hope your weekend was as awesome as hers

via

thanks, j!

WHERE the hayullll is my wallet?!?!

Remember how I went to Wilmington recently with my meemaw?

Well, we got back on the Friday of Memorial Day weekend, and after driving back from Wilmington in her car, I was in a hurry to get my things out of her car and back into mine so I could drive back home to SC from her house without getting totally stuck in Memorial Day traffic. For the most part, it was a success. 

Until I got home and realized I didn't have my wallet.

My wallet that has all my credit cards.

My health insurance cards.

Me check book.

My cash.

My license.

My head was pounding so heard I couldn't see straight, y'all.

Visions of my precious Nine West wallet in some gas station restroom along 85 flooded my brain.

My stomach lurched.

I seriously thought I would vomit.

I am NOT good at staying calm.

"ANJ!!!! I don't have my wallet!!!!!!!!!!!!!" as I feel the chunks rising.

He's all calm and shit, "Well, where is it?"

What?!

I call my meemaw at 12:30 at night. Thankfully, she answers. I start rambling 90-miles-a-minute about my wallet and how my life is in there and how I'm going to actually die without it and some teenagers are probably booking their senior trip on it.

"Let me go check. I'll call you back."

Six hours later One minute later, phone rings. "I got it."

PRAISE THE SWEET AND HOLY LORD!!!

So, we decide that first thing Tuesday, after the Memorial Day holiday, she will go to the PO and overnight it, which comes with insurance, and she will stuff it in an inconspicuous box before she leaves the house so no one at the post office actually knows that my whole entire life a wallet is in there.

Cool. So, she did, she gives me the tracking number. It should arrive by noon on Wednesday.

..................................

Well, it didn't. So, at like 12:03, I log in to good ole usps.com, and see that it is "missent".

WTF?????? 

Further information indicates that it's been "misrouted, but not to worry, they know and they are fixing that shit" (in so many words).

I call, ready to flip my shit on somebody. I am not a calm person, remember? This is my life in my wallet and all. So, he's asking me if it's supposed to be in Such-and-such City, NC ... Umm, no, it's supposed to be in Such-and-such City, SC .... ???

(I love y'all, but some people creepy.)

So, a couple of the zip code digits have been transposed, which was the confusion. A lot of people have done that because my hometown's first several zip code digits are similar to my new one, but in a different order, of course.

Ok, cool. He explains that it'll be here the next day (Thursday) by noon. And, if it was the PO's fault for transposing the numbers on the paperwork, then my meemaw can get her money back that she paid to overnight the package.

 ..................................

Thursday, noon - no package

I log onto USPS. Shit was delivered to 1200 EXPRESS in my town, but at the wrong zip code, after it had been at my town's PO and in the correct zip code!!!!!!!

Y'all.

I was about to whoop somebody's asssssssss. 

I felt like I was gonna have a damn stroke. And with every extra minute I was on hold, I got more and more pissed.

I'm googling frantically. The damn address just does not exist.

Where in Sam Hill is my damn wallet?!?!

I can just see it. Some gum-smacking receptionist with long, curvy nails and too much lipstick opening my shit. "Omigyahhh, a wallet! Oh shit! Let's get online and buy a tannin' bed, y'all!"

I am bout half way between panic and severe anger.

Hubs comes home for lunch. Cool as a cucumber, as per usual.

Calm Cool Anj: "What's the big deal? That address is probably some sorting center or something."

Psycho Panic Me: "What is the big deal?!? Can you read?! This shit (the USPS site) clearly says, 'delivered'!!! It also says, 'Waiver of signature was exercised at time of delivery.' It also lists an address that does not even exist!! Do you know what that means? Some 15 year old is out there stealing my identity!"

So, off he goes to Google looking for this fictitious ass address, while I continue to fuuuuuume while I wait for some damn body to PICK UP THE PHONNNNNNNNE!!!!

Several minutes go by.

Calm Cool Anj: "Well, have you actually checked the mail?"

Psycho Panic Me:  "Of course not! I'm sure they'll leave it on the door step. There's no way that box will fit in there! {We have one of those metal boxes at the end of the street and everyone has individual keys for their address.} And besides, that address doesn't match anything. Our zip isn't 29907!!!"

 I watched him walk to the mailbox. My heart was pounding, Anj was walkin' in slow mo and everything ...

and then suddenly, as he was turning the key, I just knew that shit was in there.

Yep!

Sho as shit!

I guess the address was a description for the street box itself? Still no idea about the zip code. You'd think that the box's zipcode would be the same as our actual mailing address. Who gives a shit? All's well that ends well, right?

So, I sigh a HUGE sigh of relieve, thanking Jesus for getting me my wallet back, and apologizing for being a psycho.

Then, I look down at the package, embracing that thang like an infant, and realize that the street name was wrong too.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

It was similar, but a couple letters were swirled around.

Sooooooooo,

 the morals of the story are:

{1}

I am bat shit crazy as hell. I need to go back to acupuncture for my anxiety.

{2}

Jesus is the man, and despite two errors in the address, I got my wallet! BAM!

{3}

Uncle Herman was right again:

"90% of the things you worry about ain't eva gone happ'n. The other 10%, you can't do nothin' about. So, really, it ain't no point in worryin'."

True dat, Uncle Herman!

how to be an awesome spouse - 10 easy steps

1) when your shugpie is deep in sleep, shout out random things like, "TOO MUCH TURD TALK!" then yell, "WHAT?!" when they try to wake you from your madness

2) be sure to carry at least two, possibly three beverages on every road trip - even if it's only right down the road. make sure that they are all half open, but not gone, so that your shugpie can't justify throwing them away. fill up all the cup holders in the vehicle so that there is nowhere for your shugpie to put their phone. it's also a good idea to keep at least three half-consumed beverages open in the fridge so that they take up much-needed space.

3) drink too many adult beverages when already in a hormonal state. make sure to do it in public - either in a bar, or at someone's party. then when your spouse tries to comfort you and calm you down. flip your shit and cry like a lunatic.

4) when it's time for lunch, eat by the stove while you cook, so that your plate and your body are blocking the microwave. don't move to any other spot on the counter, because you need to be close to the pan where your tortillas are heating up - one at a time. your spouse can just heat their lunch in the microwave that you're blocking after you are done with your lunch. eating together is over-rated anyway.

5) find something on the tv that your spouse wants to watch. at first they won't even notice because usually you two don't have the same interests regarding tv time. then, when your shugpie gets good and interested, be sure to stand 2.5-3 feet in front of the tv so that your spouse can't see anything that's going on. be sure to yell loudly about every 28 seconds to emphasize that something awesome is being missed out on.

6) take tons and tons of photos of your spouse without their permission, because you think they are just the cutest widdle thing. then, post the photos on your blog.

7) when on long road trips, choose an indie rock station in which all of the songs involve extreme repetition and sounds that your spouse refers to as "racket". listen to approximately 9 or 10 of these songs in a row. flip shit when your spouse attempts to turn the station every 10 songs, because this song, like every song, is your favorite.

8) when on long road trips, plug in your ipod and choose loud, thuggish, gangsta songs, most of which your spouse never heard until meeting you. turn that shit up. LOUD. go psycho when your shugpie tries to turn the volume down.

9) at bedtime, before you crawl under the covers, and you notice that your spouse is visibly sweating - either because you can see it, or because they grab your hand and force you to touch the sweat, refuse to turn the air down. when your shugpie takes off downstairs to turn it down anyway, follow them, so you can monitor the situation.

10) when your shugpie plans a fun evening out for the two of you, per your request, stand in the closet, staring at all your clothes and whine about how you have nothing to wear because you are so fat and you feel ugly and you don't feel like fixing your hair or makeup. then fight tears because you feel fat and ugly. dream about being skinny and smokin hot. immediately after, down a hotdog, fries, and several beers.

 

11) laugh. at yourself. at your spouse. at what life hands you. squeeze your shugpie. tell em you love em, and that no matter what cards y'all are dealt, you wouldn't want to go through it with anybody else. praise God. never forget that your shugpie is a blessing that He picked out just for you, shug!

happy, happy, happy

yesterday was my pooh-pooh post.

so for today's post, i thought i'd share with y'all some stuff that gets me out of my funk.

rihanna // shine bright like a diamond

 

diet mountain dew. the colder the better

going for a walk. outside. i just don't get a 'gym high'

talking to one of a select few friends on the phone

writing in my planner - to feel accomplished about things that've already happened, and to look forward to things to come

pinterest - photography, home, beauty and fashion inspiration make me smile - oh, and my entire animal board in and of itself

new nail polish

peanut m&m's

duck dynasty {especially phil, he's my fave}

how i met your mother

happy

happy

happy

santa, channing & pontoon debauchery

y'all ever check to see what searches led people to your blog?

mercy.
hope your weekend is full of amazingness. bonus if channing or a pontoon are involved.

list of happies.

i woke up in a great mood today, despite the fever blister family reunion that is taking over my mouth right now. the good new is, today they are not causing teeth pain, swollen lymph nodes, neck pain and therefore, a bangin headache. little bastards.

anyway, my list of happies:

* the bomb old black ladies i saw on my walk this mornin. i admit, i am jealous i didn't have a prominent black lady figure in my childhood like willetta from divine secrets of the ya ya sisterhood, or like aibileen from the help. now don't get it twisted -  i am not a racist. i didn't say i wanted a black maid. i said i wanted a prominent black lady figure in my childhood. won't no maids or even once a month cleanin ladies in my house, frands.

* feeling super awesome after my walk - physically, mentally, and emotionally AWESOME.

* editing photos - for clients, of course, but also because i crack myself up doing shiz like this:

* super crisp red grapes alternated with mouthfuls of sunflower seeds

* blood sugars like this. BAM!

* getting paid to take surveys. whoop!

* caffeine free diet mt. dew. i LOVE crunk diet mt. dew, and for a lot of people, the whole point is the caffeine, duh, but with surgery recovery, it's important to stay hydrated, so even though CFDMD is not healthy by any stretch, i am so happy there is a CF version. holla!

* tootsie pops. how awesome, right? just enough chocolate. not bad on calories. fulfilling because you can't just chomp it down in one bite. {i mean, i guess you could, but why?}

* this shiz, which smells HEAVENLY {although i find its name irritating. wouldn't creamy baby oil make more sense?}:

 

and here's what's not so awesome:

* i've read a zillion places all the benefits of coconut oil. i've used it on my skin before - cuts, blemishes, dryness, etc. however, it's supposed to be all kinds of goodness for the inside of ya body too. but, somebody share, HOW DO YOU CONSUME THAT SHIZ WITHOUT GAGGIN LIKE A MAGGOT? can i get a RALPH up in heah? woof! it's solid at room temp, so it has to be melted, or it's like nibblin on cold, crusty butter. hurltasma, right? so, the best thing i've discovered is putting it on hot toast, and smotherin that sonofabitch in peanut butter. and that's just ONE TEASPOON. any suggestions? anyone? mmmk. well, if you think of somethin, do holla.

have a magical .... what is this? wednesday? 

My Gnarly Surgery Scar says, "Have a Super Day!"

Sooo, this is gross, kinda, and I don't usually post even remotely gross stuff on the bloggy. But it made me laugh until I was cryin/squeakin/gyratin/snortin, so I'm postin about it. It's really not THAT gross, but if you have a pooh stomach, maybe look at it not super close to a meal time?

That's it. You were warned. Don't keep on readin and then leave some comment about how gross I am because YOU ARE CHOOSING TO KEEP READING. 

Alright ...

Last night upon observing the gnarltastic bruise I got accompanying my incision, I decided that I should share with the fam.

Mama was like: gross

Younger brother Eric was like: haha

Baby brother Mack {shown below} was like: moo. it looks like it's gonna talk!

I'm thinkin, what the hell is wrong with Mack?
But, then I see it! Not a cow, but a magical spotted bear!
And I laughed and laughed and laughed.
Which was causing me pain, so I just firmly held my hand against my guts and laughed some more.

Then I texted it to some other peeps who'd had a bad day, and made them laugh too. Then they showed their husbands. And their husbands laughed.

So, friends, here is my sicktastic scar with mayjah bruisin ... shaped like a widdle bear face, who's sayin, "Hey there, Shug! Cheer up!"

The black part at the top is my pants. This is taken from my point of view, lookin down at my boley holey.

The two lil dots that make the eyes are where some kinda probes were.
The "top" of the incision in the picture (which is really the bottom), is the nose.
And, of course, the boley holey itself is the mouth, which is duh, smiling.

The other two scars are not shown, as so far, they are making no effort to look like an awesome animal figure.

Happy Friday, and happy weekending peeps!

Love,
Shug in Boots & Scar Bear

good shiz, brought to you by Anj Pie & Facebook

Part 1
Anj is one of a kind.

So, feeling good today, peeps. I'm on this nasty cycle of being up half the night, and feelin ragged the next day, so I break down and have a nap, which further whacks me out. Soooo, today, I had me a lil Diet Mt. Dew before lunch, thinkin I could make it over the hump, sans nap, and wow, that shit is laced.

Anyhoo. Went to doctor today for my follow up. Everything looks super. Anj Pie decided to be a doll baby and drive me to my visit because he thinks it's shitty how I abuse my friends to not only do our dishes and bake for us, but then ask them to drive all out of their way to take me to the "vadge doctor" because he is the most awesome husband everrr. Here are several reasons why Anj is awesome. (I know y'all get sick of me talkin about how awesome he is, but I don't give a shit because it's my blog. I know this is a difficult concept for some people to grasp.)

1) When I ask Anj to please come snuggle with me on the couch, what I mean is, my incisions still hurt, so you're not gonna be able to actually lay down with me. But, I still want to be close to you. So, the only way I can think of to get this to work is that you are gonna have to sit at the foot of the couch and prop your head on my ass like it's a pillow, and endure the blows of my post surgery "wind". Oops. Bless his heart. He laid there a good 45 minutes. He told me the truth next time I asked him to come snuggle with me. "Anj, you wanna come snuggle wif me, shug?" "No." "Why not, Anj?" "Because you won't let me really snuggle. You make me sit at the end of the couch with your poots." :(  
*PS, I learned from too much googling that British people who are gassy after surgery say they are feeling "windy". WTF?

2) When I get the giggles ALL THE TIME (now that it hurts to laugh, of course) Anj at least acts like he's not annoyed that I now snort/squeak/gyrate uncontrollably to avoid putting too much pressure on my guts.

3) He makes bomb ass souvlaki with tzatziki sauce. Man!

4) Always bringin the humor at inappropriate times. When we go to the check up, and the doctor asks what questions I have, I ask him when is it safe to start trying again, and B) when is it safe to have sex at all? Even the protected kind, because, duh, a girl is worried about what all that might do to my not healed insides, am I right, or am I right? I mean, I can't even cough or laugh without hurting. Pretty sure I whacked out a muscle reaching the wrong way to turn off the bedside lamp. I mean, damn. I was tryin to save Anj from havin to ask because I know he wanted to know.

Well ... after getting that answered, the doctor asks if there's anything else he can help us with:

ANJ (with his eye roll/flutter): Umm, aren't you going to ask him about going to the bathroom?" (Yay, bladder!)
ME: Oh, yeah, how could I forget?
ANJ: Cause you were too busy thinkin about sex.
 ME: What?! You're the one all worried about it.
DOCTOR: Him and every other man that comes in.

Really? Anj totally threw me under the bus. Made a funny at my expense. In the doctor's office. That's what I get. I'ma let y'all guess ... who is most concerned with when it's okay to have sex again? ...... Right.

I warned Anj that I would blog about this: (Can you even take screenshots on droids? If so, I need to be schooled. In the meantime, I present: a real picture with a real camera)

Seriously.

Anywayz.

Part 2. 
Facebook awesomes for today:

1) A dear sweet friend of mine that I haven't seen in ages sent me a message after reading about my surgery. She said that she read my post last week, but just wasn't sure what to say. She of course mentioned that she was sorry to hear, and wished me well and said many positive, encouraging things regarding the situation. But this part melted my heart, and filled me up with snuggles:

I know we drifted apart but you were/are a very special friend to me. You showed me how to be confident, trust myself, BE myself and I will never forget. I was so shy and you really helped me grow into my self more and that is some thing I will always cherish.

Although this friend was a huge part of my life when we were younger, I'd never really realized how much we helped each other in a yucky time. God gives us what and who we need when we need it. If you have a friend going through a hard time (or even if they're not), you can never go wrong in letting them know what their friendship means to you - even if it's not the kind of friendship where you see or talk to each other often.

2) Another friend of mine posted this as her thought for the day, and I thought it was spot on:

Thought for Thursday--Life isn't fair, but it's still good. Your job won't take care of you when you're sick; your friends and parents will: stay in touch. You don't have to win every argument; agree to disagree. Make peace with your past so you don't screw up your present. Don't compare your life to others'; you have no idea what their journey is all about. Over prepare and then go with the flow. Be eccentric now; don't wait for old age to wear purple. Your children only get one childhood. If we threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's we'd grab ours back. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Tis true, frands! Seems like somebody else's grass is always greener, but you can rest assured they been through some shit too. I love this here bloggy because it's mine and I can just dump my brain out here for the most part. My entry about what happened was mostly a soul-cleansing brain dump. I've read that post 15 times myself, until I sort of become numb to it. It is what it is and what resulted is that I'm ready to go forward. I also feel so much more alive because real shit brings real emotions and real reactions from people who care. Every now and then something happens and you feel really deeply, and you also get really close to God, if you're lucky.

Good comes from everything if you look for it!

Welp, shugs. That's all for today.

Deuces.

hahahahaha

hello snuggle pies.

hope y'all are havin a lovely labor day weekend.

i'm at the beach, but i wanted to leave y'all with these things that crack. me. up. 

thanks to ma pinterest. {shuginboots}

don't judge me.

let's get started.

below is clearly a painting of me {beef} gettin ready to tailgate at an nc stizzle game.

 

next,
 clearly dogs are awesome:

innappropriate but i still laugh every time i see it:

 

y'all know i love me some bacon strips, crumbles, all that:

you just can't be worryin about shit:

holla:

peace out, shugs.

a list of happies.

dear SIB readers,

thanks so much for your kind comments, thoughts and prayers regarding my meltdown yesterday. i did end up punching diabeetus in the throat, going for a walk, going to bed early, and now i'm feeling better. i'm also having lunch with a dear, dear friend in a little while, so that's all the more reason to be smiles today, shugs.

i'm itching to blog today, and it's going to be in the form of this random list of happies, in no particular order.

1) anj davis

2) chobani greek yogurt in apple cinnamon (just like baked apples at the bottom!)

3) fall's almost here

4) my acupuncturist is the bomb

5) it's alllllmost nc state tailgating time ... can't wait for this friday to watch the chicfila game!

6) thank God for mama

7) and good friends

8) this blog - it keeps me sane fo sho

9) Jesus

sometimes crappo days are just a reminder of your support system. crying helps too. and to have your hubs hug you and smile while you cry. helps you know it's not the end of the world like you previously thought.

i hope y'all have a great tuesday. mine's been good so far! ;)

love,
shug

what's on your list of happy???

where's yo happy?

If you are someone who

a) gets excited about lists
b) enjoys feeling all snuggly inside
c) never manages to finish a whole book {not counting 50 Shades}

then you need this. 

14,000 Things to be Happy About.: Revised and Updated edition

I haven't read the "revised and updated version" - I was readin the old school edition in high school. LOVE THIS SHIZ. It's just a straight up list of random stuff that is awesome.

If I wrote the "Shug in Boots Edition" it would include the following awesome things that make me smile and be excited about being alive:

-1-
buying new shampoo - nothin fancy. straight from bi-lo, but still exciting

-2- 
stores that sell good diet drinks like diet sun drop or diet cherry dr pepper. bonus if it's in a can

-3-
the coconut smell of tanning oil

-4-
clients who are in love with their images as much as i am

-5-
chicfila sauce

-6-
chicfila fries

-7-
chicfila sells diet dr pepper

-8-
miranda lambert - her personality, her style, and her non-size-zero-ness

 -9-
my friend jordan's blog

-10-
the little "pellets" of ice in the drinks at Stuart's

-11-
 a shower after the pool

-12-
 men's white hanes t-shirts, i wear em all the time

-13-
thunderstorms, especially at the beach

-14-
my great great aunt mary thelma

-15-
establishments who sell red bridge instead of nasty ass new grist

-16-
my favorite blanket ever from Walmart/my girl Ber quilted and super soft, perfect size for couch, excellent when sick

-17-
 a1c's that are better and better with every dr visit

-18-
 acupuncture

-19-
my new header. i'm pretty much in love.

what are the little things that make you HaPpY?

cosmo.

Found this funny. Did you read my other post about Cosmo?

                                                                                Source: sugarsnap.tumblr.com via Sarah on Pinterest

Happy Friday.

y'all know i don't love cats

especially black ones. duh, they are bad luck. remember this post?

so, imagine the tightness in my chest/horror/omg i felt when i saw these hoodlums just chillin on our back deck. there were FIVE of them. SOLID BLACK. except one had a lil white on his neck.

first, i tried to tell myself how totally ridiculous it is to be paranoid over some cats.

that didn't really work. so, then, i reasoned that it wasn't a bad thing because they were soft fluffy little kittens ... even though one of em's eye was totally crusty and small and barely there. CREEPtastic.

whatever. so, i was about to hop in my car to make a three hour drive, and i noticed the wind was blowin and the leaves were upside down and i thought, "oh lawd, somethin is about to go down."

i decided to stop trippin and get my usual road trip bevy

thank you, sonic, for diet cherry flavor ... totally mag with diet coke or diet dr. pepper. i highly recommend.

and then - as i was sippin on my large diet dr. pepper with diet cherry flavor, lo and behold,  I saw this, which duh, cancelled out any bad vibes from the black cats. 
 

plus TWO red birds flew right in front of my car. 

yeahhhh. tha's what i'm talkin bout.

cracked me up.

Perhaps you have to be a "cat person" or a "dog person" to really get the full effect. Or --- perhaps you have to just be stir crazy from being home alone all week, but this shit is funny.

Thanks Pinterest.

                                                                                      

I hope you thought that was as funny as I did. If not, well ... I dunno.

Me and the hubs are goin for a Sunday drive to investigate these parts nearby. And - we're takin the Nikon, just in case. ;)

 Have a magical Sunday!!

i love the nikon.

random photo opps such as the ones below make me smile. that is all for today. because I am beyond exhausted. happy monday.

dear friday, I'll be your best friend if you brang it. faster.

Wolfpack is more better

So, my friend Sara, who is also a die-hard State fan, shared this over on her blog today, and I about died. 

It's hilarious whether you are a Pack fan or not. This could so be my kid. 

See how torturous it is for a child to grow up in a home with an unfit UNC parent? 

;)

Update: After a football win -

Tomorrow is Fridayyyy!!!

five.

Ever have those days when you really wanna blog? Your fingertips are just itching to type. But you got nothin?

So, I just gave in. Hell, let's just call it a pinterest day.



{1}

This is so me. Do not TRY and play around with me when I'm hungry or my blood's low.

{2}

EXCELLENT parenting advice.

{3}

I need this in my life.

{4}

Is it weird that this reminds me of Anj Davis?

{5}

You know it's funny.

Now, go do somethin productive.