Dear Jesus: thanks for keeping us from getting blasted on the side of the highway

Hubs and I decided to get some lunch at a restaurant where our friend works.

The food was magical, we got to chat with him for a bit, which was nice because we hadn't seen him in awhile.

Our check came and the waitress told us that our friend had covered our check for us.

How sweet of him!

So, to pay it forward, Anj left the 20 bucks that would've went toward our lunch for the waitress as her tip.

That song by Clay Walker that makes me cry every time I hear it popped in my head. You know, the one about the guy helping the old lady change her tire, and how he refuses to let her pay him. Then, she leaves this huge tip for a waitress at a diner down the road (the same money that he wouldn't take as payment). Seriously, you gotta listen to it.
{This song:  }

Anyway, we were full as toads and on our drive home, we were trying to decide how we wanted to spend the rest of our afternoon.

I was in a food coma and was about to drift off to sleep when I heard a sound.

A repetitive sound.

That seemed to be getting louder.

Like the one you hear when you are running over those reflector lights in the road.

I looked around us at the lane to our left, and the lane to our right at the cars speeding by at 60, 65 miles an hour, wondering where the sound was coming from.

I looked at Anj. He was sitting up super straight and checking all the mirrors, trying to switch lanes, and it wasn't anywhere near our exit.

My stomach felt gross.

Then I knew.

It was us. Oh shit.

And one of our dang tires.

A front tire.

The one on my side.

I was lower than the rest of the car.

Holy snapple.

Andrew is all cool and collected, calmly trying to get over - first, to the lane to our right, and eventually, to the shoulder of the upcoming exit without getting blasted by the people on 77 who could give two shits about slowing down for a car in distress.

Me? Calm? Not so much.

"Turn on the hazzards! Turn on the hazzards! Blow the horn! These people are nuts! We'll never get over!"

We finally make it over to the shoulder by the exit.

The guard rails are quickly approaching on my side, and we can't exactly slam on breaks, because there is only one tire supporting the front end of the car.

Closer and closer and closer.

I am just waiting to hear the sound of the whole passenger's side grinnnnnnding against the guard rails, and I'm already wondering how either one of us is going to be able to get out - me, because I'm about to be pinned against the guard rails, and Anj, because he'll be right against people flying onto the exit.

Finally, the car comes to a stop, and I am too close to the guard rail to open the door, and therefore, we are also too close to the guard rail for Anj to have room to change the tire.

So, we have to back up, on the shoulder, against oncoming traffic alongside the highway.

I am talkin' to Jesus 900 miles a minute, but I feel confident that He can understand every word I'm sayin'.

As we are backing up, I can hear the tire rim, wrapped in lose, flapping rubber, grinding against the ground with every rotation.

Eventually, we were far enough away from the guard rail to stop with enough room to change the tire.

Anj waited for a break in traffic to get out of the driver's side.

I got out and looked, and Anj yelled at me to get back in the car and stay out of the road because it was dangerous.

But, all I could think about was

1) if I get out, and stand in the grass (on the safe side of the guard rail), it'll hopefully draw attention of drivers who are probably looking at their phones or changing the radio or yelling at their kids ... to the fact that we are parked, and not simply braking

2) if a car is not paying attention, I want time to yell at Anj to get the hell up and come to the grass with me before they slam into Sylvia

3) me continuing to sit in the front passenger seat is just adding another several, unneeded pounds to that rim

So, I grabbed the car manual because getting to my spare tire is totally random and not intuitive, got out of the car, stepped over the guard rail, back into the grass, and prepared to shout over the traffic to my husband in case he needed more info.

Then, I thanked the Lord Jesus above for 1) getting us safely across two lanes, plus an exit lane to the safety of the shoulder so we could change our tire 2) letting my dear sweet husband be there with me or I woulda been toe out tha frame (more than I was) 3) not letting my rim get damaged or bent 4) providing everything we needed within the car to get the tired changed (jack, spare, tire iron, etc)

Then, I prayed for Him to keep us safe until the tire was changed, and not let that jack collapse before Anj got the spare on.

My heart was racin' y'all.

People were flying by, blowing the horn at us while my husband crawled around on the pavement, beside heavy 65 mph traffic, in his shorts and flip flops, sweating like a mule to get our tire changed.

Thankfully, Anj was able to get the spare on with no real trouble, and no one blasted our asses in the process.

I told Anj on the way home, that I realized that sometimes, I just wanna know WHY!? WHY!? WHY?! with things that happen in this life of ours. WHY does God allow it? Has he forgotten us? What is his reasoning? But, every single time I wonder that - without fail - he reminds me in another, totally unrelated way, that he is still in control, and he blesses us everyday.

He and Sylvia must be pretty tight because this sho ain't the first time he has rescued homegirl.

The Lord is good, friends.

And I thank him for this guy:

I was thinking about our friend paying our bill, and how nice that was of him to do.

And how good it felt to do something nice for someone else by leaving the waitress the tip that was almost the total cost of our bill. And then how nice it is of Jesus to rescue us from disasters pretty much around the clock. Sometimes we can see those disasters being averted plain as day - like when our tire blew out today. But, a lot of times, we have to look a little closer, and think a little deeper and more positively. He's saving us from other messes that we don't even know about. Some of those things that we see as disappointments and failures are really God saying, "I have a better time frame, and a better plan, just hold tight."

We couldn't find any obvious cause. We think the tire just blew. But, I'm due for some new tires anyway, so Miss Sylvia will be gettin' herself four brand new shoes come Monday.

i'm here

or at least someone who looks like me is.

1) i wish i could put my brain on a vacay. sick of analyzing. sick of worrying. sick of feeling irritated. sick of wondering what the point is.

2) i'm turning 30 in less than a month. we have no kids. we have no house. i have no real job. i feel pointless. but i do not miss my "real job" that i "went to school to do". i want to do something creative. i don't know how to get started. who hires a teacher to do anything else?

3) i feel like if i can't have a baby, then i should have a rockin' hot body. i have neither. and i'm not motivated to try very hard for either one. what is wrong with me? poor anj.

4) way too many people get on my damn nerves. especially other people's kids. why is that? am i subconsciously jealous of them? bitter over my own circumstances? or is it simply that they are just fucking annoying?

5) i used to love this blog. now it feels like it just sits here staring at me like, "are you gonna write some shit? post some pictures? no? well then, what the hell are you doing?"

i just don't feel like me.

yuck. gross.
cuss me if you want, but i swear, boys have some things easier because their hormones don't fluctuate all over the damn place.

and this is the end of my eeyore post that i only wrote because my blog is nagging me to post something.

a day in my life

a day in the life ...

is today's prompt over at Jenni's.

not all days are the same, but here is a nice mix of what my days are like: 

your baby's not cute. stfu.

mother's day. officially, not one of my favorites, thanks to last october.

i am so ready to get the eff out of my own brain. people ask, "how are you? any news?"
i'm thinking, "yes, there's news. i'm pregnant, (with quadruplets!) and i haven't told ANYONE - but i am going to tell you, since you asked."

NO, I'M NOT. 

i mean, people know about "what happened" because i told them. and i do appreciate their checking on us, but i don't necessarily care to discuss how many times a month we are having sex, or just how hard we are trying.
but thanks for comin' out.

_________

over the weekend, i was in kohl's, trying to buy ONE ITEM.

there was a grandmother/mother/toddler trio in front of me.
the cashier was all, "OHHHHHHHHHH WHAT AN ADORABLE BABY!" in this super annoying foreign accent. it sounded just like that painter that samantha dated for ten seconds when she wanted to try being bi ... you know, samantha on sex and the city?
and, she was doing everything slow as molasses.

anyway - they were going ON and fucking ON about how adorrrrrrrrrable the little girl was, and how happy they were that the daughter only lived three hours away because the grandmother just COULD NOT BARE the thought of them being further away.
and the cashier was still goin .... WHAT A PRECIOUS bond between a mother and daughter. truly a blessing. YADA YADA YADA.
i mean, the woman had like three items, and so far, we've been standing there droning on and on for ten minutes.
clearly she needed to peace out from kohl's and get a job writing mother's day cards for hallmark.
the grandmother's eyebrows were abnormally high, and it looked like her smile was permanent - like she was on a combination of percocet and mt. dew through an IV.

the grandmother REPEATEDLY turned around to me smiling, like, "don't you agree?! isn't it a blessing?! aren't my daughter and granddaughter the cutest things you've ever seen in your ENTIRE life?!?! what is wrong with you? tell me how awesome we are!"

i did not smile.
instead, my facial expression was more like, "actually, no. i just want to pay for this one freakin' item. could you please shut the fuck up, pay for your shit, and get the eff outta dodge so i can get away from you, your daughter and your average looking granddaughter? thanks."

i know the woman turned around eagerly awaiting my giddy reply at least three times.

fat chance, grandma.
didn't she know that it was about to be mother's day, and i wanted to be a mother and all that jazz, but instead i had a surgery to cut my baby and one of my fallopian tubes out of me and i didn't have time to listen to their disgusting shit?

wanna buy me?

_________

and on mother's day night i cried.
i cried because i can't truly be happy for people.
i cried because i'm scared my body is broken.
and my mascara ran down to my neck.
and when i cry, my eyes get greener than normal.
and i looked like heath ledger as the joker.
i wish i had taken a picture for y'all.
i don't really like the mascara. it's the first time i've tried it, and i will be going back to my old shit.

then, the next day at the store, my emotions - bitterness, sadness, jealousy, self-pity were still lingering around.
so, i cried some more - seemingly at the drop of a hat - out on the front porch.
warning, crazy female davis at the store.
and my SIL was there to hug me and try to convince me that despite my evil thoughts and crying on a whim, i am not in fact crazy.

cheers! to being frightfully honest on the blog.

what i want to change about me

today's post was inspired by casey's

God made us all unique, but there are certainly some things i would like to do to become a better version of myself ...

1} make healthier choices. i'm bigger than i once was, and it is all pretty much from a total lack of exercise, and too many beer, cheese and french fry calories.but, not just that, i need to think of my food as fuel, to give me energy, and make my body run more efficiently. right now, i'm not being as nice as i should be to my heart and other organs. i used to really enjoy walking. it was refreshing and a way to clear my head or at least sort through what is bothering me. i'm not getting any younger, and my metabolism isn't getting any faster. i will take better care of my health.

2} i will try to have more patience with people. most of the time, the people that drive me the most nuts have been through something that i don't fully know about or understand. and even if they haven't i'll be thankful to not be in their shoes, and find something positive to do or think about instead of wallowing in my anger and irritation. i will also realize that sometimes staying away from other people's drama is the only way to "deal", whether it hurts their feelings or not. you cannot fix or change people, and choosing to be around people who fill me with negative feelings, anger and stress is counter productive, and running me down. i will not feel guilty for abandoning the drama and wanting no part of it.

3} i'm going to try really hard to stop being so much of an analyzer. this one is really, really difficult for me. i am a person who needs things to make sense, and sometimes they just don't. i will appreciate the awesome things in everyday and stop worrying about where they are all leading, or what God is working on.

4} i will do my best and that will be enough for me and for God. if others don't like it or are disappointed, that's on them, and they can make future decisions regarding my involvement as they see fit.

5} i will stop cheating on my gluten diet. all of the symptoms of gluten intolerance are back and i need to realize that cheating just doesn't work.

6} i will keep my house and my car more tidy and clean. i feel so much better when it is, and my husband deserves to come home to a clean house. he does A LOT for me and for us and the least i can do is stay on top of the cleaning.

7} i will drink more water and less soft drinks. ugh. :/

8} i will read more. whether fiction, non-fiction, a magazine, whatever. it's a nice way to "visit" someone or somewhere else, and to get inspired/motivated.

9} i will work on my tan because the whiteness of my legs is straight up scary as hell. i don't do tanning beds. and i don't do spray tans. this means i'll have to spend some time at the pool or at least on our back patio. i will wear sunscreen on my face and chest. but my arms and legs needs some color, y'all.

10} i always get stuck on #10, no matter what the list is .... so, i will stop being so OCD about 10 items on a list, and be okay with it if there's only 9. WAIT!! actually, i just thought of one: i will have fun with my camera. i will take photos of things that i find to be pretty, unique or inspiring, even if nobody else sees any value in the photo whatsoever. i will stop obsessing so much about the zillions of buttons and ways to shoot in "manual" and just enjoy my camera and learn as i go.

11} (hey, i'm on a roll) meh, nevermind.

why i love me some Jesus

i am a spiritual person, not so much religious, i don't think. people made religion. and some people get up on their pedestal with that shit, and let the self-righteousness begin! no thanks.
i have lots of friends who are agnostic, or just don't know if they should trust God or not, or just haven't really given it much thought, and they've asked me why? why do i believe in a God who allows pain, suffering, frustration and confusion? {it is definitely tough to imagine that God would allow us to suffer, but it is also easy to see why so many would be turned off to Jesus because of how some of His followers behave, unfortunately}

welp ... here's my thoughts ... 

some of us believe that God is in control.
some of us aren't so sure.
some of us {believers and non-believers} confuse religion with knowing God, and they are not the same.
i think that sometimes religion, and specifically the "law" of religion {and the judgement and hypocrisy}, drive people away from knowing the Lord.
and people who grew up with some form of  "religion" that they found to be so scarring and strict that they now want nothing to do with Jesus at all is even more cray to me. pretty sure that's not how Jesus intended it. knowing Him shouldn't be a set of rules where you feel like you can't breathe and if you don't follow 'em, He's gonna kick you to the curb. He's full of forgiveness, and He also always knows the true motives of your heart, frands - even if other people have no clue.

some don't talk about "religion" on their blog because they just don't have an interest, or they don't want to lose followers.
welp, it's your blog. you do you, shug.
to me, this is my blog, and if people don't care to read it, they don't have to. when i read people who think God is a crock, i politely click the red X and move on.
while i don't intend to "push" God on people, for me, He is my everything. He has gotten me through countless things that i know i wouldn't have been able to deal with otherwise, because i am totally weak. and He's the only one who has never, ever, ever failed me.
does that mean He always gives me what i want?
does it mean that i won't have consequences for selfishness and decisions that sprung from bitterness and greed?
of course not. that's stupid. believing in Him does not equal a free and painless ride through life.
it means that now you have someone to turn to, to listen to you, and to help you along the way, no matter how many times you screw up. someone who understands the ins and outs of your heart, even when you aren't so sure of it yourself.
as far as i'm concerned, it's a blessing that i know Him myself, i see it as a gift.
who am i to judge people for not choosing a relationship that i feel chose me to begin with?
i share my belief with those who seem to be hurting, and those who ask.
if they want to know more, they know where to find me. but, i am not going to worry over "their future" because ultimately God is in control. period.
that's how i see it.

some say that there's no such thing as a mistake.
well, of course there is ... mistakes happen all the time, that's how we learn and grow. otherwise, we'd all be perfect, right?
but i don't think there's a such thing as "accidentally getting off the path that was intended for you"
in other words, that mistake {and the lessons that were learned} are part of your path.
might not be the path you intended for yourself.
might not be the path you ever imagined yourself on, but if you think about it, everything in life is intertwined.
if you didn't go through this, you wouldn't have felt that, and you wouldn't have had a connection with so-and-so. you might not have moved here, or quit that job, or finally had enough and learned to stand up for yourself. the pain you went through might be what gave you the heart to have compassion for someone else instead of judging them.
some of the best friendships are formed because somebody made a mistake and needed someone to talk to, who understood the painful lesson that was being learned.

we could all do the what if's till the cows come home.
what if, what if, what if?
but, i know God has never given me something i couldn't handle.
i have watched the Lord work miracles in people very close to me that i just could not fathom ever happening. ever. i know that the strength to get through what they were facing simply did not come from them alone.
i have witnessed Him keep me from some damn stupid choices that would have ended in who knows what. i have begged Him in tears to deliver me from pain that i was just drowning in - from childhood until now. sometimes i don't even know what to pray, i just talk to Him and ask Him to help me. and He always delivers.
the key is finding a positive in every situation. find the positive in what resulted. find the positives in the people who are there to support you.
sometimes there's no explanation for your pain. period. there just isn't.

but for me, it is absolutely priceless to know that God had His reasons and He loves me still, and He's got a plan, even if i don't get it.
and it's human nature not to see or appreciate the sunny days if we haven't gone through the storms first.

when i think about how Jesus has my back, and listens to my prayers, {and i try to be real honest in my prayers - just like me & Jesus are chit-chattin' at starbucks, because He already knows anyway} and when i am tellin' him how i am mad at so-and-so and askin' Him to help me be patient and help me get over myself, i feel real snuggly in His arms, just like this lamb:

i've also spent a lot of time wondering how you can tell what God's will is.
well, that's just it.
it isn't black and white. but, there are some guidelines, frands.

sometimes we pray about something, and God leaves that door open instead of slamming it shut, so we think, "He wants me to do this", even if the bible specifically says not to. nope. i think that's you lyin' to yoself, shug. good luck with that.
take that road if you want, but likely, the meaning for it is far from what you think, and probably gonna be more painful than you bargained for. to me, the harder your head, the harder you fall.
i have learned plenty of things the hard way, myself.

and sometimes, it's not that we are blatantly disobeying what the bible says, rather, we just don't know what to do ... like taking a job or not, what city to live in, etc. neither decision is wrong, but, you just have to pick. sometimes God will let you know in His own way. but, sometimes, you just have to do something.
pick a path.
take a chance.
you'll learn what you need to learn.
you'll get to where you are supposed to be.
sometimes what comes from that decision is not at all what you thought. and it might not work out in your favor at all, but you had to go down that path to figure it out, and to get to a better place than you thought you'd be.

i also told my husband over the weekend, that even though i wake up feeling like, "what am i doing?", and that my life got derailed when i became unemployed from teaching, then lost a baby, then ended up working at the store, i also cherish the time i get to spend at the store because i enjoy that time with my father-in-law, and i know i wouldn't have that time with him if i had a teaching job. to me, it is a precious gift that i never would have intentionally worked out for myself.

sometimes we need to stop worrying about the what ifs.
find the blessings in your current situation.
do what's right by others, and the rest will fall into place.

and that's my two cents on how i'm glad that Jesus gots this thing called life, because hell, i don't.
it's why i'm faithful and trust Him {although sometimes i do have to remind myself}.

and this concludes this episode of Jesusing Around on the Blog, (hey steph)

deuces.

how to be an awesome spouse - 10 easy steps

1) when your shugpie is deep in sleep, shout out random things like, "TOO MUCH TURD TALK!" then yell, "WHAT?!" when they try to wake you from your madness

2) be sure to carry at least two, possibly three beverages on every road trip - even if it's only right down the road. make sure that they are all half open, but not gone, so that your shugpie can't justify throwing them away. fill up all the cup holders in the vehicle so that there is nowhere for your shugpie to put their phone. it's also a good idea to keep at least three half-consumed beverages open in the fridge so that they take up much-needed space.

3) drink too many adult beverages when already in a hormonal state. make sure to do it in public - either in a bar, or at someone's party. then when your spouse tries to comfort you and calm you down. flip your shit and cry like a lunatic.

4) when it's time for lunch, eat by the stove while you cook, so that your plate and your body are blocking the microwave. don't move to any other spot on the counter, because you need to be close to the pan where your tortillas are heating up - one at a time. your spouse can just heat their lunch in the microwave that you're blocking after you are done with your lunch. eating together is over-rated anyway.

5) find something on the tv that your spouse wants to watch. at first they won't even notice because usually you two don't have the same interests regarding tv time. then, when your shugpie gets good and interested, be sure to stand 2.5-3 feet in front of the tv so that your spouse can't see anything that's going on. be sure to yell loudly about every 28 seconds to emphasize that something awesome is being missed out on.

6) take tons and tons of photos of your spouse without their permission, because you think they are just the cutest widdle thing. then, post the photos on your blog.

7) when on long road trips, choose an indie rock station in which all of the songs involve extreme repetition and sounds that your spouse refers to as "racket". listen to approximately 9 or 10 of these songs in a row. flip shit when your spouse attempts to turn the station every 10 songs, because this song, like every song, is your favorite.

8) when on long road trips, plug in your ipod and choose loud, thuggish, gangsta songs, most of which your spouse never heard until meeting you. turn that shit up. LOUD. go psycho when your shugpie tries to turn the volume down.

9) at bedtime, before you crawl under the covers, and you notice that your spouse is visibly sweating - either because you can see it, or because they grab your hand and force you to touch the sweat, refuse to turn the air down. when your shugpie takes off downstairs to turn it down anyway, follow them, so you can monitor the situation.

10) when your shugpie plans a fun evening out for the two of you, per your request, stand in the closet, staring at all your clothes and whine about how you have nothing to wear because you are so fat and you feel ugly and you don't feel like fixing your hair or makeup. then fight tears because you feel fat and ugly. dream about being skinny and smokin hot. immediately after, down a hotdog, fries, and several beers.

 

11) laugh. at yourself. at your spouse. at what life hands you. squeeze your shugpie. tell em you love em, and that no matter what cards y'all are dealt, you wouldn't want to go through it with anybody else. praise God. never forget that your shugpie is a blessing that He picked out just for you, shug!

life's short. eat the hotdog.

i came across this post over at brilliant bonnie's (clearly, she has a smart hubs too), and i got to thinkin, it seems so obvious, yet most of us don't have this perspective on missing out, right? if you are too lazy to click the link, basically, her hubs was saying that there's really no such thing as missing out. everybody's got their path to walk based on choices and events that led them there ... so you are getting what you are supposed to experience - there is no "missing out". 

i couldn't agree more.

it's so easy to think that you've missed something. made a wrong turn. somebody else's job is better than yours. they have a better husband. a better wardrobe. a better social life. a better blah, blah, blah.
but, you are deceived, my friend. they might have some of these things, but not all of 'em.

problem is, when you venture out to see what's so good that everybody else "has", you tend to be blind to the blessings in your own life. and worse, you might have effed it all up by the time you realize it.

i've spent a good part of the last year being obsessed with having a baby.  obsessed with perfect blood sugars. obsessed with what may or may not cause things to go right or wrong in a pregnancy. or in even getting pregnant in the first place. i wouldn't drink too much caffeine at a time. or alcohol. i'd feel guilty about eatin' a damn hot dog, or deli meat, y'all.

i've also agonized about the lack of job that i have in a career path that i don't even like. i feel guilty for majoring in something i don't want to do. i look at girls my age in heels and suits doin' corporate america and that makes me want to jump off a cliff too. but they have nice clothes and plenty of money, right? ugh. still. not worth it.

i used to be afraid to hit publish because of the large variety of people who read this blog - family, church friends, former co-workers, current co-workers, creepers who used to be a part of our lives who aren't anymore. people who read it and roll their eyes at how lame i am. whoever.

eff all that. i'm letting go of these things. life's short. people might get it. they might not. it's my life and they'll get over it. and if they don't, oh well. as long as i'm not intentionally hurting others, i'ma do me. and it feels good. you should try it if you haven't already. i admire older people who have no filter. they just say it. i think, 'hell, why wait? let's get this party started now.'

i have an amazing husband. i laugh every single day in my marriage. i know my husband would do anything for me. i am pretty healthy overall. i know with certainty that Jesus has my back. some parts of this life will never, ever make sense. and, that's okay.

i am learning to accept that. i try not to be around people who get on my very last nerve any more than i can help it. again, life's too short, and you can't fix people.

life's life. it's gonna be good, bad, frustrating, inspiring, breath-taking, maddening, and ironic among a million other things. but you only get one. live it. but do what's right. follow the golden rule. don't chase after people who don't chase after you. don't mistakenly think that everybody else has got all their shit together. i promise they don't. we all got somethin. it's a guarantee.

so live it up.
eat the hotdog.
paint your walls some obnoxious color. it's your house.
wear what you want.
if it makes you feel better, then cry about it - even if it doesn't make one ounce of sense.
do something good for your body and your mind.
clean the shit out of your house every now and then. this urge strikes me rarely, but man i feel good when it's finished.
be glad that your life turned out the way it did.
i know i can look back at some shit that i thought seemed like a good idea, and i laugh at how crazy that shit was. glad God's got it together because i obviously don't. 
make no apologies unless you've done something wrong.

remember:
" 90% of the stuff you worry over, ain't gone happen anyway ... the other 10%, you can't change ... so, there ain't no point in worryin' about none of it "
~uncle herman

happy tuesday, 'lumps.

y'all, i'm sick of thinkin

i mean, honestly, i hate it.

but, i have a really hard time turning it off.

i am tired of thinking about:

what my blood sugar is right now.

is it on the way up?

is it on the way down?

i took insulin an hour ago and still haven't eaten anything because the insulin hasn't kicked in yet - why?

what day of "the month" is it?

am i ovulating?

if i did ovulate, where did the egg go?

should i have had that caffeine?

should i have had that beer?

why are all these things such a big deal now, when back in the day people did these things, not even knowing they were bad, and we seem to have more mental, emotional, and developmental problems in children now?

how do people accidentally get pregnant?

is my analyzation more stressful than caffeine and alcohol?

how come the curl in my hair came back and then left again?

why do some become obsessed with church and then start judging people even more than before they knew as much about Jesus?

how come i used to want to blog all the time, and now, not so much?

do i miss teaching? mehh.

what is going to happen to nita nikon in the long run?

should i trust those people in new york who have her?

why do people choose to spend almost every day of the week with someone who drives them nuts and causes them to cuss?

how come people who can't even stand to be alone with their kids have them, and i don't?

why do i whine so much?

how do other people keep on keepin' on when shit gets hard?

why do i cry every time i go to church (and have done so for years)?

how can people pansy ass pussies be mean to animals? 

why do people like/hate someone because they are or are not a specified race, when in fact, they are biracial?

and on that note, why do people only focus on the details that support their argument, and ignore all the ones that don't?

why do people randomly use apostrophes, like they are optional, or just for decoration?

why do i enjoy ignoring capital letters?

why doesn't my pump have an alarm to let me know when it's completely out of insulin?

some people - men especially, it seems, have the ability to just stop thinking.

i would love to be like that.

it's what God says we should do. 

stop analyzing, and instead pray and trust.

i am a lot better than i used to be.

do you analyze?

did you find a cure for it?

how did you turn it off?

greetings, 2013

my first thought was, 'nothing super eventful happened in 2012. i mean, nothing worth blogging about anyway.'

but, that's a lie.

every day, every month, every year, is a learning experience, and some things realized, some things lost, some things gained.

in 2012, 

i let go and let God ... move me to somewhere i had major hesitations about at first.

after a bunch of back and forth about jobs and work and what to do,

i just said, 'screw it.'

i'm happy now.

i gave up a job that i thought i'd wanted forever.

i took another job similar to it in a new city.

that job was taken away before my first day of teaching.

a month later i found out i was pregnant.

i felt extreme joy.

and extreme uneasiness and fear.

four weeks after finding out i was pregnant, 

i found out it was ectopic.

i had surgery hours later.

i cried a lot.

i thanked God for getting me through it,

and for giving me a positive prognosis for the future.
 {are y'all sick of reading about the ectopic?
because i'm sick of thinking about it/writing about it,
but it's still a thing in my world right now, so thanks for stickin' around.}

i finally got my a1c below 6.

5.8 !!!!

i thanked God some more.

i learned that there is no such thing as a normal family.

everybody's has got somethin'.

love 'em anyway.

i learned it's okay to do what feels best for your own marriage/family.

even if that means your family and friends don't always get it.

 choose space,

and time with your husband,

if that's what you and your husband want and need.

life's too short to stay busy with stuff that makes you irritated and unhappy.

i saw my husband in a whole new light.

turns out it is possible to wake up everyday and love him more than i did the day before that, 

or the day before that, 

or the day before that.

sometimes yucky times are also times for you to feel someone's love in a different way than you ever have before,
because they have an opportunity to show you that love in a different way than they ever have before.

i feel like i know who i am again.

i haven't felt like this since high school.

maybe this sounds strange to some people.

i learned that caring what people think doesn't change it,

so why waste your energy?

i learned that no matter what you do,

somebody will be judging.

or be pissed.

or irritated.

again, i learned that caring what people think doesn't change it,

so why waste your energy?

i have a lot more free time than i used to.

and although i'm not as busy with stuff stress,

i can think about what's around me.

i can appreciate it.

i can learn to be who i am and say no sometimes.

what i do or don't do for a living is not who i am.

my diabetes is not who i am.

having a baby is not who i am.

thanks to God for seeing things ahead of time.

for setting it up perfectly.

for letting me know i'll be okay.

for giving me the most amazing husband.

a husband i could have never dreamed up.

he's all the things i needed and wanted,

even before i knew it.

here's to 2013,

the next 365 days,

the good,

the bad,

the scary,

the sad,

the frustrating.

may we be blessed enough to grow from it,

and be a little bit more of what God intends us to be.

______________

and the resolutions, well, i just want to get back on the wagon that i fell off of recently:

i need to get back to some form of exercise - loved my daily walks and i let the weather talk me out of it, then holidays came, and now i am totally derailed.

and gluten, been cheatin' like a mo on that.
no bueno.

other than that, i'ma keep livin' how i'm livin'.

new year's eve bonfire tonight, y'all!
whoop! whoop!
remember last year's bonfire/oyster roast?

this year's pics will be sans Nita Nikon, but we will survive.

happy new year's eve, friends!
be safe!

sandy hook - what can we really do?

we have all been slapped in the face with the reality that friday really did happen.

many {myself included} are posting images on facebook about prayer for the victims' families.

i agree - we SHOULD be praying {again, myself included}

REALLY praying.

i have been feeling so many things since what happened in newtown on friday, and i just couldn't get my thoughts together, so i posted about my weekend instead.
but then i read Ashley's post today, and it really hit me.
YES! this is exactly how i feel.

it's so easy to think, "wow. that is so, so awful. i really feel for those people, especially right here at Christmas. thank God for my own kids/family. i'm going to hug them extra tight today."

many have said they don't want to talk about it or think about it because it's just too depressing.

i do think that the media is totally inappropriate by interviewing the victims' families, and children and faculty who watched everything go down that day, and that they have crossed the line from reporting what happened over to simply being obsessed with how it went down and wanting to get into the mind of the sick person who did this. enough is enough. but, it's anything for a dollar and for an increase in viewership. 

but - by avoiding the thought of what happened, and these people's pain because it is "too much", are we thereby ignoring it?

are we thinking, "it's so awful, i don't even want to ruin my happy mood thinking about it? what can i do about it anyway? i don't want to spend christmas thinking about such an awful thing."

well, that's just it. 

what can we do?

we can pray. and pray hard. and no one can ever take that away.

for me, my blog is a voice - a voice for happy, for sad, and for real.

in my opinion, that is exactly what the problem is. 

we don't stand up for what we believe in and who we really are because we don't want to go against the grain, or hurt someone's feelings.

i believe that God does listen to our prayers, and that prayers do matter.

and i know for me, personally, if i choose to ignore someone's pain, and to shield myself from thinking, i mean really thinking, about what they are going through, then it's of course easier for me to go on about my merry way, but it is much harder for me to relate to their pain, and therefore, harder to pray.

and the gun laws - guns did not kill these kids. someone who was obviously very mentally disturbed did.

period. you can take away every weapon in this country, and people will find a way to execute evil.

a man in china stabbed 22 people outside a school on the same day as the shootings in CT.

he didn't use a gun to inflict violence.

guess what? all of the negative things done in this country are done ILLEGALLY. because that's what laws are for, to discourage people from doing crazy shit, which would usually involve hurting themselves or others or both. but here's the thing, people who want to do such acts badly enough will hardly be deterred because of a damn law. i don't understand how this is not obvious.

meth, crack, coke, sex rings, tax evasion, insurance fraud, money laundering, armed robbery, rape ...  this could go on and on and on - all illegal - people who want to do sketchy shit will find a way.

laws don't stop a mentally ill person who has set out to accomplish something like this.

just like people who walk through restraining orders and kill people - happens every single day.

evil will find a way.
it'll find a way into this world, and into schools.
we need more support for the mentally ill people who are committing these crimes.
for those kids who grow up with abusive parents and then as adults, turn right around and repeat that behavior.
i guess some people are just mean. plain and simple.
but most people who are disturbed are either sick and need help, or are deeply hurting.
what's happened has happened.
crazy shootings in malls.
in movie theaters.
in high schools.
in elementary schools.
on college campuses.
remember andrea yates? she drowned all five of her children, one at a time, in a bathtub after battling postpartum psychosis for years - with it getting worse after each birth. her doctors advised her not to have a fifth child for fear the psychosis would get worse, but her husband thought she'd be fine at home all. day. long. homeschooling five children.

let me say that i have respect for anyone who is doing something - tomorrow's blogger day of silence directs people to a site to raise money for the victims, write your congressman, volunteer to work with children in your own area, or most importantly, truly, truly praying.
we need to strengthen mental health care in this country, and stop thinking about how tragic things are after the fact. after - when people have already lost their 1st grader, high schooler, college student, wife, girlfriend, mother, etc.

and as i write this, i am feeling very convicted because i need to be more fervent in my own prayers.

so, please don't see this as a judgment.

i think that's how it has to work sometimes, sadly so. we just can't see all we have to be grateful for, or how sick a shape the world is truly in until something like this happens.

it's time for us all to wake the eff up!

so, i guess my point is this:

{1}

the media in this country need to show some respect and stop harrassing the victims' families.

our country has become obsessed with anything that is someone else's pain or discomfort. most of the trash that is on tv and in gossip magazines includes how quickly celebrity marriages end, who had an affair with whom, who is caught up in a drug addiction, who is knocked up by so-and-so's spouse, who is too fat, who is too skinny. is this really all we have to be concerned about?

 and we feed it by watching this shit and reading about it, causing the ratings to skyrocket. 
their angle and obsession with each and every disturbing detail in occurrences like this end up portraying the murderer as some sort of legend.
how the killer managed to "pull this off" and how long he had been "planning it" makes him sound like a fuckin mastermind, and i am over it. and we wonder why the next big thing is "worse" {how can we even measure pain like that?} than the big violent act before.

{2}

do something, and that something can be genuinely praying, which may involve that we face what happened. however painful that may be, the families in newtown have it a zillion times worse. although a teacher is not allowed to lead prayer in schools or force it upon the students, nobody is stopping him/her or the students or anyone else from praying in the building and on school grounds.

is the government really who is keeping prayer out of schools, or are we just giving up on it and looking for someone to blame?

{3}

mental illness should be taken just as seriously as physical illness, and it should not be something that a person should be made to feel ashamed to seek help for. resources given by the government to help those with mental illness should reflect this. illness is illness - whether it's your brain or your heart or your lungs or whatever. people who have been in assisted living for a diagnosed mental illness should not have to fight a battle to keep from being  kicked out into the street only months after being accepted and selling their house. it's happening in my hometown, and i can only assume that it's happening in other places as well. we will never make sense of what happens in mass shootings or other acts of extreme violence because we don't think the way the people who commit these acts think. the brain is a functioning organ just like any other. we need to stop treating mental illness like something that people can just "deal with" or worst case scenario, sit around being sad.

_____________

 may the Lord be with those victims' families, and the students, faculty, and first responders who will forever be haunted by what they saw that day. may He bring peace and support during a time when those people have no answers. no justification for what happened. be with those affected today, tomorrow morning, next week, next year, the year those kids should have graduated, and essentially forever. may He show us a way to find some good from what happened - be it nurturing our own relationships that were previously taken for granted, standing up for what we know is right, or showing us ways to help those in need. may He help us all to understand that although those events {as well as many, many other pains in life} will never make sense to us, that He is still there for us all, and that our pain does not mean that He has abandoned us. help us to all have more patience with others and less judgment - for we will never know all the battles that others face - or what causes them to behave the way that they do. let us imagine for a moment what it is like to be in the shoes of the person that we choose to condemn before we pass judgment and speak out of hate or anger. let us think for a moment, would we rather trade places? help us to have a heart like yours.

Amen

In Memory:

Olivia Engel, 6
Emilie Parker, 6
Charlotte Bacon, 6
Ana Marquez-Greene, 6
Dylan Hockley, 6
Madeleine Hsu, 6
Catherine Hubbard, 6
Jesse Lewis, 6
James Mattioli, 6
Jack Pinto, 6
Noah Pozner, 6
Caroline Previdi, 6
Jessica Rekos, 6
Avielle Richman, 6
Benjamin Wheeler, 6
Allison Wyatt, 6
Daniel Barden, 7
Josephine Gay, 7
Chase Kowalski, 7
Grace McDonnell, 7
Anne Marie Murphy, 25
Victoria Soto, 27
Rachel Davino, 29
Lauren Rousseau, 30
Dawn Lafferty Hochsprung, 47
Anne Marie Murphy, 52
Mary Sherlach, 56

* list of names found from another awesome blog i love, handbags & handguns

dear ectopic & multiple personalities,

this is about to be one of those blunt posts, so if you're here for humor, today's probably not it. and, i'm acutally writing this on tuesday, but it won't post til friday, so i can assure you that by the time you read this, my mood will have changed.

over the weekend, i kept waiting for my period to come. it was a little late, but i wasn't getting my hopes up because i've learned that getting your hopes up will typically fuck you over backfire. {wait, i shouldn't have said that, i have so much to be grateful for, and the truth is, i have gotten my hopes up in many other areas of my life, and everything did turn out, just fine, in fact. if you are new here and have no idea what i'm talking about, you should read this post first.} it finally showed up on monday, just three days late. good, i thought. that's fine. the surgery was only a couple months ago, it's not like we've been trying for forever. i went on about my day, thankful that my body is regulating itself back out, and that i still have one healthy fallopian tube left. everything is just fine.

then, a friend texted me and told me she was pregnant and sent me a picture of the sonogram.
i told her congratulations, and then i cried for two hours that night, and more into the next day.
i just looked at the text, and that was it. just started crying so hard i could hardly talk. i just showed anj my phone.
anj was sitting there with me, asking me what i was thinking about and then i went through all of it all over again.

i had just spent the previous few days wanting to feel sad, because i didn't really. wondering what is wrong with me that i'm not distraught. i want to just feel terrible about everything that happened for a few days, weeks, whatever, and get it out of my system, and be done with it. but, instead, i feel totally awesome and then out of nowhere, BOOM. tears. tears of anger, rage, guilt, devastation, ... and then i just feel silly for feeling all of it, or any of it, or i don't even know, really.

it's like there are three me's.
me #1 is a bitter, jealous bitch. a bitch who swears that every single female of child bearing age within a 5,000 mile radius is pregnant. a bitch who is sick of facebook, and sick of instagram and the saturation of the free world with pictures of babies.

me #2 HATES me #1. the real, normal, before-the-ectopic me is nothing like me #1. i feel joy for my friends, and grateful that God has blessed them. And I KNOW THAT I WOULD BE THE SAME WAY IF I WERE PREGNANT/HAD A BABY. And they should be happy! That is normal.

me #3 is just guilty. guilty that i have any negative feelings whatsoever. why should i complain? it could have been worse. i could have bled to death. drs could be telling me that i can't have kids at all. even if i can't, i have a wonderful husband. i am so blessed in so many other ways, etc, etc, etc.

i feel like the regular, somewhat sane me is nowhere to be found when these three are around tag-teaming my brain. and i go from me #1 to me #2 to me #3 very rapidly - almost at the same time. they are like triplets who always travel together. rage, hating myself for being an evil bitch, and then just guilty that i'm not grateful enough for what i have already. rinse, repeat.

i am sick of this shit. really, really sick of it. 
nope, i won't be negative and ungrateful. 
i can't decide.
so,

dear the three me's, 

i get that y'all have been through some shit. but i am really over your whole disappear-and-then-pop-up-at-random act. i hate feeling like this. one day i feel one way, and the next day it can be the total opposite. who the hell do y'all think you are, robbing me of feeling happiness for my friends? because i know they would be happy for me if the tables were turned. 
i do NOT appreciate y'all just snatching away my control. control of how i feel and how i react. i am not crazy, and i don't appreciate y'all making me feel like i am.
y'all can pack your shit up and get on back to wherever it is that you were previously hiding, and stay there. 
i miss the normal, old, optimistic me, who is around 99% of the time.
you are not welcome here. 
i don't really know which of you i hate the most. all of you together are an especially ugly combination, given that you switch it up every 2.4 seconds. my husband never knows what to expect. neither do i. 
so, whenever you are done fucking with me, i'd love to get back to being optimistic and happy for my friends without having to go through a range of psycho emotions first. 

thanks!

yours truly,
sane, happy-for-others, not-feeling-sorry-for-myself me

i wasn't going to write this because guilty me was afraid of offending my preggo friend and hurting her feelings. but, sane me texted her and explained myself and warned her of this post so she wouldn't take it the wrong way. i sort of had an epiphany while i was texting her.
i told her: it's hard not having anywhere to place your anger. what happened is no one's fault. not mine, not andrew's, not the doctors', not God's, and not my friends' who are having healthy pregnancies right now.
i guess some say i could be mad at God if i wanted to. i tried to be, but it doesn't work. i cannot be mad at God because HE HAS DONE SO MANY POSITIVE THINGS FOR ME THAT I AM SO UNDESERVING OF. He could have stopped my ectopic. He could have made it a healthy pregnancy. but, i think if you can't learn to trust God ALL the time - through good and bad, you are screwed. God doesn't do halvsies.

and here's what else, ty posted about some chick who was PROUD that she had gotten married young and had all her kids in her early twenties. well, good for you, bitch. aren't you lucky? guess what. YOU didn't do any of that on your own account, God above is the only one who allowed you to have such blessings. i have not read that chick's post, but just the sheer thought of such shit simply enraged me. don't even get me started on people who take credit for everything in their lives with little or no credit given to God for what He has done.

that is all that i am aware that i am feeling right this second.

thanks for letting me vent. :)

now, since i'm definitely not pregnant, i am going to starbuck's to get the biggest pumpkin spice latte they will sell me.

xo

* update: since typing this post tuesday morning, i had a conversation with a new friend on tuesday afternoon and found out that she lost her baby at 22 weeks. twenty-two weeks! can you imagine?!  and now, i'm on the other end of the spectrum again, where i think i should just shut up and get over it because oh my word, it could clearly have been worse. but you know what, she was so positive! and so inspirational! and so full of everything that God stands for. even after all that! just what i needed to hear. :)

some thoughts on age

we celebrate quite a few birthdays in our families between october and november.
there's also been loss, and some sad news recently.
and at the same time, there have been several births and several reasons to celebrate.

it got me to thinking about life, and age and what it really means.

anj and i are both 29, and several of our friends have already turned 30 or will very soon. people are like, "OMG. The big three-oh."
but why? it's another day. a day to be celebrated. not a time to bitch and whine about everything you don't have and you haven't done.

maybe your childhood sucked and your adulthood is everything you dreamed it would be.
maybe you went through some serious shit, and you hit your rock bottom.
maybe now, as an adult, you are doing what you love everyday and getting paid for it.
maybe you're not. but maybe you have a wonderful family, or wonderful friends, or better yet, some of each to share this life with.
maybe you have perfect health and appreciate it. maybe you have perfect health and take it for granted because you are too busy concentrating on something else.
maybe you have shitty health, but can still say that you are genuinely happy over all.
things are all about perspective, aren't they? 
 i think that a positive outlook is something that you have to want, and seek out. it doesn't just happen. sometimes a positive outlook involves getting negative people and dead ends out of your life, even if it hurts at first. for me, a positive outlook took a lot of prayer. and i try very hard to see the positive in every situation. if you make yourself do it for awhile, it starts to come naturally.

some people say all they want is for their kids to be happy.
well, i don't.
i think that's selling them short.
you cannot give your kids happy. and the more you try to mold the situation to make them happy, or buy it for them, the more you are preventing them from learning and growing.
life is about obstacles. things beyond our control.
sometimes our feelings are hurt, or we are given the raw end of the deal.
but, it teaches us to be grateful and have compassion.

and we become obsessed with physical appearance, more so as we age.
i weigh more than i used to. but, i don't hate my body. i'm grateful for the body God gave me. the only people who look cute skinny as hell and shaped like a tampon are 15 year old girls.
to me, my husband gets better looking with age.
my mom looks better now than she did when she was young and skinny as a rail.
i think what's attractive is your attitude, and taking care of your body, even if you aren't a size 6.

i had a friend once who was devastated to turn 25. she was also the friend who ran all. the. damn. time. not attractive. i wanted to smack the shit out of her.

i personally, am loving 29. i love being married. i'm truly happy now. i'd love to have a child, but I also know that my marriage is a blessing that not everyone has.

i know women with great grandkids who can admit they've never known what it was like to be truly head over heels in love. to be best friends with your husband. to have fun every single day. to make each other laugh. there are also women who are grandmothers who will not get out of their house to have some fun with their girlfriends because they are a slave to routine. they are terrified the house will fall apart with them gone away for a weekend. or maybe they are terrified it won't fall apart without them there to run everything?

i love home. i love making meals together. making things to take to reunions, and get togethers. i like that we are in the age of going to shows and being home by 12 instead of getting started at 12. while i enjoyed high school and college, i have no desire to go back. maybe for a day, but i'm sure i'd be ready to get back to where i am now.

i like decorating our home. folding our laundry. the sound of the dishwasher running. the best part of my day is snuggle time with anj in our white t-shirts, while we each read our respective books in bed or on the couch, with a fire going if it's cold enough. my favorite shoes are my ll bean mocassins. i don't buy things with a high heel because they make my back hurt. i also do not buy things that have to be ironed. life is too short to spend time doing something you hate so you can look cute. to all you ladies without back pain and who love to iron, march on, shugpies!

some people die when they are 15. some take their own lives because they are miserable. some die having the time of their lives. other people finally learn to live when they are 45. they learn that you can't please everybody, but you can be kind and do what's good for your health and your soul.

what do you think? what does age mean to you?

when the bottom drops out

tuesday before last i was in surgery to remove my ectopic pregnancy.
i feel like a whack job for still writing about this, but then i realize, it's okay that i'm still talking about it, and nobody has to read it if they don't want to.

i have spent 98% of the time since then feeling positive. i truly have. THANK GOD. in my sane mind, i feel hopeful, and doctors say the future looks good.

but then - there is the other 2%. the 2% that i pretty much am scared of. the 2% that just comes around without warning and without my permission. i feel like so many things happened in 8 weeks.

yay! we're pregnant!
omigod, something's not right about this.
honey, it's ectopic.
thank God i'm okay.
i let them take my baby.
you'll be fine! the future is bright!
wait! did i dream this? were we ever pregnant?
i had to let them take my baby. it would've never been a "real" baby anyway.
are we even ready to be parents?
i can't handle any of this.

at first, i was doing really well telling myself that it wasn't really a baby anyway. i mean, it was what, the size of a blueberry?

but then, people say, "i'm so sorry you lost your baby." "your baby's in heaven." etc. etc. etc. clearly, these people aren't to blame for the state of my emotions. and we appreciate each and every single card, text, message, post, comment, phone call. 
every. single. word.

one second, i will be perfectly fine. just like earlier today, when i posted about scar bear. then, i suddenly feel pissed at the world - including the husband i've spent so much time thanking God for. the same husband that i have bragged on because he truly has been amazing. next, i just break down into an uncontrollable sob at the end of dinner.

people have said, "let yourself grieve." "your pain is your pain." "you shouldn't feel guilty for what you feel - whether it's happy or sad."

for a while, i thought, "something is wrong with me, that i'm not more upset ... right?" i was mostly consumed with gratitude to God for saving me, and letting me have another chance at motherhood after this. frankly, i started to feel guilty when people began to share stories much worse than mine. i mean what kind of a pitiful sob story am i? i mean, damn, self, get over you!

but then i think, "wait. what if this isn't it? what if this is just the beginning? what if God is just preparing me for a long, painful road ahead?" and i start to feel like i can't breathe.
then i bounce to, "beth, you are nuts. why do you think that? the doctor said the future's very bright."

y'all. i feel crazy. as. a. bat. cave!

{y'all need to pray for Anj Davis, livin up in here with my crazy ass. never knowin what he's gone get when he comes near me}

i feel like there are multiple people - with multiple personalities - in charge of running my brain and emotions, and they work random shifts of varying lengths, and i never know when the shifts are going to change.

the thing i hate the most is the person who works the bitter shift.
i feel disgusted with myself when i feel envy. i hate, hate, hate bitterness and envy and the nasty thoughts they bring with them. we could get on the "why" train and ride til we run out of tracks, right?

* why are there people throwing their unwanted babies in dumpsters?
* why are there people who are lazy as hell having 6, 7, 8 babies - that they treat like burdens - so they can live off the government for the rest of their lives - and they even have the balls to tell you so!
* why do people who do nothing but fight and yell at their kids seem to be able to get pregnant whenever the hell they want?
* why did i wait until i was 29 to even start trying?
* why are there people in this world insisting on c-sections on a specific day so they can do shit like make some damn daycare cutoff date when there are other people who just want their baby to exist - on any fuckin day?
* why?
* why?
* why?

but if i know anything, i know that God ain't about some "whys". it makes sense to Him, and it may never, ever make sense to me.

but that doesn't mean He doesn't care. and it doesn't mean that He's abandoned us. it's easy to trust God when everything is awesome and going your way. and it's real easy to turn on Him and fend for yourself when He's done things to piss you off or hurt your feelings - or at least allowed them to happen.

anyhoo - i guess this is another stage of the many emotions i am processing right now. and just like that - in the time it took me to type this up, it's over. i feel grateful and optimistic again. it's like the grief has to surface for a few minutes every few days, rear its ugly ass head, pout and cry, and then it can leave. whatever, bitch. i'm about to take some melatonin and get some sleep.

i guess these last few weeks are about as honest and raw as i've ever been on the blog.
thanks for letting me vent. that's my primary purpose in this blog's existence. just to get it out of my system. with this particular situation, i hope, somehow, some way, someone in a situation like mine will be helped - if for no other reason than just to know they're not alone, and that someone else out there has felt what they're feeling. i also hope to share my own faith. without it, i'd be nothing but a pitiful blob of poor ole me and anger. (right now, i'm not to full-blown blob status, i'm just a lil dablet, thank God.)

i've had so many people tell me that i inspire them. that they are encouraged by my optimism. that i'm so strong. i find this to be mind blowing. because i have never thought so. it's more like, i'm in a fog. but i will say that i have prayed and prayed, over the course of my life this basic prayer:

"Dear Lord, please give me whatever be your will, because I know your will is best. Help me to get past what I want, and realize that I never fully know what it is that I'm asking for, and therefore, what you may be protecting me from. Please give me the strength to get through whatever happens, and most importantly, please let me never doubt that you are in control and that I am being taken care of."

this has never failed me. it doesn't mean i don't cry. it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. but, it means that it hurts a little less, and that i have hope and comfort along the way. it means that i know that regardless of what's happening, it's not an accident. God's got it. and it's all part of His divine plan. God is in everything. the support system He's given me with all this is Him at work.

as soon as i started crying tonight, i took a shower, kept crying, and then, got out and immediately wanted the lap top so i could type this out. this blog is like a nice long walk, or a hot bath, or a nice massage. it's my way of addressing whatever it is in my brain at that moment, be it something i think is hilarious, or something that's breaking me that i need to get rid of, this blog is always here.

i've spoken with many women who preferred to keep their stories private, or at least limited to close family. that is just fine. we all deal differently. for me personally, keeping it in is like poison that just eats and eats away at me until i am completely consumed by it. so, thanks again, for letting me ramble, and for actually reading this stuff.

okay, no more philosophical sap fest tonight.

take care friends! i'm about to get my night night on. thanks for listenin to my shit.

love y'all!

My Gnarly Surgery Scar says, "Have a Super Day!"

Sooo, this is gross, kinda, and I don't usually post even remotely gross stuff on the bloggy. But it made me laugh until I was cryin/squeakin/gyratin/snortin, so I'm postin about it. It's really not THAT gross, but if you have a pooh stomach, maybe look at it not super close to a meal time?

That's it. You were warned. Don't keep on readin and then leave some comment about how gross I am because YOU ARE CHOOSING TO KEEP READING. 

Alright ...

Last night upon observing the gnarltastic bruise I got accompanying my incision, I decided that I should share with the fam.

Mama was like: gross

Younger brother Eric was like: haha

Baby brother Mack {shown below} was like: moo. it looks like it's gonna talk!

I'm thinkin, what the hell is wrong with Mack?
But, then I see it! Not a cow, but a magical spotted bear!
And I laughed and laughed and laughed.
Which was causing me pain, so I just firmly held my hand against my guts and laughed some more.

Then I texted it to some other peeps who'd had a bad day, and made them laugh too. Then they showed their husbands. And their husbands laughed.

So, friends, here is my sicktastic scar with mayjah bruisin ... shaped like a widdle bear face, who's sayin, "Hey there, Shug! Cheer up!"

The black part at the top is my pants. This is taken from my point of view, lookin down at my boley holey.

The two lil dots that make the eyes are where some kinda probes were.
The "top" of the incision in the picture (which is really the bottom), is the nose.
And, of course, the boley holey itself is the mouth, which is duh, smiling.

The other two scars are not shown, as so far, they are making no effort to look like an awesome animal figure.

Happy Friday, and happy weekending peeps!

Love,
Shug in Boots & Scar Bear

good shiz, brought to you by Anj Pie & Facebook

Part 1
Anj is one of a kind.

So, feeling good today, peeps. I'm on this nasty cycle of being up half the night, and feelin ragged the next day, so I break down and have a nap, which further whacks me out. Soooo, today, I had me a lil Diet Mt. Dew before lunch, thinkin I could make it over the hump, sans nap, and wow, that shit is laced.

Anyhoo. Went to doctor today for my follow up. Everything looks super. Anj Pie decided to be a doll baby and drive me to my visit because he thinks it's shitty how I abuse my friends to not only do our dishes and bake for us, but then ask them to drive all out of their way to take me to the "vadge doctor" because he is the most awesome husband everrr. Here are several reasons why Anj is awesome. (I know y'all get sick of me talkin about how awesome he is, but I don't give a shit because it's my blog. I know this is a difficult concept for some people to grasp.)

1) When I ask Anj to please come snuggle with me on the couch, what I mean is, my incisions still hurt, so you're not gonna be able to actually lay down with me. But, I still want to be close to you. So, the only way I can think of to get this to work is that you are gonna have to sit at the foot of the couch and prop your head on my ass like it's a pillow, and endure the blows of my post surgery "wind". Oops. Bless his heart. He laid there a good 45 minutes. He told me the truth next time I asked him to come snuggle with me. "Anj, you wanna come snuggle wif me, shug?" "No." "Why not, Anj?" "Because you won't let me really snuggle. You make me sit at the end of the couch with your poots." :(  
*PS, I learned from too much googling that British people who are gassy after surgery say they are feeling "windy". WTF?

2) When I get the giggles ALL THE TIME (now that it hurts to laugh, of course) Anj at least acts like he's not annoyed that I now snort/squeak/gyrate uncontrollably to avoid putting too much pressure on my guts.

3) He makes bomb ass souvlaki with tzatziki sauce. Man!

4) Always bringin the humor at inappropriate times. When we go to the check up, and the doctor asks what questions I have, I ask him when is it safe to start trying again, and B) when is it safe to have sex at all? Even the protected kind, because, duh, a girl is worried about what all that might do to my not healed insides, am I right, or am I right? I mean, I can't even cough or laugh without hurting. Pretty sure I whacked out a muscle reaching the wrong way to turn off the bedside lamp. I mean, damn. I was tryin to save Anj from havin to ask because I know he wanted to know.

Well ... after getting that answered, the doctor asks if there's anything else he can help us with:

ANJ (with his eye roll/flutter): Umm, aren't you going to ask him about going to the bathroom?" (Yay, bladder!)
ME: Oh, yeah, how could I forget?
ANJ: Cause you were too busy thinkin about sex.
 ME: What?! You're the one all worried about it.
DOCTOR: Him and every other man that comes in.

Really? Anj totally threw me under the bus. Made a funny at my expense. In the doctor's office. That's what I get. I'ma let y'all guess ... who is most concerned with when it's okay to have sex again? ...... Right.

I warned Anj that I would blog about this: (Can you even take screenshots on droids? If so, I need to be schooled. In the meantime, I present: a real picture with a real camera)

Seriously.

Anywayz.

Part 2. 
Facebook awesomes for today:

1) A dear sweet friend of mine that I haven't seen in ages sent me a message after reading about my surgery. She said that she read my post last week, but just wasn't sure what to say. She of course mentioned that she was sorry to hear, and wished me well and said many positive, encouraging things regarding the situation. But this part melted my heart, and filled me up with snuggles:

I know we drifted apart but you were/are a very special friend to me. You showed me how to be confident, trust myself, BE myself and I will never forget. I was so shy and you really helped me grow into my self more and that is some thing I will always cherish.

Although this friend was a huge part of my life when we were younger, I'd never really realized how much we helped each other in a yucky time. God gives us what and who we need when we need it. If you have a friend going through a hard time (or even if they're not), you can never go wrong in letting them know what their friendship means to you - even if it's not the kind of friendship where you see or talk to each other often.

2) Another friend of mine posted this as her thought for the day, and I thought it was spot on:

Thought for Thursday--Life isn't fair, but it's still good. Your job won't take care of you when you're sick; your friends and parents will: stay in touch. You don't have to win every argument; agree to disagree. Make peace with your past so you don't screw up your present. Don't compare your life to others'; you have no idea what their journey is all about. Over prepare and then go with the flow. Be eccentric now; don't wait for old age to wear purple. Your children only get one childhood. If we threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's we'd grab ours back. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Tis true, frands! Seems like somebody else's grass is always greener, but you can rest assured they been through some shit too. I love this here bloggy because it's mine and I can just dump my brain out here for the most part. My entry about what happened was mostly a soul-cleansing brain dump. I've read that post 15 times myself, until I sort of become numb to it. It is what it is and what resulted is that I'm ready to go forward. I also feel so much more alive because real shit brings real emotions and real reactions from people who care. Every now and then something happens and you feel really deeply, and you also get really close to God, if you're lucky.

Good comes from everything if you look for it!

Welp, shugs. That's all for today.

Deuces.