On the Real -

Well y'all, 

I woke up bright and early, had breakfast with my mom, and then hit the Raleigh Flea Market - one of my favorite places on earth. And, I was totally planning my blog post out and taking pictures to go with my post as I walked around the flea market and got some awesome bargains on some fabulous goodies. But, that - and the rest of my Texas recaps - will have to be another post.

Sometimes, you sort of need to check your "life pulse", you know? I've been thinking a lot lately about how "busy" I am - busy with a whole lot of what others may see as nothing, I guess. But, am I really busy? Or just mostly mentally exhausted? At least six hours a week to/from SC, WORRYING about my job and where it's going - am I where I should be? Did God mean for me to do something else? And since I am married, what about my husband? WORRYING - Am I being the kind of wife God wants me to be? WORRYING that all the bad decisions I make on a daily basis about exactly what I put into my body and do to/with my body are having a negative affect on my general health - my diabetes specifically. What about all those years when I was younger when I was just MAD at diabetes and decided that the diabetes could bite me - just decided I'd do whatever I damn well pleased. RESENTING the happiness of others to some extent - why can't I/we have that? I look at some people's lives and I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL THEY HAVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT. Healthy kids, spouse who loves them, family who loves them, plenty of money for all their needs - and steadily bitchin and whinin - about their life and everyone in it.

But, then, I realize, whatever the reality that they have in their own head, is in fact, their reality. If they THINK it's that bad, then I guess to them it is that bad, whether we understand it or not. Clearly, in their mind, their version of reasoning makes sense to them. Why would any person CHOOSE to portray misery, if it didn't seem real in their own head? Why would people choose to be mean and hurtful and insensitive and seemingly ungrateful? And if it's because they want attention - still - they clearly need some prayer for that aspect too - I pray that God will continue to check me before I get to the point of wanting/needing attention/love (or whatever) enough to behave in a way that is disrespectful/bitchy/hurtful to all those around me.

On the other hand, I have those in my life who make me strive to be a better Christian, who trust the Lord, and live the way the Lord asks us to - good, God-loving, patient, kind, selfless people - and despite how it may seem on the outside looking in -they don't have it all. Being Christian doesn't mean having the perfect life. And it's sort of numbing.

But - I am CHOOSING working really hard to CHOOSE to look at it this way (and, yes, I DO have to remind myself constantly)-- Thank you God, for snatchin me juuuust when I think it's time to feel sorry for little ole pitiful me. Instead, teach me to be thankful to you and to have a positive mindset and a grateful attitude and most importantly, for allowing me to know you. Never let me forget that there are others who have it worse than me and I should be trying to help and support them instead of wallowing in my own whine. (I fail at this a lot. It's something I'm working on EVERY SINGLE DAY). I want to work harder on living in THE MOMENT, and opening my eyes to all the beautiful things that God has put right in front of my face everyday. For God to show me my blessings when I am blind to them - because life makes it really easy to get pissed - at the situation and at God, if I'm being honest. And to STOP WORRYING ABOUT THE FUTURE AND STUFF I CANNOT CONTROL.

How BLESSED am I to have a WONDERFUL man who loves me and would do anything for me? A man who loves Jesus too? BLESSED to have a wonderful place to work - full of people who show up everyday to make a difference in this world. BLESSED to have family and friends who are there to comfort me and reassure me and tell me what I need to hear, and not always what I want to hear - because they care about me enough to look out for me and guide me and tell me the truth. BLESSED to live in a time when diabetes is at least very treatable, and awesome health care (and insurance) are right at my fingertips. BLESSED to have enough - enough to feed me, to clothe me, to put a roof over my head, and then money to spare to do things I enjoy - to not feel sorry for myself because other people have more, more, more. Will it - life - ever be perfect? Are we ever really caught up? Finished? Complete? Able to stop and take a time out from life? No.

But that's the thing. WE NEED TO NEED GOD. I'd rather be a diabetic with imperfect health and an imperfect living situation who knows and trusts Jesus than someone in perfect health with a "perfect" life who doesn't know Him at all. It's not about us being self-sufficient. Self-sufficient means God is too far out of the picture, and that's when we fall so that He can help us back up.

Lots of times, God does things in our lives we don't understand. I don't understand my life right now. BUT - I am thankful for that - because I know that's how He keeps me close. 

I am thankful that God keeps me in the circle of other Christian friends who remind me what's important and are a support to me - an extension of Him - a part of His body - because it's not about me.

 I hope that God will continue to show me how to have a servant's heart and be more completely trusting of Him. 

I'll leave you with three overly-quoted quotes, that I happen to love and truly believe. 

1) Everything happens for a reason - even if we NEVER know what God's reasons are

2) That which doesn't kill us does make us stronger - just take a second to think how much stronger you are as a person since enduring a hardship(s) - or even just from living life. 

3) Smile, even when people don't smile back. Everybody's got their cross to bear. 

I like to think of it like this: We all got a yard full of grass - and it's not that the neighbor's grass is greener, it's just that they have a different variety of grass than we do - and their grass might happen to look prettier on the surface. But, nobody's yard is perfect and in everybody's yard, God is workin beneath the surface, planting seeds that will produce fruit that we don't know anything about yet.

Happy Saturday night Sugar Bees!!

~ xo ~