend.
how the killer managed to "pull this off" and how long he had been "planning it" makes him sound like a fuckin mastermind, and i am over it. and we wonder why the next big thing is "worse" {how can we even measure pain like that?} than the big violent act before.

{2}

do something, and that something can be genuinely praying, which may involve that we face what happened. however painful that may be, the families in newtown have it a zillion times worse. although a teacher is not allowed to lead prayer in schools or force it upon the students, nobody is stopping him/her or the students or anyone else from praying in the building and on school grounds.

is the government really who is keeping prayer out of schools, or are we just giving up on it and looking for someone to blame?

{3}

mental illness should be taken just as seriously as physical illness, and it should not be something that a person should be made to feel ashamed to seek help for. resources given by the government to help those with mental illness should reflect this. illness is illness - whether it's your brain or your heart or your lungs or whatever. people who have been in assisted living for a diagnosed mental illness should not have to fight a battle to keep from being  kicked out into the street only months after being accepted and selling their house. it's happening in my hometown, and i can only assume that it's happening in other places as well. we will never make sense of what happens in mass shootings or other acts of extreme violence because we don't think the way the people who commit these acts think. the brain is a functioning organ just like any other. we need to stop treating mental illness like something that people can just "deal with" or worst case scenario, sit around being sad.

_____________

 may the Lord be with those victims' families, and the students, faculty, and first responders who will forever be haunted by what they saw that day. may He bring peace and support during a time when those people have no answers. no justification for what happened. be with those affected today, tomorrow morning, next week, next year, the year those kids should have graduated, and essentially forever. may He show us a way to find some good from what happened - be it nurturing our own relationships that were previously taken for granted, standing up for what we know is right, or showing us ways to help those in need. may He help us all to understand that although those events {as well as many, many other pains in life} will never make sense to us, that He is still there for us all, and that our pain does not mean that He has abandoned us. help us to all have more patience with others and less judgment - for we will never know all the battles that others face - or what causes them to behave the way that they do. let us imagine for a moment what it is like to be in the shoes of the person that we choose to condemn before we pass judgment and speak out of hate or anger. let us think for a moment, would we rather trade places? help us to have a heart like yours.

Amen

In Memory:

Olivia Engel, 6
Emilie Parker, 6
Charlotte Bacon, 6
Ana Marquez-Greene, 6
Dylan Hockley, 6
Madeleine Hsu, 6
Catherine Hubbard, 6
Jesse Lewis, 6
James Mattioli, 6
Jack Pinto, 6
Noah Pozner, 6
Caroline Previdi, 6
Jessica Rekos, 6
Avielle Richman, 6
Benjamin Wheeler, 6
Allison Wyatt, 6
Daniel Barden, 7
Josephine Gay, 7
Chase Kowalski, 7
Grace McDonnell, 7
Anne Marie Murphy, 25
Victoria Soto, 27
Rachel Davino, 29
Lauren Rousseau, 30
Dawn Lafferty Hochsprung, 47
Anne Marie Murphy, 52
Mary Sherlach, 56

* list of names found from another awesome blog i love, handbags & handguns

dear ectopic & multiple personalities,

this is about to be one of those blunt posts, so if you're here for humor, today's probably not it. and, i'm acutally writing this on tuesday, but it won't post til friday, so i can assure you that by the time you read this, my mood will have changed.

over the weekend, i kept waiting for my period to come. it was a little late, but i wasn't getting my hopes up because i've learned that getting your hopes up will typically fuck you over backfire. {wait, i shouldn't have said that, i have so much to be grateful for, and the truth is, i have gotten my hopes up in many other areas of my life, and everything did turn out, just fine, in fact. if you are new here and have no idea what i'm talking about, you should read this post first.} it finally showed up on monday, just three days late. good, i thought. that's fine. the surgery was only a couple months ago, it's not like we've been trying for forever. i went on about my day, thankful that my body is regulating itself back out, and that i still have one healthy fallopian tube left. everything is just fine.

then, a friend texted me and told me she was pregnant and sent me a picture of the sonogram.
i told her congratulations, and then i cried for two hours that night, and more into the next day.
i just looked at the text, and that was it. just started crying so hard i could hardly talk. i just showed anj my phone.
anj was sitting there with me, asking me what i was thinking about and then i went through all of it all over again.

i had just spent the previous few days wanting to feel sad, because i didn't really. wondering what is wrong with me that i'm not distraught. i want to just feel terrible about everything that happened for a few days, weeks, whatever, and get it out of my system, and be done with it. but, instead, i feel totally awesome and then out of nowhere, BOOM. tears. tears of anger, rage, guilt, devastation, ... and then i just feel silly for feeling all of it, or any of it, or i don't even know, really.

it's like there are three me's.
me #1 is a bitter, jealous bitch. a bitch who swears that every single female of child bearing age within a 5,000 mile radius is pregnant. a bitch who is sick of facebook, and sick of instagram and the saturation of the free world with pictures of babies.

me #2 HATES me #1. the real, normal, before-the-ectopic me is nothing like me #1. i feel joy for my friends, and grateful that God has blessed them. And I KNOW THAT I WOULD BE THE SAME WAY IF I WERE PREGNANT/HAD A BABY. And they should be happy! That is normal.

me #3 is just guilty. guilty that i have any negative feelings whatsoever. why should i complain? it could have been worse. i could have bled to death. drs could be telling me that i can't have kids at all. even if i can't, i have a wonderful husband. i am so blessed in so many other ways, etc, etc, etc.

i feel like the regular, somewhat sane me is nowhere to be found when these three are around tag-teaming my brain. and i go from me #1 to me #2 to me #3 very rapidly - almost at the same time. they are like triplets who always travel together. rage, hating myself for being an evil bitch, and then just guilty that i'm not grateful enough for what i have already. rinse, repeat.

i am sick of this shit. really, really sick of it. 
nope, i won't be negative and ungrateful. 
i can't decide.
so,

dear the three me's, 

i get that y'all have been through some shit. but i am really over your whole disappear-and-then-pop-up-at-random act. i hate feeling like this. one day i feel one way, and the next day it can be the total opposite. who the hell do y'all think you are, robbing me of feeling happiness for my friends? because i know they would be happy for me if the tables were turned. 
i do NOT appreciate y'all just snatching away my control. control of how i feel and how i react. i am not crazy, and i don't appreciate y'all making me feel like i am.
y'all can pack your shit up and get on back to wherever it is that you were previously hiding, and stay there. 
i miss the normal, old, optimistic me, who is around 99% of the time.
you are not welcome here. 
i don't really know which of you i hate the most. all of you together are an especially ugly combination, given that you switch it up every 2.4 seconds. my husband never knows what to expect. neither do i. 
so, whenever you are done fucking with me, i'd love to get back to being optimistic and happy for my friends without having to go through a range of psycho emotions first. 

thanks!

yours truly,
sane, happy-for-others, not-feeling-sorry-for-myself me

i wasn't going to write this because guilty me was afraid of offending my preggo friend and hurting her feelings. but, sane me texted her and explained myself and warned her of this post so she wouldn't take it the wrong way. i sort of had an epiphany while i was texting her.
i told her: it's hard not having anywhere to place your anger. what happened is no one's fault. not mine, not andrew's, not the doctors', not God's, and not my friends' who are having healthy pregnancies right now.
i guess some say i could be mad at God if i wanted to. i tried to be, but it doesn't work. i cannot be mad at God because HE HAS DONE SO MANY POSITIVE THINGS FOR ME THAT I AM SO UNDESERVING OF. He could have stopped my ectopic. He could have made it a healthy pregnancy. but, i think if you can't learn to trust God ALL the time - through good and bad, you are screwed. God doesn't do halvsies.

and here's what else, ty posted about some chick who was PROUD that she had gotten married young and had all her kids in her early twenties. well, good for you, bitch. aren't you lucky? guess what. YOU didn't do any of that on your own account, God above is the only one who allowed you to have such blessings. i have not read that chick's post, but just the sheer thought of such shit simply enraged me. don't even get me started on people who take credit for everything in their lives with little or no credit given to God for what He has done.

that is all that i am aware that i am feeling right this second.

thanks for letting me vent. :)

now, since i'm definitely not pregnant, i am going to starbuck's to get the biggest pumpkin spice latte they will sell me.

xo

* update: since typing this post tuesday morning, i had a conversation with a new friend on tuesday afternoon and found out that she lost her baby at 22 weeks. twenty-two weeks! can you imagine?!  and now, i'm on the other end of the spectrum again, where i think i should just shut up and get over it because oh my word, it could clearly have been worse. but you know what, she was so positive! and so inspirational! and so full of everything that God stands for. even after all that! just what i needed to hear. :)

put away your phone, and stop bein greedy

hello sugar lumps, 

hope y'all are havin a magical time with friends and/or family.

remember the real spirit of this season.

it's not about stuff.

it's not about complaining.

it's not about rushing around and camping out to get cheap shit.
it's not about pouting because you didn't get the lastest iphone - and it's not about sitting on your phone/ipad/whatever when you have the chance to spend time with your family.

suck it up, think about what you truly have to be grateful for.

some people are pained with the memory of a lost loved one.

some are ill.

some are overseas so we can have our freedom.
 some are lost - in drug addiction, in alcoholism.

some are going through divorce.

some have no family.
some are lonely in a house full of people.

some are hungry.

some are cold.

so even if so-and-so gets on your nerves, or you don't like your inlaws, or you don't get along with your sister, or so-and-so's thanksgiving meal is not up to your standards, there is still something tons to thank God for.

i saw this post over at raven's recently, and thought i'd share, because
i agree.

__________________

But The Greatest Of These Is Love

It's the holidays, and everywhere I look in my personal life, I see so much love, family, support, kindness and so much good. My kids are happy and healthy and they will have a Christmas filled with all the aforementioned and presents. We didn't go all out this year, in fact we kept their gift giving pretty small, but the fact is, unlike so many other children, my kids will have something to open. So many kids will have nothing this Christmas. 

 

And that breaks. my. heart.

 

So many people won't have anyone to spend the holidays with. They will be home alone on Thanksgiving, eating solo at a diner or standing in line at a homeless shelter. We may pass these people every day and not know it. They could be the person in front of us in traffic, driving too slow, too fast, maybe taking a few extra seconds to realize the light in front of them turned green, so if we could all think about that before angrily honking our horn or driving by and shaking our finger at them. They could be the person who bumps into us in a crowded store and makes us drop all our gifts we were taking to the register. Before yelling at them to "watch where you're going," we could instead smile and say "pardon me." A little kid who is acting up at the childs play area could very well be a little kid who won't see a single present this Christmas and won't get a chance to sit on Santa's lap. We should remember that, and not be quick to judge or act in anger or frustration. 

 

I think this holiday season we should go even further then that. To not just stand back and stop ourselves from acting in anger, but to reach out more. Say hello and smile more to strangers we pass, offer to return someones cart in the grocery parking lot, pay for the persons order behind us at the Starbucks drive-thru, hold the door open for someone even if they are just far enough away that you could let it close behind you.

 

To extend grace. 

 

To realize that maybe, just maybe, the person who seems like they deserve it the least, need love and compassion the most. Actions are powerful, yes, but words are paramount. Watch your words. You never know what it could mean to someone. I can tell you there have been very specific times in my life, that I remember vividly like it happened yesterday, where I was completely overwhelmed, felt like I wanted to curl up in ball and cry myself into oblivion, when a complete stranger said something to me, reached out and said something. They didn't have to, but they did. It may have been simple to them, but it meant the world to me. There are people out there who feel like no one in this world cares about them, and as someone who has no idea what that feels like, I don't want to contribute to that feeling for anyone. It literally hurts my heart to think of the deep, deep pain and loneliness that others feel (except murderers and child molesters, I hope they burn in hell. Just had to throw that one out there) and I think we as human beings have a responsibility to be good people. To build others up and not tear them down. 

 

It's important.

 

Because as one very wise person once said, BE KIND. FOR EVERYONE YOU MEET IS FIGHTING A HARD BATTLE.

__________________

see? wasn't that awesome? thanks, Raven, for letting  me share! 

enjoy your time with your own shugpies ...
and say thanks ...

 

thank you ... serious stuff

Sometimes it's really hard to find "peace". But, I think if you look for it, you find a little bit here, and a little bit there. Little pieces of calm. Little reminders that everything's cool. It's gone be aiight.

After all, who ever said life was always peaches & cream?

I just wanted to share a couple of little pieces of sunshine here on the bloggy today. 

The first is the photo above, taken around 7:30 am at my Meemaw's house.

It makes me happy.

The second is the feeling of peace and calm that comes from just being still and listening. Simplicity. God does talk, if we can calm down long enough to listen. 

The photos below are taken at an older church in my hometown. 

To me, there is something serene and comforting about old churches.
Just the people, the hymn books, the Bible and God.

I realize I have spoken more of God lately, likely because of the baby we lost. I also realized I have lost a few followers.  Well, good riddance, sugar pies. I believe that God comes and finds us in His time, whether we are ready or not.  I also believe that He comes around in simple ways to remind us that He's there.
I have to tell y'all what happened to me last week. An unknown number called my cell, and I didn't recognize it, so I ignored it. Figured they'd leave a message if they really knew me and needed to talk to me.  Several hours later, the same number called back. Anj and I were online, trying to look up the number, and all we found was that it was a local wireless number. A few moments later, I realized they'd left a voice mail this time.
Guess who it was.


My surgeon.         Calling to thank me {?!?!?!} for the thank you note I sent to his office. You see, about a week after my surgery, I decided to send the nurses on that hospital floor, and my gynecologists' office a thank you card. Because even though it is "their job" to care for patients physically, they went above and beyond to make sure I was comfortable & felt taken care of, and treated me like a human being with feelings instead of just another "ectopic". I have had doctors in the past who were assholes and should not have been in charge of taking care of a house plant, much less people trying to have a child.
Anyway, in the card, I thanked him and my other doctor {who couldn't do my surgery because he had to fly out of town that night for a conference}, as well as the nurse and the sonogram lady because they were all so warm, and so kind. I never once feared the surgery, and I just felt in my heart that I was in good hands. I told them in the card that I thanked God for putting me under their care, because the whole experience would have been absolutely terrifying had this all happened with my last doctor {whose name sounded very close to Dr. Vulgar Puss - should have been a sign}.
So, he said in the voice mail that he couldn't let it go without calling me to tell me how much the card meant to them, and that it was so heartfelt and sweet, and that he prays that I will have a healthy pregnancy in the very near future, and God bless.
I think God talks to us all in His own special way. We all hear Him differently. But to me, that may as well have been God himself callin to say, "Girrrrl, I got this. You need to just calm down, shug."
Soooo, a couple things:
1) Never underestimate the power of thank you - you never know how it might brighten someone's day, or even mean much, much more to them than you even intended 2) God is bigger than all our problems. He will talk with you if you ask Him to. Try not to give up even though it's hard to understand how God can allow so much pain even though He loves us. 3) Trust your instincts. I never liked my last doctor. He was a dick. He was monotone and sounded just like that dude on the Clear Eyes commercial. I knew when I met these doctors the first time, that I was in good hands, and I am tellin y'all, it made all the difference in how I am coping with what happened.
I would also like to say thank you to those of you who read my blog. I love nothing more than reading your comments, and hearing what you think. My blog is a little different than most blogs in blogland. A lot of my readers are people who are not in my age group, and are people who grew up the way I did, and like me, feel blessed to have grown up in the rural south. I don't really know "what this blog is about". I just write whatever I want. I try not to talk politics, because it's a good way to lose friends.  But, I do talk God, and there won't ever come a time when I refrain from talking about God when I want to. That's what's wrong with the world now. People believe in something in private, but when it comes to standing up for it in public, they are afraid of being judged, or being different than their friends. I'm not being something I'm not to gain followers, or to keep from losing them. That's not why I write, so the button has been deleted. I'm not interested in hosting a give away every week to bribe people into reading my blog, or linking up every other day to pimp myself out. To each his own.
Some posts on the blog are bitch fests, some posts are recaps of something we did, some posts are somethin good I ate that I think y'all should know about. But, it's all me.
So, not sure what deleting the gadget did as far as you readers who were "followers" via the button ... but you can still subscribe via your email address if you'd like.
Thanks for everything shugs!
xo 

when the bottom drops out

tuesday before last i was in surgery to remove my ectopic pregnancy.
i feel like a whack job for still writing about this, but then i realize, it's okay that i'm still talking about it, and nobody has to read it if they don't want to.

i have spent 98% of the time since then feeling positive. i truly have. THANK GOD. in my sane mind, i feel hopeful, and doctors say the future looks good.

but then - there is the other 2%. the 2% that i pretty much am scared of. the 2% that just comes around without warning and without my permission. i feel like so many things happened in 8 weeks.

yay! we're pregnant!
omigod, something's not right about this.
honey, it's ectopic.
thank God i'm okay.
i let them take my baby.
you'll be fine! the future is bright!
wait! did i dream this? were we ever pregnant?
i had to let them take my baby. it would've never been a "real" baby anyway.
are we even ready to be parents?
i can't handle any of this.

at first, i was doing really well telling myself that it wasn't really a baby anyway. i mean, it was what, the size of a blueberry?

but then, people say, "i'm so sorry you lost your baby." "your baby's in heaven." etc. etc. etc. clearly, these people aren't to blame for the state of my emotions. and we appreciate each and every single card, text, message, post, comment, phone call. 
every. single. word.

one second, i will be perfectly fine. just like earlier today, when i posted about scar bear. then, i suddenly feel pissed at the world - including the husband i've spent so much time thanking God for. the same husband that i have bragged on because he truly has been amazing. next, i just break down into an uncontrollable sob at the end of dinner.

people have said, "let yourself grieve." "your pain is your pain." "you shouldn't feel guilty for what you feel - whether it's happy or sad."

for a while, i thought, "something is wrong with me, that i'm not more upset ... right?" i was mostly consumed with gratitude to God for saving me, and letting me have another chance at motherhood after this. frankly, i started to feel guilty when people began to share stories much worse than mine. i mean what kind of a pitiful sob story am i? i mean, damn, self, get over you!

but then i think, "wait. what if this isn't it? what if this is just the beginning? what if God is just preparing me for a long, painful road ahead?" and i start to feel like i can't breathe.
then i bounce to, "beth, you are nuts. why do you think that? the doctor said the future's very bright."

y'all. i feel crazy. as. a. bat. cave!

{y'all need to pray for Anj Davis, livin up in here with my crazy ass. never knowin what he's gone get when he comes near me}

i feel like there are multiple people - with multiple personalities - in charge of running my brain and emotions, and they work random shifts of varying lengths, and i never know when the shifts are going to change.

the thing i hate the most is the person who works the bitter shift.
i feel disgusted with myself when i feel envy. i hate, hate, hate bitterness and envy and the nasty thoughts they bring with them. we could get on the "why" train and ride til we run out of tracks, right?

* why are there people throwing their unwanted babies in dumpsters?
* why are there people who are lazy as hell having 6, 7, 8 babies - that they treat like burdens - so they can live off the government for the rest of their lives - and they even have the balls to tell you so!
* why do people who do nothing but fight and yell at their kids seem to be able to get pregnant whenever the hell they want?
* why did i wait until i was 29 to even start trying?
* why are there people in this world insisting on c-sections on a specific day so they can do shit like make some damn daycare cutoff date when there are other people who just want their baby to exist - on any fuckin day?
* why?
* why?
* why?

but if i know anything, i know that God ain't about some "whys". it makes sense to Him, and it may never, ever make sense to me.

but that doesn't mean He doesn't care. and it doesn't mean that He's abandoned us. it's easy to trust God when everything is awesome and going your way. and it's real easy to turn on Him and fend for yourself when He's done things to piss you off or hurt your feelings - or at least allowed them to happen.

anyhoo - i guess this is another stage of the many emotions i am processing right now. and just like that - in the time it took me to type this up, it's over. i feel grateful and optimistic again. it's like the grief has to surface for a few minutes every few days, rear its ugly ass head, pout and cry, and then it can leave. whatever, bitch. i'm about to take some melatonin and get some sleep.

i guess these last few weeks are about as honest and raw as i've ever been on the blog.
thanks for letting me vent. that's my primary purpose in this blog's existence. just to get it out of my system. with this particular situation, i hope, somehow, some way, someone in a situation like mine will be helped - if for no other reason than just to know they're not alone, and that someone else out there has felt what they're feeling. i also hope to share my own faith. without it, i'd be nothing but a pitiful blob of poor ole me and anger. (right now, i'm not to full-blown blob status, i'm just a lil dablet, thank God.)

i've had so many people tell me that i inspire them. that they are encouraged by my optimism. that i'm so strong. i find this to be mind blowing. because i have never thought so. it's more like, i'm in a fog. but i will say that i have prayed and prayed, over the course of my life this basic prayer:

"Dear Lord, please give me whatever be your will, because I know your will is best. Help me to get past what I want, and realize that I never fully know what it is that I'm asking for, and therefore, what you may be protecting me from. Please give me the strength to get through whatever happens, and most importantly, please let me never doubt that you are in control and that I am being taken care of."

this has never failed me. it doesn't mean i don't cry. it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. but, it means that it hurts a little less, and that i have hope and comfort along the way. it means that i know that regardless of what's happening, it's not an accident. God's got it. and it's all part of His divine plan. God is in everything. the support system He's given me with all this is Him at work.

as soon as i started crying tonight, i took a shower, kept crying, and then, got out and immediately wanted the lap top so i could type this out. this blog is like a nice long walk, or a hot bath, or a nice massage. it's my way of addressing whatever it is in my brain at that moment, be it something i think is hilarious, or something that's breaking me that i need to get rid of, this blog is always here.

i've spoken with many women who preferred to keep their stories private, or at least limited to close family. that is just fine. we all deal differently. for me personally, keeping it in is like poison that just eats and eats away at me until i am completely consumed by it. so, thanks again, for letting me ramble, and for actually reading this stuff.

okay, no more philosophical sap fest tonight.

take care friends! i'm about to get my night night on. thanks for listenin to my shit.

love y'all!

My Gnarly Surgery Scar says, "Have a Super Day!"

Sooo, this is gross, kinda, and I don't usually post even remotely gross stuff on the bloggy. But it made me laugh until I was cryin/squeakin/gyratin/snortin, so I'm postin about it. It's really not THAT gross, but if you have a pooh stomach, maybe look at it not super close to a meal time?

That's it. You were warned. Don't keep on readin and then leave some comment about how gross I am because YOU ARE CHOOSING TO KEEP READING. 

Alright ...

Last night upon observing the gnarltastic bruise I got accompanying my incision, I decided that I should share with the fam.

Mama was like: gross

Younger brother Eric was like: haha

Baby brother Mack {shown below} was like: moo. it looks like it's gonna talk!

I'm thinkin, what the hell is wrong with Mack?
But, then I see it! Not a cow, but a magical spotted bear!
And I laughed and laughed and laughed.
Which was causing me pain, so I just firmly held my hand against my guts and laughed some more.

Then I texted it to some other peeps who'd had a bad day, and made them laugh too. Then they showed their husbands. And their husbands laughed.

So, friends, here is my sicktastic scar with mayjah bruisin ... shaped like a widdle bear face, who's sayin, "Hey there, Shug! Cheer up!"

The black part at the top is my pants. This is taken from my point of view, lookin down at my boley holey.

The two lil dots that make the eyes are where some kinda probes were.
The "top" of the incision in the picture (which is really the bottom), is the nose.
And, of course, the boley holey itself is the mouth, which is duh, smiling.

The other two scars are not shown, as so far, they are making no effort to look like an awesome animal figure.

Happy Friday, and happy weekending peeps!

Love,
Shug in Boots & Scar Bear

good shiz, brought to you by Anj Pie & Facebook

Part 1
Anj is one of a kind.

So, feeling good today, peeps. I'm on this nasty cycle of being up half the night, and feelin ragged the next day, so I break down and have a nap, which further whacks me out. Soooo, today, I had me a lil Diet Mt. Dew before lunch, thinkin I could make it over the hump, sans nap, and wow, that shit is laced.

Anyhoo. Went to doctor today for my follow up. Everything looks super. Anj Pie decided to be a doll baby and drive me to my visit because he thinks it's shitty how I abuse my friends to not only do our dishes and bake for us, but then ask them to drive all out of their way to take me to the "vadge doctor" because he is the most awesome husband everrr. Here are several reasons why Anj is awesome. (I know y'all get sick of me talkin about how awesome he is, but I don't give a shit because it's my blog. I know this is a difficult concept for some people to grasp.)

1) When I ask Anj to please come snuggle with me on the couch, what I mean is, my incisions still hurt, so you're not gonna be able to actually lay down with me. But, I still want to be close to you. So, the only way I can think of to get this to work is that you are gonna have to sit at the foot of the couch and prop your head on my ass like it's a pillow, and endure the blows of my post surgery "wind". Oops. Bless his heart. He laid there a good 45 minutes. He told me the truth next time I asked him to come snuggle with me. "Anj, you wanna come snuggle wif me, shug?" "No." "Why not, Anj?" "Because you won't let me really snuggle. You make me sit at the end of the couch with your poots." :(  
*PS, I learned from too much googling that British people who are gassy after surgery say they are feeling "windy". WTF?

2) When I get the giggles ALL THE TIME (now that it hurts to laugh, of course) Anj at least acts like he's not annoyed that I now snort/squeak/gyrate uncontrollably to avoid putting too much pressure on my guts.

3) He makes bomb ass souvlaki with tzatziki sauce. Man!

4) Always bringin the humor at inappropriate times. When we go to the check up, and the doctor asks what questions I have, I ask him when is it safe to start trying again, and B) when is it safe to have sex at all? Even the protected kind, because, duh, a girl is worried about what all that might do to my not healed insides, am I right, or am I right? I mean, I can't even cough or laugh without hurting. Pretty sure I whacked out a muscle reaching the wrong way to turn off the bedside lamp. I mean, damn. I was tryin to save Anj from havin to ask because I know he wanted to know.

Well ... after getting that answered, the doctor asks if there's anything else he can help us with:

ANJ (with his eye roll/flutter): Umm, aren't you going to ask him about going to the bathroom?" (Yay, bladder!)
ME: Oh, yeah, how could I forget?
ANJ: Cause you were too busy thinkin about sex.
 ME: What?! You're the one all worried about it.
DOCTOR: Him and every other man that comes in.

Really? Anj totally threw me under the bus. Made a funny at my expense. In the doctor's office. That's what I get. I'ma let y'all guess ... who is most concerned with when it's okay to have sex again? ...... Right.

I warned Anj that I would blog about this: (Can you even take screenshots on droids? If so, I need to be schooled. In the meantime, I present: a real picture with a real camera)

Seriously.

Anywayz.

Part 2. 
Facebook awesomes for today:

1) A dear sweet friend of mine that I haven't seen in ages sent me a message after reading about my surgery. She said that she read my post last week, but just wasn't sure what to say. She of course mentioned that she was sorry to hear, and wished me well and said many positive, encouraging things regarding the situation. But this part melted my heart, and filled me up with snuggles:

I know we drifted apart but you were/are a very special friend to me. You showed me how to be confident, trust myself, BE myself and I will never forget. I was so shy and you really helped me grow into my self more and that is some thing I will always cherish.

Although this friend was a huge part of my life when we were younger, I'd never really realized how much we helped each other in a yucky time. God gives us what and who we need when we need it. If you have a friend going through a hard time (or even if they're not), you can never go wrong in letting them know what their friendship means to you - even if it's not the kind of friendship where you see or talk to each other often.

2) Another friend of mine posted this as her thought for the day, and I thought it was spot on:

Thought for Thursday--Life isn't fair, but it's still good. Your job won't take care of you when you're sick; your friends and parents will: stay in touch. You don't have to win every argument; agree to disagree. Make peace with your past so you don't screw up your present. Don't compare your life to others'; you have no idea what their journey is all about. Over prepare and then go with the flow. Be eccentric now; don't wait for old age to wear purple. Your children only get one childhood. If we threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's we'd grab ours back. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Tis true, frands! Seems like somebody else's grass is always greener, but you can rest assured they been through some shit too. I love this here bloggy because it's mine and I can just dump my brain out here for the most part. My entry about what happened was mostly a soul-cleansing brain dump. I've read that post 15 times myself, until I sort of become numb to it. It is what it is and what resulted is that I'm ready to go forward. I also feel so much more alive because real shit brings real emotions and real reactions from people who care. Every now and then something happens and you feel really deeply, and you also get really close to God, if you're lucky.

Good comes from everything if you look for it!

Welp, shugs. That's all for today.

Deuces.

Life.

Do you know the first day of your last menstrual period?

You get used to answering this a million times.

When your voice is shaking on the phone to make your first appointment - set for around 7 weeks.

When you call back around week 5 because you had some pain and some spotting.

When you call the weekend on-call number around 7 weeks because you had more pain and more spotting, this time, heavier, with tissue.

Hanging up the phone, and feeling joy because "it doesn't sound like anything to panic about in the first trimester". Then, 30 minutes later, bawling - for the 100th time in the longest 5 weeks of your life because you know that something just is not right.

Finally, appointment day. This day had been prayed over a million and one times. Please, God. Take care of my baby. Take care of me. Take care of my husband. Take care of us. Let us be able to handle whatever it is. I know your plans are best, even when I don't understand them. But, of course, I am secretly longing for God's plans to be my plans. The baby is just fine, I am just fine, everything is just fine.

Hours of googling, sending husband to pharmacy at random hours. It's probably constipation pains. Maybe it's something I ate. Is this safe to take? I've never been in this much pain in my life.

But wait. I do feel better now. Maybe I am okay after all. Yeah, it was probably nothing.

Exhaustion.

By the time the appointment rolled around. I was ready - or as ready as I would ever be. Ready for God to take this child from me if that's what needed to happen. I felt trapped in my own body. Trapped in my own mind. Helpless. I cannot make the bleeding stop. I don't know why I'm hurting. But my levels are going up. I'm so confused.

But that's the thing. When you feel like that, you know. You've done all you can. It was in the Good Lord's hands from the beginning. Period.

So, when the sonogram via my belly revealed that my uterus was empty. We tried to take a look vaginally. Nope. Nothing in there - just a shooting pain to my left ovary.

Again.

"Honey, I have a bad suspicion that this is ectopic."

I just sat there, staring at the screen. Andrew was holding my hand. I felt devastated. And relieved at the same time. I just wanted to escape it. I wanted to just do what I needed to do to fix it, and start over. Later.

Anj is ever the optimist. One of the zillions of reasons why I married him. "We'll get 'em next time."

"I know. We will." I said it, and was trying really hard to fully believe it.

We left the sonogram room and went to the exam room to wait for the doctor. "First of all, let me say that I am so sorry that this is happening." The rest was a blur of a conversation about how this was not my fault. It wasn't my diabetes. (Which has been nearly perfect the whole pregnancy. How ironic that I thought that would be the concern!) It wasn't my thyroid, which is borderline hypo, and the reason I got on low dose thyroid hormone the day after I had a postive test. It was nothing I did or didn't do.

I knew this, and I believed the doctor. This was my one comfort. God is the only one who knows the whys. He is ultimately in control of every single thing on this planet. If I didn't believe this, I would have given up hope on many, many things a long, long time ago.


Am I mad at God?

Absolutely not.

Do I wish I could text Him and ask Him if everything is going to work out in the long run?

Totally.

But, that's where faith and trust come in.

The doctor explained that surgery would be needed in the next few hours. My stomach felt sick because we hadn't told anyone. Not even our mothers. I wanted to be the ever cautious, meticulous control freak that I am, and make sure everything was super and A-okay before doing a big, happy, cutesy reveal at precisely 13 wks.

Welp, what ended up happening was my husband calling my mother to tell her that we went to the gyno with a positive pregnancy test, found out it was ectopic, and I would be in surgery in the next few hours.

*screech*

At this point, I have let out one good cry, over the loss of the thought of my child. For me, the baby didn't feel like "our child" yet. I'm sure this is different for every woman. I was terrified to fall in love with this child because I had horrifying fears through the majority of the pregnancy that something was wrong. Every woman is entitled to her emotions, of which she has no real control over anyway. If I did, I would think logically, relying on the positive words and encouragement of my doctor alone, and calculate exactly how much time should go by before medical data suggests we should try again.

Guess what. Those are nice guidelines. But, God is in control of this. I know that He will give us a child if and exactly when He sees fit. And this is fine with me.


Do I wallow and cry? Yes. Right after feeling all encouraged and grateful that I didn't have a ruptured tube and bleed to death.

The thing no one tells you about pregnancy is that from the very moment you know, and for me, I knew before the test told me so, you feel different. For me, I felt like a mother right away. I felt like God had given me something to take care of, and I was willing to feel or endure whatever I had to in order to take care of this child. But, God decided this wasn't the one. This wasn't the time.

We waited in the exam room with a box of Kleenex while my ovary throbbed and the nurse called the hospital over and over trying to get me admitted. Then, the doctor called them back and asked for a manager to get me pushed through quickly because I was diabetic and I would not be able to eat or drink before or several hours after. Not to mention that we didn't know if the tube had ruptured or not at this point.

My sweet husband just sat there, holding my hand. Asking me what I needed from home, reassuring me that he would be right back to the hospital as fast as he could. Telling me that he would call my mom for me. I felt like I should tell her myself, but I just couldn't get through it without an inaudible meltdown. Thank God for him.

This is what makes husbands blessings. They just pick up where your mind and energy has abandoned you. They just do it for you. When you can't think and you don't know.

Off we went.

Admittance.

Trying, with no success at first (thank you dehydrated veins) to find a good vein for the IV. Blood draws. Weight. Blood sugar. Blood Pressure. times 5. Here's your gown. Here's some antacid and anti-nausea. I started to feel like hell. And panicked because I was just there. In the room. Without Anj. I knew he would be right back - he wanted to go now, and be at the hospital when they took me back in case something happened. I was watching Carrie Underwood's story on VH1 or something and praying to God that they would just hurry up and come get me. I wanted to be done.

 Ready to go?

Anj arrived back with our things in time to walk me down and kiss me good luck. The nurse anesthetist made jokes, gave me the good stuff. We turned the corner, the lights looked bright, and in what seemed like 30 minutes later, I was out of surgery.

Except really, it was 4 hours. The surgery itself did not take 4 hours. This includes recovery/observation. PS - they wanted to give me 15 units of insulin to correct a blood sugar of 289 as I was waking up. My first slurred, half conscious words were, "No. That's way too much. I'll go into a coma. Can I please have my pump back?" Thank sweet Jesus the nurses agreed that whoever suggested that was nuts and just let me in my half drugged state hook my pump back up and deal with it myself.

I was being wheeled down the hallway, trying as hard as I could to keep my eyes open. There was my mama. (Damn, she must've done 120 all the way here! What's that? Four hours have gone by? Oh.) There was my sweet Anj.

The next part was a blur. I remember putting my pump back on. In my muffin top, toward my back side. My stomach looked like a beach ball and it was tight and bright orange. What the hell had happened? I had no idea and didn't really care.

I woke up a couple times in the night to check my blood and make sure it was going down. It was. Good. They kept coming in to take my vitals. They were good. Check. Blood count was good. Check. They wanted me to try to pee, so, at 2am, I felt the urge to call the nurse to come help me pee. My bladder didn't feel full. I don't know why I was trying to pee. Anyway, this little blonde came in. She looked scared to death to be a nurse - like I would have looked if I had gone through with nursing. (Yikes.) She sat me up, helped me to dangle my feet off the edge of the bed, stood me up, and started to walk me to the bathroom.

When I woke up, I was laying sideways on the bed, and now there were three nurses, lifting me back into my original position in the bed. "We'll try that again around 5am, mmk, honey?"

They left, the room was dark. All was quiet. Anj was snuggled in his stiff ass, uncomfortable and super squeaky recliner, and he chuckled to himself and said, "Pass the fuck out. hahaha"

I started to laugh and I could have smacked him it hurt my guts so bad to laugh. But, the laughter was good. Asshole. :) Love you!

A few vital checks, nausea waves and lucid whack ass dreams later, the older nurse who knew what the hell she was doing comes in and sits me up in bed. "This time, we gone let you sit up a bit and give your blood pressure some time to adjust before we take a walk across the room. :) " Yeah. That sounds smart, I decided. An hour and a half later, we turned me sideways and let my legs dangle off the bed for a minute or so. Then, two nurses stood me up.

Every. single. step. was. a. work. out. You okay? Don't close your eyes! Don't look down! Take deep breaths! Nope! Don't look down! Don't close your eyes! Open your eyes! Look up here! You okay?

Finally - we make it to the toilet.

How in the Lord's name am I going to look down long enough to lower myself onto that toilet? This is an impossible task, I thought.

I made it, with lots of black clouds floating around.

You okay? Don't close your eyes! Don't look down! Take deep breaths! Nope! Don't look down! Don't close your eyes! Open your eyes! Look up here! You okay?

Nope. (I seriously kept tellin her I was not, in fact, okay.) Next thing I know, I'm sniffin ammonia while two nurses and Anj Davis hold me up. BETH! BETH! BETH!

"What?!" I snapped. Damn, I'm right here, no need to yell!

I really did try to keep my eyes open, y'all, I swear!

Sooooo, after some chicken broth, sugar free jello, shit tons of Diet Coke, Diet Ginger Ale, eggs, sausage, strawberries and grapes, I started to feel a little more stable, and slowly was able to pee on my own, with an assistant. :) Yay!

This also meant the anesthesia was wearing off and I was ready for some pills.

It is mind blowing what that man did with three tiny incisions. Absolutley amazing. The tube had not ruptured, but they did have to take part of the left one. Both ovaries are in tact, and "the future looks very bright for you".

I can say this: The Lord is good. I could have died. I love every single doctor, nurse, nurse anesthetist, anesthesiologist, nutritionist, and custodian I came in contact with through this whole ordeal. WHAT A BLESSING. I am seriously going to send them a card. Especially the surgeon, my regular gyno, his nurse, and Melissa, my nurse at the hospital. (Is this an awards speech or what? :) )

I basically went home very very thankful and feeling very very blessed to be alive and to have been under the care of people who clearly knew what they were doing. I never once feared the surgery itself.

The next morning, a wave of depression hit. When I allowed myself to think the worst. What if it's ectopic again next time?

What if there's something wrong with the other tube? (Even though the doctor said it's healthy.)

What if I just can't conceive again, period?

What if?

What if?

What if?

Then I tell myself, the Lord is bigger than all that, and your faith should be too. Everyone's story has a different ending, and God has His reasons for all those endings.

But, for now, I am trying very, very hard to think positive. The doctors have given me no reason not to. My God has shown me miracles more than once in this life of mine, my friends. Yes, He has.

Next time, because I do believe there will be a next time, I will share my news earlier. I will allow Andrew and I to be more supported by those who love us. Pain is part of life. I want them to share in our experiences, even when they aren't happy ones. When you have your first tiny glimpse into motherhood, you have a new connection and a new respect for your own mother, your grandmother, your aunts, your mother in law, all mothers. These little glimpses of love in yucky times are gifts from God as well. I feel so much closer to my mother since just day before yesterday when this all started. What a gift. And, you've still gotta find the humor. Even if it involves a bloody panty liner, a gas station, and a dirty old man. Forgive me. Maybe he wasn't dirty. But, the thought that he might've been made us laugh, which was much needed.  I'm sure you've already heard enough about the bloody panty liner, so I will give you a prize by not telling the story in detail.

I also wanted to write this post to hopefully make at least one person feel better by knowing that you aren't the only one. And to tell y'all that without my God, I would NOT be able to deal.

To those who have texted, called, emailed, sent messages,

THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SOUL FOR YOUR PRAYERS. I know I personally, never know what to say in situations like these. The thing I need right now, is your prayers, for healing and for positive thinking, and that Andrew and I never forget that the good Lord above HAS A PLAN.

And it is a perfect one.

I have seen in a few short days how much we are loved.

WHAT A BLESSING.

I had a wonderful conversation with my brother. That meant the world to me. My mother came to see us as soon as she knew. Others respected our wishes by being with us in prayer, and sent positive texts, messages, cards, etc.

I can say that never once in my life has the good Lord EVER given me something painful to deal with and not given me an abundance of love and support in the form of friends and family. He has NEVER ONCE abandoned me.

I feel that He is closer to me now than ever. If this painful situation brings me closer to Him, and strengthens my relationship with my husband, and our relationship with those we love, then that is a blessing. I also feel that our marriage is even more solid than it was last month. I know my husband is there for me. He is my #1 and I am his. I have always prayed for God to give us a solid foundation, and He is, my friends. My husband is my soul.

So, in closing, we have been through a roller coaster of emotions, from the highest highs when we found out we were expecting, to the depths of despair and anxiety in the unknown, to the devastation of losing this baby, the profound gratitude that my own life was spared and I didn't have more damage than I did.

Our God is a powerful God. He is bigger than ANY circumstance. He ALWAYS knows what He's doing, and only works for the good of those who love Him. We have to remember that our "good" and His may not always look the same, but the difference is, only He knows what lies around the corner. Only He knows what alternative outcome we are being protected from. If you are in despair, whether you are struggling with fertility issues or something different altogether, take it to the Lord in prayer.

Alan Jackson's Precious Memories CD has been invaluable to me during this time. God made us. He knows what we need when we quite frankly, have no idea. I am working very hard and praying very hard for Him to give me the grace to trust Him more and more everyday.

I will never be the same after this experience, but if we don't grow and change, then what is the point of living?

Thank you all again! We cannot thank you enough for your continued prayers. I go to the doctor next week for a post-op follow up visit.

God has a plan.

xo

(Too tired to edit this, so if things don't make sense, let's blame tiredness and pain killers, k? Word.)

*please check out the ectopic pregnancy label for more recent posts on this topic