01 September 2011

Do What Makes You Feel Good


I been thinkin - I've gotten up earlier, and had more exercise in three days than like, ever in my life thanks to lil Broham below.  I was also thinkin, how his precious little existence just brightens my day. Just me, Brady and the Pistol Annies, ridin along in Sylvia on the way to wherever the road may take us. And, clearly, he must enjoy his bone like I enjoy a Regular Coke:











After Brady was done devouring his bone, we went on one of our magical walks - where Brady pees on every plant, and sniffs every blade of grass and coaxes ALL the dogs in the neighborhood to flee from their yards and run after us so their owners can get some exercise by running after them like crazy people. But tonight's walk was even more magical than normal. It was a personal break-through.
Y'all ain't ever gone ba-lieve dis!

We were walkin along, and it's startin to get kinda dark - and I spot it. 

A nazz-tastic, little DIAMOND BACKED SNAKE. Whatttttttt theeeeeeeee fuuuuuuuuuuudge?!?!?!?!

Y'all. My heart was poundin! Scraight up! Y'all knowwwww how I been havin snake nightmares for the last 10 years (literally) - and have always been scared to death of a snake. Big or small. Black or white or purple. Whatev. Don't matta! Good snake = dead snake. Do y'all not remember that the devil was a serpent in the Bible?! Hellllo!!!! 

I thought - this is it. I can be a big ole pooh and run from him, or I can kick his little serpent arse. 

Which option do you think I took?
..............

........

....

I looked left. I looked right. Meanwhile, homeboy is just layin his nasty self all up in the road. Gah-ross! Some neighbors had a bunch of big honkin rocks in the ditch. So, natch, I grabbed one of those. 

and 

BAM!

BAM!

WHA-BAMMM!

AND BAM AGAIN! 

I decapitated his nasty sick self with a large rock. Then I bludgeoned the rest of him. And - I liked really, really, thoroughly enjoyed it. And I watched him open his disgusting little mouth to try and bite me the whole time. Sucker.

Meanwhile, dude runnin on the other side of the road prolly called the po-lice to come pick up the nut job in the middle of the street with her ipod, a black lab, and a great big ole rock.

I'm not quite up to my Aunt Sherry's snake killin skills, but this is a huuuuge step for me. I can't wait to tell my acupuncturist. She will be so proud.
And here's what I learned: 

1) Brady ain't NO kinda good at alerting you of snakes. He had NO CLUE I was murdering a snake RIGHT BEFORE his eyes. 

2) I shoulda carried my phone with me. Because, I shO did come back home to get my phone to take a pic of his dead ass and when I got back I couldn't find him. That's how sneaky he is. Blendin in thinkin he's all clever.

The post would've been soooo much better with a pic, I know, but I had traffic stopped and I just couldn't find him. Sorry. But, this is still a huge milestone for me. Aren't y'all proud?

Well, guess what? 

His head can kiss his ass good bye!

The end. 

You can learn about my Aunt Sherry's bomb snake killin skills and my snake nightmares here.

Sweet dreams!

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3 comments:

kiminnc said...

CA-RAZEEEEE!

Julie said...

Wow you are way braver than I am! I would have run as fast as I could the other way! But thank you for one less snake in this world!

Raven said...

EEEEEEEEK! NASTY. I HATE those kinds of snakes! And I SO wish you had a pic. But girl you are BRAVE! See, I have seen tons of snakes but have never killed one myself, so you are my hero!!