27 March 2012

bubbles - a reflection on baseball

Bubbles - as in butts and gum.

Last night, after a day of driving, napping in my car, driving, and more driving, I arrived home to find my husband watching baseball. I thought to myself, thank God that no matter what time of year, there is some sport on TV to obsessively follow. And, one season begins before another ends, so there is no overlapping. If you are really lucky, there is a Nascar race on, a golf tournament, and a basketball championship game. And, even though you only really pull for one team, you can watch ALL the teams in the nation around the clock so you are always in the know. (I will let you decide if I am being sarcastic or not.)

But - as I lay on the couch, snuggling with my husband watching State play Carolina in baseball on mute, I pondered, and realized that baseball players are all about some attention to detail, and doing the little things that make them feel safe. Makes all the difference in the world, no?

Below is a compilation of said "details" as well as some shit I noticed and was like, "Say what, now? Is this really necessary?"

1) If you are at bat, and not quiiite ready to swing, you can bend over, bounce on your knees a little bit, as though there were a corncob stuck up your ass, and then - suddenly - step out of the batter's box because your batting gloves don't feel quite right. Then, after a proper adjustment, step back into the batter's box and go through your pee pee dance all over again while the camera and the whole crowd are watching you.

2) To be a good baseball player and dedicate the proper amount of attention to your game, you must be chewin and spittin 24-8. Nuts, gum, dip if you are pro. Gross. I wonder - is there a giant bucket of bubble gum in the locker room, or in the dugout? Or sunflower seeds? Do they like the kind that don't have shells, or does that completely defeat the purpose? Because then, if you can't spit the shell out, well hell, you are just a dumbass eatin sunflower seeds, am I right? And who provides them? The coach? The ball park? Or, are the players personally responsible? What happens if there is no gum, and no seeds? Will there be a revolt? Do the coaches cut the players some slack if it is the coaches' fault that the players don't have something to suck and slob on?

3) If you are any type of player who's worth a damn, you are rockin at least one chain. Preferrably two. Giant cross charm? Even better. But - are these status symbols? Are you allowed to come in all blinged out if you are just a freshman? Or you just joined the team?

4) Baseball players and coaches wear some cray, loud, florescent colored, reflective-lense, 80's throwback sunglasses. They look like little aliens. Remind me of my dad - who never wears sunglasses - unless he is at the beach or drivin a boat. Orangey pink lenses just a flashin.

5) A lot of neck poppin. Pitch a ball, crack your neck. Pitch a ball, crack your neck.

6) I'm surprised those pitchers can walk. Have you paid attention to how their legs fly up/out/curve quickly and violently when they release a pitch? Hello, torn groin.

7) I prefer tight, thigh hugging, stirrup pants with some knee socks over those long, ankle-length loose ass pants. Yuck. Baseball is boring as hell. Please at least give us something to look at.


8) All baseball players look better under the mysterious shade of the bill of a baseball cap, no? Take that hat off, ehhh - not so much.

9) What physical exercise/practice exists to create the baseball players' notorious bubble butts? Seriously - this is a real question. How does it happen?

10) Did patting your teammate's ass originate in baseball? Seems to happen pretty frequent like.


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