07 December 2012

dear ectopic & multiple personalities,

this is about to be one of those blunt posts, so if you're here for humor, today's probably not it. and, i'm acutally writing this on tuesday, but it won't post til friday, so i can assure you that by the time you read this, my mood will have changed.

over the weekend, i kept waiting for my period to come. it was a little late, but i wasn't getting my hopes up because i've learned that getting your hopes up will typically fuck you over backfire. {wait, i shouldn't have said that, i have so much to be grateful for, and the truth is, i have gotten my hopes up in many other areas of my life, and everything did turn out, just fine, in fact. if you are new here and have no idea what i'm talking about, you should read this post first.} it finally showed up on monday, just three days late. good, i thought. that's fine. the surgery was only a couple months ago, it's not like we've been trying for forever. i went on about my day, thankful that my body is regulating itself back out, and that i still have one healthy fallopian tube left. everything is just fine.

then, a friend texted me and told me she was pregnant and sent me a picture of the sonogram.
i told her congratulations, and then i cried for two hours that night, and more into the next day.
i just looked at the text, and that was it. just started crying so hard i could hardly talk. i just showed anj my phone.
anj was sitting there with me, asking me what i was thinking about and then i went through all of it all over again.

i had just spent the previous few days wanting to feel sad, because i didn't really. wondering what is wrong with me that i'm not distraught. i want to just feel terrible about everything that happened for a few days, weeks, whatever, and get it out of my system, and be done with it. but, instead, i feel totally awesome and then out of nowhere, BOOM. tears. tears of anger, rage, guilt, devastation, ... and then i just feel silly for feeling all of it, or any of it, or i don't even know, really.

it's like there are three me's.
me #1 is a bitter, jealous bitch. a bitch who swears that every single female of child bearing age within a 5,000 mile radius is pregnant. a bitch who is sick of facebook, and sick of instagram and the saturation of the free world with pictures of babies.

me #2 HATES me #1. the real, normal, before-the-ectopic me is nothing like me #1. i feel joy for my friends, and grateful that God has blessed them. And I KNOW THAT I WOULD BE THE SAME WAY IF I WERE PREGNANT/HAD A BABY. And they should be happy! That is normal.

me #3 is just guilty. guilty that i have any negative feelings whatsoever. why should i complain? it could have been worse. i could have bled to death. drs could be telling me that i can't have kids at all. even if i can't, i have a wonderful husband. i am so blessed in so many other ways, etc, etc, etc.

i feel like the regular, somewhat sane me is nowhere to be found when these three are around tag-teaming my brain. and i go from me #1 to me #2 to me #3 very rapidly - almost at the same time. they are like triplets who always travel together. rage, hating myself for being an evil bitch, and then just guilty that i'm not grateful enough for what i have already. rinse, repeat.

i am sick of this shit. really, really sick of it. 
nope, i won't be negative and ungrateful. 
i can't decide.
dear the three me's, 

i get that y'all have been through some shit. but i am really over your whole disappear-and-then-pop-up-at-random act. i hate feeling like this. one day i feel one way, and the next day it can be the total opposite. who the hell do y'all think you are, robbing me of feeling happiness for my friends? because i know they would be happy for me if the tables were turned. 
i do NOT appreciate y'all just snatching away my control. control of how i feel and how i react. i am not crazy, and i don't appreciate y'all making me feel like i am.
y'all can pack your shit up and get on back to wherever it is that you were previously hiding, and stay there. 
i miss the normal, old, optimistic me, who is around 99% of the time.
you are not welcome here. 
i don't really know which of you i hate the most. all of you together are an especially ugly combination, given that you switch it up every 2.4 seconds. my husband never knows what to expect. neither do i. 
so, whenever you are done fucking with me, i'd love to get back to being optimistic and happy for my friends without having to go through a range of psycho emotions first. 


yours truly,
sane, happy-for-others, not-feeling-sorry-for-myself me

i wasn't going to write this because guilty me was afraid of offending my preggo friend and hurting her feelings. but, sane me texted her and explained myself and warned her of this post so she wouldn't take it the wrong way. i sort of had an epiphany while i was texting her.
i told her: it's hard not having anywhere to place your anger. what happened is no one's fault. not mine, not andrew's, not the doctors', not God's, and not my friends' who are having healthy pregnancies right now.
i guess some say i could be mad at God if i wanted to. i tried to be, but it doesn't work. i cannot be mad at God because HE HAS DONE SO MANY POSITIVE THINGS FOR ME THAT I AM SO UNDESERVING OF. He could have stopped my ectopic. He could have made it a healthy pregnancy. but, i think if you can't learn to trust God ALL the time - through good and bad, you are screwed. God doesn't do halvsies.

and here's what else, ty posted about some chick who was PROUD that she had gotten married young and had all her kids in her early twenties. well, good for you, bitch. aren't you lucky? guess what. YOU didn't do any of that on your own account, God above is the only one who allowed you to have such blessings. i have not read that chick's post, but just the sheer thought of such shit simply enraged me. don't even get me started on people who take credit for everything in their lives with little or no credit given to God for what He has done.

that is all that i am aware that i am feeling right this second.

thanks for letting me vent. :)

now, since i'm definitely not pregnant, i am going to starbuck's to get the biggest pumpkin spice latte they will sell me.


* update: since typing this post tuesday morning, i had a conversation with a new friend on tuesday afternoon and found out that she lost her baby at 22 weeks. twenty-two weeks! can you imagine?!  and now, i'm on the other end of the spectrum again, where i think i should just shut up and get over it because oh my word, it could clearly have been worse. but you know what, she was so positive! and so inspirational! and so full of everything that God stands for. even after all that! just what i needed to hear. :)



Sara said...

Stopping by from the link up....

I want to tell you that your multiple personalities are completely normal! People who get magically, instantly pregnant don't seem to understand. I didn't have any major issues like you did before I finally did get pregnant, but I still cried when I learned friends were pregnant, hated some celebrities who pop out babies like it's going out of style, and cried while shopping for shower gifts for friends. I didn't even have a traumatic experience like you did. Just let it out. Cry. It's better than letting it bottle up inside.

Abigaylemae said...

Once again, you and I have a scary amount of things in common...A few of the details are different, but nonetheless we are always close to being on the same page. Hope your weekend is filled with lots of good things that make your face hurt from smiling so much :O)

Suze said...

Aw, girl, I think all your "me's" deserve t have their time to feel the way they do. Tough stuff made even tougher by everything going on around you. I hope your guilty you doesn't beat yourself up too badly for needing to vent. Everyone needs to do that sometimes, without fear or guilt. I hope it helped you feel better anyhow.

Amy said...

I LOVE what you say about God here. How yes, we can choose to be mad at Him when things don't go our way. Or, we can recognize how much He has already given us, and trust that it is much better to fall back on His love and grace in hard times than to be angry at Him. It's really inspiring what you wrote :) Thank you for your inspiration.