19 June 2012

cause i didnt want to, thats why.

Today I had an endocrinology appointment, and then acupuncture right after. I love appointments because they keep me in check. Keep me making healthy choices instead of crappy ones. And this includes more than just vitamins and exercise. I think we forget that our well-being in general is greatly affected by stress - some of which we can control.

My endocrinologist is priceless because I trust her, and she is highly educated, and dedicated to her job. She is also an analytical perfectionist, which is why she is good at her job. I appreciate that she appears to care about me, BUT I don't care if she is good at what she does because she really cares about me, or because she cares about perfecting my basal and bolus rates because imperfection bothers her and she takes it personally. The end result is the same. Maybe that's what makes a good doctor. Being able to keep it impersonal to a degree. Otherwise, I imagine she would be beyond frustrated with diabetics who could give two shits and do absolutely NONE of what she says.

Recently, in a conversation with my boss, I said, "You know me. I will analyze it, and find something to worry over because I am a psycho perfectionist." She said, "You are, and that's why you are good at what you do. But, once you've made your decision and done your best, you have to leave it at that and focus on the positive." Woman is wise.

I got to thinking about all this perfectionism while I was at acupuncture today. Why do we do it? (Some people don't. And, I envy them.) There are theories out there that say oldest children are more likely to be perfectionists. In some cultures, perfectionism is encouraged and any sort of failure is major.

When I say perfectionist, I mean, to a fault. Not in a cute, "Oh, I'm such a perfectionist, hahaha" way. Perfectionist as in, stressed out, which causes sleep problems, digestion problems, hormonal problems, problems with metabolism and energy, etc, etc, etc. In our culture, we often just accept that stress is part of life, and just keep on keepin on - causing more stress and strain, but just accepting that it is "normal".

For me, my unrealistic goals of perfection are my own creation. Sort of - because some people know when to say "no" and when to draw the line and leave work at work, or drama at so-and-so's house or whatever. Then, there are those of us who like to get involved and try to fix it.

It has taken me a long time to realize that it is impossible to be seen as doing a great job in EVERY person's eyes. IM.POSS.I.BLE. impossible. And, that some people are the way they are and they always will be. You will never make them happy, and the best thing to do is quit trying. What a waste of energy.

I feel truly blessed to have friends of all ages. Friends who are barely out of high school. Friends graduating from college. Friends my own age. Women who have kids in high school and college. And women who have grandkids in high school and college. And guys. One thing I'm working on NOT being: a "yes, yes, yes-er".

There will be a line drawn, friends. Stress and being run ragged is not worth your health. I will not go to every event I'm invited to. If you don't like me as a result, good luck and good riddance and I hope you seek the therapy you need. I will not have kids and force them to participate in a bunch of shit for me - or, because everyone else's kids are doing it. I will not model for them that life means being in overdrive all the time. Sometimes my "excuse" is that I was tired and just wanted to enjoy my morning/afternoon/evening/weekend/whatever in peace. The end. That's it.

I think most of us forget to take time to regroup. If I want or need 9 hours of sleep, then I want or need 9 hours. If I am sick and I want to rest, get over it. If I have raging PMS and I just don't want to be around people, get over it. You should be glad anyhoo.

I don't think it's selfish to take time for you. And, I think women, especially, find this extremely difficult and feel guilty about it more so than men.

But, I'm working hard not to be sucked in. Life's too short to be surrounded by people that get on my damn nerves and be in attendance at a bunch of shit when I could be doing something I enjoy.

That is all for now. Happy Tuesday.


Tracy said...


Ashley said...

This is exactly what I needed! Believe it or not, I've recently begun saying "No" to a few events. It feels bad initially but it feels so good to have my own time!! So glad God blessed me with you in my life :) XOXO