how to be an awesome spouse - 10 easy steps

1) when your shugpie is deep in sleep, shout out random things like, "TOO MUCH TURD TALK!" then yell, "WHAT?!" when they try to wake you from your madness

2) be sure to carry at least two, possibly three beverages on every road trip - even if it's only right down the road. make sure that they are all half open, but not gone, so that your shugpie can't justify throwing them away. fill up all the cup holders in the vehicle so that there is nowhere for your shugpie to put their phone. it's also a good idea to keep at least three half-consumed beverages open in the fridge so that they take up much-needed space.

3) drink too many adult beverages when already in a hormonal state. make sure to do it in public - either in a bar, or at someone's party. then when your spouse tries to comfort you and calm you down. flip your shit and cry like a lunatic.

4) when it's time for lunch, eat by the stove while you cook, so that your plate and your body are blocking the microwave. don't move to any other spot on the counter, because you need to be close to the pan where your tortillas are heating up - one at a time. your spouse can just heat their lunch in the microwave that you're blocking after you are done with your lunch. eating together is over-rated anyway.

5) find something on the tv that your spouse wants to watch. at first they won't even notice because usually you two don't have the same interests regarding tv time. then, when your shugpie gets good and interested, be sure to stand 2.5-3 feet in front of the tv so that your spouse can't see anything that's going on. be sure to yell loudly about every 28 seconds to emphasize that something awesome is being missed out on.

6) take tons and tons of photos of your spouse without their permission, because you think they are just the cutest widdle thing. then, post the photos on your blog.

7) when on long road trips, choose an indie rock station in which all of the songs involve extreme repetition and sounds that your spouse refers to as "racket". listen to approximately 9 or 10 of these songs in a row. flip shit when your spouse attempts to turn the station every 10 songs, because this song, like every song, is your favorite.

8) when on long road trips, plug in your ipod and choose loud, thuggish, gangsta songs, most of which your spouse never heard until meeting you. turn that shit up. LOUD. go psycho when your shugpie tries to turn the volume down.

9) at bedtime, before you crawl under the covers, and you notice that your spouse is visibly sweating - either because you can see it, or because they grab your hand and force you to touch the sweat, refuse to turn the air down. when your shugpie takes off downstairs to turn it down anyway, follow them, so you can monitor the situation.

10) when your shugpie plans a fun evening out for the two of you, per your request, stand in the closet, staring at all your clothes and whine about how you have nothing to wear because you are so fat and you feel ugly and you don't feel like fixing your hair or makeup. then fight tears because you feel fat and ugly. dream about being skinny and smokin hot. immediately after, down a hotdog, fries, and several beers.

 

11) laugh. at yourself. at your spouse. at what life hands you. squeeze your shugpie. tell em you love em, and that no matter what cards y'all are dealt, you wouldn't want to go through it with anybody else. praise God. never forget that your shugpie is a blessing that He picked out just for you, shug!