04 April 2012
three years as the Missus
I can't believe it's been three years. So much has happened in these three years, but I still feel magical and bubbly when it comes to Anj Davis. I thank God everyday because I know we are blessed. But not perfect. Takes prayer, love and patience.
When we got engaged, I prayed for God to make our marriage solid. For us to put God first, then each other and our marriage. He has done just that. And some of it's been challenging. But, I do. I value and love my husband more now than I did three years ago when I married him. I love him in a different way. In a more solid and real way.
In my opinion, anyone who says marriage doesn't make things different is either lying or has their priorities out of order. We dated for four years before getting married, and I thought, how different can it be? We know each other so well, and have already been through a good bit. Wrong. It's not that the people in the marriage morph into someone else. But, you have made promises to God about what you will do and who you will be in your marriage. And it's not something to take lightly. God always knows what's on your heart. And I think He expects you to keep your promises and to give it your all.
For me, it was an adjustment to see Andrew as my first of kin. My other half. That's what I told God he would be to me, and I meant it. But, I had to learn how to do that, and exactly what that meant. It's weird to spend your whole life (especially as a girl) thinking of Mama and your family you grew up with as your world, and then when you get married, they are no longer your "first of kin". But it's something I grew into. And I don't love my mama, or any of the rest of my family any less. But my heart grew, and my husband comes first in all of my decisions. His opinion counts first. His needs are my job. And that's more than okay with me. And it's a two way street. We are each other's family and put each other first (after God) - before everyone and everything else in this life. There will always be people on the outside looking in, thinking you did the wrong thing. Even people who love you and want what's best for you and your marriage might judge. But you have to pray about it, consciously put your spouse first, and trust your instincts.
It's weird to not just make a decision - but to consult (and want to consult) your spouse first. And other people may not love that decision. But, frankly, it's not up to them.
I think that it's important to find the balance in your relationship. Not every marriage is gonna work the same way. Who does the cooking, the cleaning, the money managing, the childcare ... or whatever balance of such responsibilities you and your spouse decide. What matters is that both people feel respected and supported. It's not so much, "this is your job and this is my job", but rather, "this is how we divide things, and this is how we like it, even if other couples don't do it this way."
There are a couple things, however that I think benefit all relationships, no matter what:
1) Pray about everything and pray for your spouse daily. Sometimes, you and your spouse just aren't going to agree on something. And maybe, neither of you even knows what's best. You've analyzed it until it doesn't even make sense. Stop arguing with your spouse. Stop analyzing. Pray about it instead. And pray for them. And truly, stop and think, Am I being selfish? Or am I thinking about what's best for us and our marriage?
2) Remember, your spouse is the other half of you. That's how God sees it. And seeing it this way helps tremendously when your spouse does something that makes you angry, or that you don't understand. How you treat your spouse, is how you treat your relationship, which will directly affect you in the long run. Don't kill something that you may never find again. If it's important to your spouse, especially if it bothers them, then it should be important to you too - even if you don't understand it. Maybe your spouse gets really stressed about money. So, don't do shit to add to the problem, like making purchases that you know aren't really necessary. Talk about it. Set up a budget so that there's some grounds, and some leeway for spending, and your spouse feels like y'all are on the same team now. Or, if your spouse hates that you spend so much time away from home/hanging out with so-and-so, WHATEVER it is. Take time to discuss it. Don't let it grow bigger and bigger just because you think their fear/dislike is unfounded.
3) NEVER say things to belittle or insult your spouse, period. Even when your spouse is not around. But - ESPECIALLY in front of other people. EVER. If you have an issue with something they did, voice your feelings, but don't take stabs at them as a person. This includes making fun of how he did a shitty job fixing the sink, or how you asked him to do something "simple", but he did "blah, blah, blah" instead. He is not a child. And you talking disrespectfully about him to other people makes you look like a bitch. Period. So don't. It's hard to clean up the mess your mouth makes.
4) Choose your battles. If he did/does something that truly hurts/disrespects you, say something. But ... if he didn't fold the towels the way you like, or if she don't make biscuits the way your mama does it. Get over it, playah. Suck it up. Guess what? You didn't marry ya mama/daddy. Overall, is it worth nagging him about? Maybe you can do it ya damn self, know what I'm sayin? Your spouse loves you. And comes home to you every night. And chose you to marry. Focus on the positives, sugar.
5) Be thankful. Let your shug pie know you appreciate and love him and that you think he's a hottie. He will appreciate it, and want to make sure you keep on feelin' that way.
OBVIOUSLY these all apply to both spouses, mmmk?
And that's Big Mama Shug's top 5 for now. I'm not perfect. Neither is Anj. And I'm certain we both still have tons to learn. But we are blessed. And thankful. And show each other how much we are glad the other is here. :)
Mrs. Anj Davis