15 April 2013

did you just call me childless?

so, i've sort of done a 180, since october (of last year). we got pregnant fairly quickly, then found out it was ectopic at 8 weeks, and i had a surgery to remove the pregnancy and my left fallopian tube.
there was no explanation for it, it just happened. but, doctors said everything about me still looked good, and they felt very confident that they'd see me again soon, with a healthy pregnancy.

for the first two months, i was afraid to try again just because i was freaked out about what all my body had gone through.
then, we went back to counting days, stalking my blood sugars, watching everything i ate and drank. i say we, but really it was just me. my husband never put the pressure on me, i did that to myself.

meanwhile, i unfollowed a lot of people on facebook because i was sick of seeing pictures of every time their kid ate a cheerio. i felt like a bitch, but it was what i did to keep myself from being the even more disgusting, pathetic, feeling-sorry-for-myself version of myself that i hated even more that the bitter bitch version of myself.

after losing our baby, i learned of two other couples who were pregnant, and i felt pouty and whiny and jealous. it was weird because while i wasn't mad at God, and i wasn't really even mad at them, i wanted to be mad at something.

my feelings of jealousy turned into feelings of guilt and sorrow, because like ours, those pregnancies did not go as planned.

now ...

i don't know exactly what i feel.

i feel grateful that the Lord only gave me what He knew i could handle.
i feel exhausted - from hearing about babies, seeing babies, thinking of babies, and being asked about babies.
{no disrespect to those who have checked on us, we do appreciate it!}

i'm beginning to feel like actually getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy for 9 whole months is about as likely as winning the fucking lottery.
i'm sure that sounds nuts to those of you out there who have kids, and especially to those who had them by accident, or on the first try. and to those of you who wonder what's so difficult about getting knocked up and bringing a baby to term. and those of you who bitch and complain about how annoying your kids are all the time.
i want to slap the ever living shit out of people who make careless, thoughtles comments about how childless people don't get it.
or when people who talk to you about how you need to have tons of kids, when they know you lost one already. like, wtf do they think we are doing? not having sex? that we have no idea where babies come from? that we are intentionally waiting until we are 50 to start trying?
welp, they'd be right about that - childless people don't get it because THEY DON'T HAVE A CHILD.

i can imagine that having a kid, much less more than one will drive you ape. the shit looks exhausting. and, i'm 100% certain that it is. and one day, if we are so blessed to have a child, i will be tired as hell too, and i will probably wish somebody would babysit my kids so i can drink a beer in peace. so sue me.
honestly, i am torn between the perfectionist in me being mad because my body "couldn't handle it". it bailed on me. just screwed me over ...
and on the other hand, i'm thinking, "oh my God, we are never going to be "ready" for this. i'm too selfish. i'm not bringing my kid a special version of everything everywhere we go because i've taught them that they can have it. i'm not going to be nice to people when they deliberately do the opposite to/for my child than what the hell i just got out of my mouth. i'm not taking on a bunch of random clubs and shit i don't want to do because all the other moms are doing it. maybe all this makes me a bad mother. maybe God thinks i am too much of a bitch to be responsible for raising a child."

i feel fine.
i feel totally fine.
to the point that i don't even want to think about the word 'baby'.
i want to drink beer.
i want to drink diet mt. dew.
i want to sleep late.
i want time with my husband.
i know when a baby comes we will never be alone again, whether our child is physically with us in our home or not. 

i can literally name 15 people that i know personally who have recently suffered a loss, or took forever and a day to get pregnant, and quite frankly, it just seems like, why bother to be anal about it and be super careful? it doesn't get you anywhere. what the hell is in the water? i seriously feel like all these older people from generations before think us childless folks are crazy because they had like 5 kids.
well, if y'all figure it out, let us childless folks in on the secret.

all of these thoughts have me pissed off and on the verge of tears at the same time.
but, i'm not going to cry, because what good will that do?
and more importantly, our tub is still dripping, and i don't want to be in tears when the stupid plumbers come back AGAIN.

the biggest bitch of all, is that i would swear to you that i am completely and 100% T-totally FINE.
i have seen others suffer much, much, worse.
but, it is what it is.
and i have been fine. really. almost like i dreamed the shit.
then, BAM! on some days, it just hits me.
i found a survey that the hospital sent me months ago, and i really wanted to fill it out because the nurses, doctors, and everybody at that hospital were absolutely amazing. a true blessing.
but, of course, as i'm filling it out, it all came flooding back, and here i am typing like a maniac.

so, if you happen to see me having a random meltdown at an inopportune place at an inopportune time,
get over it.

now, i'm off to check out of my own head and into my stephanie plum novels ...


Annabelle said...

Oh sweet Shug! Bless your heart! My best friend went through this same deal. She lost one of her tubes and has battled in her mind about the same exact issues about seeing others around you have kids, telling you stuff like "you don't know your not a parent" crap. It's so hard to hear her speak of these battles and I try to help her as best I can to sort through them. It's a hard thing for me to wrap around my own mind, I couldn't begin to image yours or her thoughts and how you deal with it everday. Because it is something you have to conquer everyday I'm sure. I pray y'all find peace and that God will bless you in all his ways!

Amanda @ The Barstows: Our Little House on the {West Texas} Prairie said...

I'm glad to read that you feel fine, even if your definition of fine doesn't match up to what others think is fine. I might have said it before, but I read all of your posts on your ectopic pregnancy the first time I found your blog. My mom is the most Pro-Life person I will ever know and when I grew up and had the guts to ask her if she had an abortion and asked if that was the reason why she was so pro-life? She told me that losing two kids through miscarriages were the most pain she has ever gone through so she couldn't imagine someone wanting to make the choice to lose a child. She is what a lot of people would call a Jesus freak, loves God with all of her heart, always used to embarrass me when dropping me off at school by saying "Jesus loves you Amanda!", is the crazy lady that is always smiling for no reason besides the fact that she knows she is going to Heaven, and she said that her faith in Christ is the only thing that got her through her time of losing children and that is what has made her who she is today. I apologize if that small novel bored you or was not what you wanted to hear. I don't have the answers as to why God has chosen this journey for you, I just know that HE knows what HE is doing and I will continue to pray that God gives you patience, peace, and strength.

SMD @ lifeaccordingtosteph said...

Big hugs to you Shug. xoxo

Southern Sass said...

Hugs! Love you Shug! If you ever need anything at all even just someone to say the word bitch to over and over you know how to get in touch with me. :)

Abigaylemae said...

Sendin' up a simple, but heartfelt prayer for you :O)

Lauren Crawford said...

Just saw this post... I love and I am feeling your pain. Reading your words made all of the memories and feelings come flooding back. It's easy for me to push those memories aside and focus on the biggest blessing of my life, but I always have my 3 babies in heaven in the back of my mind. God does know what He's doing and it's so hard for us to "Let go and let God" handle it because our human nature is to control. Just know I love you so much and I pray for you often. I can't wait to see what God has in store... it's gonna be EPIC, no, make that "magical." Love you shug and wish I could give you big ole Texas sized hug! :)
By the way, nothing you said makes you a bad mom! You're saying what all the other people are thinking. ;)