12 October 2012

when the bottom drops out

tuesday before last i was in surgery to remove my ectopic pregnancy.
i feel like a whack job for still writing about this, but then i realize, it's okay that i'm still talking about it, and nobody has to read it if they don't want to.

i have spent 98% of the time since then feeling positive. i truly have. THANK GOD. in my sane mind, i feel hopeful, and doctors say the future looks good.

but then - there is the other 2%. the 2% that i pretty much am scared of. the 2% that just comes around without warning and without my permission. i feel like so many things happened in 8 weeks.

yay! we're pregnant!
omigod, something's not right about this.
honey, it's ectopic.
thank God i'm okay.
i let them take my baby.
you'll be fine! the future is bright!
wait! did i dream this? were we ever pregnant?
i had to let them take my baby. it would've never been a "real" baby anyway.
are we even ready to be parents?
i can't handle any of this.

at first, i was doing really well telling myself that it wasn't really a baby anyway. i mean, it was what, the size of a blueberry?

but then, people say, "i'm so sorry you lost your baby." "your baby's in heaven." etc. etc. etc. clearly, these people aren't to blame for the state of my emotions. and we appreciate each and every single card, text, message, post, comment, phone call. 
every. single. word.

one second, i will be perfectly fine. just like earlier today, when i posted about scar bear. then, i suddenly feel pissed at the world - including the husband i've spent so much time thanking God for. the same husband that i have bragged on because he truly has been amazing. next, i just break down into an uncontrollable sob at the end of dinner.

people have said, "let yourself grieve." "your pain is your pain." "you shouldn't feel guilty for what you feel - whether it's happy or sad."

for a while, i thought, "something is wrong with me, that i'm not more upset ... right?" i was mostly consumed with gratitude to God for saving me, and letting me have another chance at motherhood after this. frankly, i started to feel guilty when people began to share stories much worse than mine. i mean what kind of a pitiful sob story am i? i mean, damn, self, get over you!

but then i think, "wait. what if this isn't it? what if this is just the beginning? what if God is just preparing me for a long, painful road ahead?" and i start to feel like i can't breathe.
then i bounce to, "beth, you are nuts. why do you think that? the doctor said the future's very bright."

y'all. i feel crazy. as. a. bat. cave!

{y'all need to pray for Anj Davis, livin up in here with my crazy ass. never knowin what he's gone get when he comes near me}

i feel like there are multiple people - with multiple personalities - in charge of running my brain and emotions, and they work random shifts of varying lengths, and i never know when the shifts are going to change.

the thing i hate the most is the person who works the bitter shift.
i feel disgusted with myself when i feel envy. i hate, hate, hate bitterness and envy and the nasty thoughts they bring with them. we could get on the "why" train and ride til we run out of tracks, right?

* why are there people throwing their unwanted babies in dumpsters?
* why are there people who are lazy as hell having 6, 7, 8 babies - that they treat like burdens - so they can live off the government for the rest of their lives - and they even have the balls to tell you so!
* why do people who do nothing but fight and yell at their kids seem to be able to get pregnant whenever the hell they want?
* why did i wait until i was 29 to even start trying?
* why are there people in this world insisting on c-sections on a specific day so they can do shit like make some damn daycare cutoff date when there are other people who just want their baby to exist - on any fuckin day?
* why?
* why?
* why?

but if i know anything, i know that God ain't about some "whys". it makes sense to Him, and it may never, ever make sense to me.

but that doesn't mean He doesn't care. and it doesn't mean that He's abandoned us. it's easy to trust God when everything is awesome and going your way. and it's real easy to turn on Him and fend for yourself when He's done things to piss you off or hurt your feelings - or at least allowed them to happen.

anyhoo - i guess this is another stage of the many emotions i am processing right now. and just like that - in the time it took me to type this up, it's over. i feel grateful and optimistic again. it's like the grief has to surface for a few minutes every few days, rear its ugly ass head, pout and cry, and then it can leave. whatever, bitch. i'm about to take some melatonin and get some sleep.

i guess these last few weeks are about as honest and raw as i've ever been on the blog.
thanks for letting me vent. that's my primary purpose in this blog's existence. just to get it out of my system. with this particular situation, i hope, somehow, some way, someone in a situation like mine will be helped - if for no other reason than just to know they're not alone, and that someone else out there has felt what they're feeling. i also hope to share my own faith. without it, i'd be nothing but a pitiful blob of poor ole me and anger. (right now, i'm not to full-blown blob status, i'm just a lil dablet, thank God.)

i've had so many people tell me that i inspire them. that they are encouraged by my optimism. that i'm so strong. i find this to be mind blowing. because i have never thought so. it's more like, i'm in a fog. but i will say that i have prayed and prayed, over the course of my life this basic prayer:

"Dear Lord, please give me whatever be your will, because I know your will is best. Help me to get past what I want, and realize that I never fully know what it is that I'm asking for, and therefore, what you may be protecting me from. Please give me the strength to get through whatever happens, and most importantly, please let me never doubt that you are in control and that I am being taken care of."

this has never failed me. it doesn't mean i don't cry. it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. but, it means that it hurts a little less, and that i have hope and comfort along the way. it means that i know that regardless of what's happening, it's not an accident. God's got it. and it's all part of His divine plan. God is in everything. the support system He's given me with all this is Him at work.

as soon as i started crying tonight, i took a shower, kept crying, and then, got out and immediately wanted the lap top so i could type this out. this blog is like a nice long walk, or a hot bath, or a nice massage. it's my way of addressing whatever it is in my brain at that moment, be it something i think is hilarious, or something that's breaking me that i need to get rid of, this blog is always here.

i've spoken with many women who preferred to keep their stories private, or at least limited to close family. that is just fine. we all deal differently. for me personally, keeping it in is like poison that just eats and eats away at me until i am completely consumed by it. so, thanks again, for letting me ramble, and for actually reading this stuff.

okay, no more philosophical sap fest tonight.

take care friends! i'm about to get my night night on. thanks for listenin to my shit.

love y'all!

1 comment:

Tracy said...

Blog all you want. It helps you and others.