29 March 2012

Eff you, diabeetus. Thanks for comin out.

As I sit here trying to type through the blur of my tears, I don't know if I will publish this one or not. Usually, I'm pretty good, I block out statistics, like the fact that diabetes kills more people a year than breast cancer and AIDS combined. Or that 2 out of 3 diabetics will die from heart disease or stroke. I try not to think too hard when I read posts like this, where the reality hits that diabetics have more miscarriages, and still births. And the cost of "living" with this shit? Ha. All week, I've been waking up to treat yet another low, and I can't go back to sleep because I can't stop thinking about whether my doctor can convince my insurance company to pay for my damn strips. And if she can convince them, how fast? Because I only have 3 bottles left. Panic. BECAUSE THEY THINK I CHECK MY BLOOD TOO OFTEN! I could strangle someone! PS - Obama, so far your magical little plan ain't done very much for me, shug. But I know you're not worried because you make 6 figures a year and don't have these concerns.

But wait - I try to be optimistic. I try to keep telling myself, "it" won't happen to me, because I try. "It" being dying early, not having a healthy pregnancy, or kids at all, or having my husband monitor me 24-7 like an invalid because I can't tell anymore if my blood sugar is low or not, feeling like I'm 75 when I'm 50. Or maybe I won't be able to see, or maybe I'll be missing a leg, or have kidney failure. SCREW YOU DIABETES!! I try hard everyday. I AM A SLAVE TO THIS SHIT. I am not a whiner. And I do the best I can. I have "good control" compared to others. But, I don't do well with being "compared to others". What pisses me off is when I do everything I am supposed to do, and the diabetes cheats. It doesn't hold up its end of the deal. What did I ever do to you, diabeetus? You whore.

So yes, every once in a while, diabetes wins. I can't take one more stressful thought or feeling of not being in control and not being "normal". If I could just have ONE FRIGGIN DAY where I could eat what I want, when I want, and not hear the nagging beeping of being out of control, and thereby thinking about the damage it's doing to my organs. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! And a cure? I wish they would just STFU. They've been saying a cure is right around the corner AT LEAST since 1988. Bullshit. Bite me. And guess what? When they do come up with a cure? HOW MUCH WILL THAT COST? My guess is insurance companies will be reluctant to cover it until it's been out for 10 years. Super.

I was going to go for a walk to ease my stress, because feeling like this CAUSES MY BLOOD SUGARS TO BE OUT OF BALANCE. Even more so depending on what flippin time of the month it is - yay! And - whether or not I eat gluten to eff things up even more, but we won't go there today. Anywayyyyy ... the walk - can't go yet because MY BLOOD IS TOO DAMN LOW. I have to wait. And wait. And wait.

Rant over.

For now. Hopefully the next one won't hit anytime soon. Please say a prayer. Thanks to all who love and support me and listen to me bitch. :/



Lindsay @ Delighted Momma said...

Yes fuck diabetes! I could not agree more with this post. It's a pain in the ass and I also wish I could just go to the bagel shop down the street like a normal person and eat a giant cream cheese loaded bagel with a giant full sugar hot chocolate. But I can't bc it would send my blood sugars into a crazy high and then I would drop bc I did too much insulin. So i don't. I also wish I could enjoy my pregnancy and be normal and not have to go to the dr every other day for something! Venting feels good :) you can do it though girl! Keep it up! I might do an FU diabetes post like you ;)

Anonymous said...

Because you check your blood levels too often? THat's fricken psycho!!!


Emmett Katherine said...

ahh this is such a shitty situation to be dealing with. I hope your insurance company works things out soon, in your favour.